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Envy and attraction - Discovering the fine difference

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Astral, Mar 27, 2015.

  1. Astral

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    Good morning EC :slight_smile:

    Last night as I was laying in bed contemplating life as we all do, I began to notice something that seemingly should have been shouting at me the entire time.

    When I was identifying as a male, (i.e. My entire life up until the past couple months or so) I knew I was attracted to both sexes. My attraction to males however always seemed regulated, correct, and a healthy level of admiration of other men's physical traits.

    With women, my attraction wasn't so stable; it was legitimately overwhelming. Whenever I was observing female traits, I was filled with so much raw emotion I could barely contain myself. It was almost to a degree of anger, and I recently came to the revelation that it it's because it wasn't just pure attraction -- I was jealous of their female forms.

    As I considered this for a while, I decided to do a little controlled test: I closed my eyes, cleared my mind, and pictured some of the hetero sexual encounters I've had in the past with women, and as usual, I'm overwhelmed. Then, I repeated the scenario fantasizing that I myself am a girl also in the scenario, and just like that, my sexual attraction feels back in balance and the overwhelming emotions have subsided to a more normal level. Even imagining my homosexual encounters as a female feels more right to me as well.

    I suppose my question is, has anyone else noticed similar things? I recall reading somewhere that this is a somewhat common thing for pre-transition TGs.

    Thanks as usual lovies! (*hug*)
     
  2. Lazuri

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    No, you're not crazy. I realized the same thing myself some time during the last year. A lot of my attraction to females can be described as "obsession" more than "attraction."
     
  3. Astral

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    Phew! I'm glad another trans person has felt this way as well. It was making my head spin wondering if I'm just over thinking things as usual. You hit the nail right on the head though, much more like obsession than attraction.
     
  4. Lazuri

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    I find that it's not for every woman though, but for women who have traits I wish I had such as pale skin and long, straight, black hair.
     
  5. Kat 5

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    Sort of. Definitely envy there.
     
  6. Astral

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    I can concur with this statement; I typically get the feeling bad when I see girls with really feminine forms i.e. curvy hips and thighs / butt, and ones with really long wavy blond hair. The more girly they come off, typically the more uncontrollable the feeling becomes.
    Sometimes breasts make me feel that way too, but less often so than the previously listed things.

    It's a very hard thing to describe. It's like you want to go jump off a bridge and die, go in the back and fornicate like mice and just sit and examine their body for days on end all at the same time. It kind of feels like your a teapot that just all of a sudden boiled over and is just spewing everywhere. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #6 Astral, Mar 27, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2015
  7. Tai

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    I feel like I try to become what I find attractive... It confuses me a lot. So I think of someone attractive to me and try to become that myself.
     
  8. Astral

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    Do you feel that way towards both genders, or just one or the other?
     
  9. Michael

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    ... I don't think I ever had such feelings :lol:

    I enjoyed being a nasty son of a bitch with the people (males) I felt that envy/attraction thing. The more I hurt, the better it felt. I used to be very manipulative in order to get them as vulnerable as possible. I knew no limits or morals back then. It was obvious where all was coming from, but back then I just refused to acknowledge the truth. Me being a son of a bitch served a purpose : To confort me, 'cause back then I saw no options to change anything. I felt basically fucked for life.

    As I became more honest with myself, I simply stoped gradually to be interested in men and I turned to women. For some reason I can be honest with them now, 'cause I don't feel that pressure to look or be like them anymore : I see them for what they are and I like them.

    About men... There is some mild sexual attraction there in some cases (well, some random parts of their bodies), but I can't be interested on such stuff anymore, they just don't turn me on precisely because I know I am one of them... Among other reasons.

    In my case it changed/evolved with time.
     
  10. HardToSay

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    Nice to read this. I used to think I was very attracted to women and just unable to be aroused by them. I thought I was a lesbian. Then, especially after taking hormones and becoming more feminine in appearance I realized I was just incredibly jealous of women.

    I also realized that being attracted to women although being unable to be physically attracted to, and aroused by, women was just a fairy tale I told myself: I don't want to sleep with women, I just want to be like them, imitate their style and stuff.

    I also realized that I did not need a threesome in order to interact with men in bed: the woman can be left out without any real loss on my side.
     
  11. Astral

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    xD It's an extremely poor representation of the feeling, I just can't find another example to express JUST how bad it is :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I can relate to how you were when you were younger as well - I manipulated girls to get what I wanted, I gained their trust and broke them down until they were in the palm of my hand, then I'd crush them like it was nothing. It was almost sport. I didn't have nearly the attraction (nor do I think I acknowledged) to men, but since coming to terms with myself, I find that I'm much less attracted to women, yet moreso men, and in different ways.

    It would seem I had a related solution, as once I became female, my emotions changed so much as now I wasn't 'against', with lack of a better word, them per se, I am one of them myself.

    I've always felt like I've been living in a haze and something I just couldn't see was tearing me up from the inside out, but now that I see, I feel like my mind has been expanded and new revelations dawning. I actually feel happy for once! :slight_smile:
     
  12. Tardis221B

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    Yep, totally know what you're talking about.

    Heck even before I realized that I could be trans, was infinitely confused because my mom was encouraging me to like guys. And while I liked the guy she was asking about, I was so perplexed as to why she wanted me to date a guy.... wasn't being gay something frowned upon (6th grade mindset...).

    And when I look at girls, I've never been jealous of their appearance; unless they have a more muscular & masculine looking form.

    But with guys, when I see an attractive guy, its such an overwhelming feeling of longing to be him, imagining living life as him, and then the second I picture my self as a guy - seeing myself in a relationship with him makes me so happy.

    Imagining myself in a heterosexual relationship as girl, or a lesbian relationship, never felt right. But the second I let myself be and see the guy who I am, everything makes sense, and I seem to be open to any well-balanced relationship.
     
    #12 Tardis221B, Mar 28, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2015
  13. NingyoBroken

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    I know the feeling. Perhaps not as strong, but yes. I get envy of cis men, especially certain parts they have and don't have. I wish my body was like theirs.
     
  14. Verb

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    Pre-transition (and during my early year(s) on hormones) I definitely went through a phase where I felt a despairing kind of love for men because I wanted to have their body/facial hair/voice. Just felt intensely jealous of men who - at that time - fitted my idealised internal image of myself.

    Kind of messed me up for a while because my feelings were so negative that I started to think I just wouldn't be able to have a relationship with a cis man. Happily I have now made peace with my body and myself and I can just enjoy attractive men rather than feeling tortured by them. Huzzah! (Although you're always going to be envious of some people... but not on such an intense level)

    Unfortunately my relation to women is still a bit complicated. Still working on that one in the toffee pot that is my head...
     
  15. anonym

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    Well, this is kind of back to front but BEFORE I realized I was male, I used to imitate the way girls looked (hair, make up, clothing, even speech and mannerisms) and I thought the admiration was because I wanted to BE them but I realized that it was because that's what I found attractive.

    I still feel confused about my feelings for men. I sometimes wonder whether I'm bisexual or just really envious of their looks because they are everything I wish I was. :frowning2:
     
  16. Fluid Falek

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    One of the things that caused me finally to think, "hey, maybe I'm not quite cis" was that I realized I've always looked at men with both attraction and extreme jealousy. I would think to myself, "wow, he's hot, I wish I could look like him. My god, WHY CAN'T I JUST LOOK LIKE HIM?" Never once have I looked at a woman and thought "gee, I wish I could look more like her" with two exceptions: when female-bodied people pull off masculine or androgynous looks, I've always been jealous of that, and when they're much thinner than me, but that's not a gender thing at all. It took forever to put that clue and about 1000 others together to figure everything out. It struck me as interesting that this question came up as wondering if any trans people have ever experienced this when this was actually a big ah-ha thing for me.
     
  17. Astral

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    I'm glad so many others have experienced similar feelings, it makes me feel more secure that I'm making the right decision. Attraction is so close to envy in feeling that it can be extremely hard to determine one from the other!
     
  18. Bastian

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    Not sure if this is the same, but in my case everything started with envy. I was very jealous of male characters (in the movies, books etc), and while the other girls usually dreamed about being with them, I dreamed about being them. I was never interested in female characters as role models, I simply did not care about girls. Their appearance was not interesting for me. I never wanted to have boobs, hips, long hair... I always wanted to be the cool dude.