Entering an LGBT space for the first time... and freaking out

Well. I didn't mention the funniest part. He was naked except for the cowboy hat!

Actually, he was just what I needed. I had just come out to my wife a couple months back and was invited to this campout of 100 gay guys by a guy I had chatted with on a hookup site. I needed to accept that being a bisexual meant that I needed to accept being gay. I had spent too much of my life letting my same sex side of my sexuality take second billing. I could ignore it and I could "be above" it. That's not how it works. My sexuality had made me miserable as a kid, destroyed a relationship with my first love and almost wrecked my marriage. It's pretty damn important to me and I needed to be called out on it.

So, I went back and I danced with an obnoxious naked guy. Guess what? He was OK. It was a party and guys were just getting down. I think he is an accountant or something and I see him once in awhile in respectable settings.

I wouldn't recommend my immersion therapy in accepting gay. It's, definitely not for everyone. Going to an LGBT center and having a cup of coffee and just hanging out is probably more appropriate for most everybody. Not my style though. Generally, I grab everything in life by the horns and hang on. I never did that with my sexuality and it suffered because of it. That's just me.

 

It's not just you...The mere thought of going to an open Lgbt event, where someone could know me freaks me out. It freaks me out so bad I haven't even done it yet. So you're definitely braver than me.

 

Hello and Welcome. It’s totally normal experience and something I’ve experienced myself. I went to a local support group in my town. They weren’t there, I guess they take walks. But just going there made me very nervous. I was not out until 28 years old and I told someone I thought was my friend. So when our friendship ended she told everyone. So I felt I had no choice but to come out to my family. It was hard. But I’m 37 now and it has become much easier to talk about for me. I was very scared growing up. I felt like people could tell and I was always careful with my words. I’m a lesbian and I thought if I said someone was pretty that people would think or know I was gay. I tried not to think it either because I felt like people could read my mind. But once I was out it was freeing. I was always scared that I would not be welcomed by people if they knew I was gay, So it was a secret. I honestly believe if I wasn’t forced out that I would still be in the closet today. I don’t always feel welcomed with people, but atleast my mind is calmer and I no longer have to worry. So yes it’s okay, and I believe it will only get better for you.

 

Today I went into the LGBT Resource Center. The last time I went there, I was thinking, OMG. WHAT AM I DOING?!?!
Today I was thinking, hmmm, what am I doing?
It's getting easier.

 

I hope I’m not repeating anything because I’ve not read through the whole thread - this is so normal what you’re feeling, it’s why so many of us have been closeted, that shame and self consciousness and vulnerability are all so normal, because we’ve been given the message that we should be ashamed. But you owned it, you went in, you took that step, you browsed, you hung out there. That’s the brave part, confronting your shame, and you should be proud of that.

 

A lot of people talk about shame when it comes to sexual minorities. We never address what that shame might be about when we bring it up. I have an idea. People often imagine people having sex and it doesn't matter who they are - male or female. They can imagine a man and a woman being affectionate and having sex and that's o.k. with just about everybody. However, not all people are comfortable with a man and a man or a woman and a woman engaged in intimate activity. It's the sex part. If the person is single, then they picture you doing this with various people. They picture the sex acts in their heads. They can't handle it. I once went to a movie with a female friend. The movie had one scene where one guy unexpectedly locks lips with another guy. It was a subplot within the movie. In no time flat, her fingernails dug into my forearm and I could hear her cringe. This was in a big city and it was less than 20 years ago. She had some gay and lesbian friends. I don't understand why she reacted this way. Mostly, I thought her reaction was oddly funny and overly melodramatic.

 

They help me see I'm not alone in how I feel. But it's me that must take action to get out there. Part of me fears outing, another part disappointment.

 

I’m interested in what you mean by disappointment too, do you mean that you’re concerned you’d need more?

 

Im curious. Was the naked fest like a bug hookup orgy kinda thingnor was it like ome of these male retreats where people get naked and beat drums ro commune with nature? When guys were dancing together was it awkward doing that if someone may have gotten aroused?

 

The camp out was a little of everything. There was an orgy tent...I never visited...most of the guys thought it was sort of funny. I did go skinny dipping but I am fine with nudity and have been naked with friends....male and female since I was a kid. I don't remember any public displays of wood at all.

Most of the guys looked like any guys at any picnic and behaved the same way. It was a party. Some guys got into their "gay grove"...my naked friend...some just hung out and went fishing.

I found another guy with a mountain bike and we hit a local trail for a couple hours then went for a swim and had some beers.

It was my first time in a gay setting where there were some other guys who knew me through my work. So, I was "out". I wasn't sexually active then so I didn't hookup.

 

I'm not concerned with wanting more, as in discovering I want to be with men, this is highly unlikely, to the point I've ruled it out. I'm just afraid I won't fit it in the lgbt local scene. Basically it's the fear of being new in a new place that brings fears back from the past, of being unaccepted, rejected or not into the same wavelength as the rest somehow. I'm afraid I might be expecting too much and get nothing of the sort.

The fear of rejection part I think is easy to understand, I'm not sure there's anything to elaborate on.

As for the fear of being out of tune is an experience I've encountered too many times. It is the feeling I get as soon as I understand there's nothing in common with the person/people I have in front of me. It is really awkward, because it feels like an unseen gap neither party can cross. Sure, we can talk to each other from that distance, but we both know we can't meet up for real. This usually manifests in an indifferent lukewarm type of friendship, that leads to nowhere in particular, maybe in a boring meet up for coffee in which nothing interesting is talked about. I'm not sure if that's relate-able.

 

I was hoping I'd not have to break this post down in two parts, but I thought this might need a clarification to bring out my point. I have no common interests to the peers of my age. I don't like clubbing, loud music and drinking, I like to talk to people and have interesting conversations. Booze and loud music don't really help with that. If you have the right company and are into it, no problem by me, it's just not what I'm into.

I'd rather go for a walk in the forest than stroll in a crowded mall. I'd rather meditate early in the morning than have to recover from a hang-over. I like to share all the odd things I find on human psychology, alternative spirituality, traditional therapies and know someone is just as intrigued as I am. Let's just say that so far, the only people I've found that match the above criteria are people who there's no chemistry with and are 35+ (I'm 25). I don't think I can make myself interested in the same things as my peers are, any more than they can be interested in the things I am into. It's a gap that can't be bridged, I've tried.

 

I'm going to my very first LGBT event Friday Evening. Just come out of a 20 year relationship being married for 16 years. Have 3 kids . Did gay stuff in my teens . It's a meal in a pub. I am completely freaking out but also a bit excited at the same time. I am going with no expectations then I can't be disappointed.
Booked for a drinks night next Thursday evening and next Saturday coffee and cake afternoon. I might eventually meet someone who also likes me. These events don't have huge turnouts but it's worth a try and I will make some new friends, Rade

 

Good on ya, Rade! I can SO rela