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Entering an LGBT space for the first time... and freaking out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Broccoli, Sep 15, 2018.

  1. Broccoli

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    Today, for the first time ever, I visited the LGBT community space in my city. It hosts events, meetings, etc. and has a cafe at the front. Nothing major, I just went in, ordered a coffee and sat for maybe half an hour in the cafe reading some of the literature/leaflets that they had available to browse, but it was the first time I had ever been in an 'LGBT space'. I feel kind of proud of myself for taking the step but also kind of... disappointed... at how big a deal it was to me. My heart was racing for the entire time I was in there and every time somebody walked in I jumped and glanced up because I was scared they'd be someone I knew. I feel a bit ashamed as well because why would it be such a big deal if I didn't think that being gay was a problem at some subconscious level? I guess I was taken aback by my reaction... I was sort of hoping that it was all going to be smooth sailing now I had acknowledged it to myself (I live in a liberal city, an financially independent, have friends who are not going to care at all, my family will be fine with it, etc.) but... I was really anxious. I'm home now but the build-up of emotion is making me feel like bursting into tears. Why did I react like that? Is it normal? Can somebody tell me it will be okay??
     
  2. Nickw

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    I think this is normal. There's always going to be a little self doubt and it's party of the process.

    I went to a gay camp out after I first came out. One of the other guys came up to me and called me a "hot homo". Well, I completely freaked out and ended up in my truck crying. I left, then turned around and went back. I was OK.

    I encourage you to go back again as soon as you feel you can and I bet you feel better.
     
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  3. tystnad

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    I agree with Nickw - I don't think this is very unusual at all. I went to an LGBT event for the first time last October, and it caused me so much anxiety that I was ready to cancel and go home every step along the way. Buying a bus ticket suddenly became a major deal when the destination was not my university or the city centre, but rather the location of this event, and it felt like the world was just so much more intense and heavy than it had been on any other occasion. Add in some social anxiety, and I was a wreck by the time I actually made it to the event and didn't recover until a couple of days later. But, after a little while I did start to become proud of that I went, and it definitely made it a little easier to go to something the next time.

    Though, I'm not going to lie - for me it wasn't just a matter of going once and then never feeling stressed at an LGBT event ever again. This summer I went to pride, and it was the same thing all over again. But, in the meantime I have joined the LGBT club of my university, I'm volunteering at an LGBT organisation, I've met LGBT friends - the basic 'being in the LGBT community' things got a lot easier for me, ever since taking that first step of going to an LGBT event. And that's already a huge improvement, even if pride was maybe a little too overwhelming this time around. But during my undergrad, I walked past an LGBT coffeeshop every single day and kept wishing I'd one day have the guts to go in - now when I see LGBT spaces I'm not afraid of them anymore and I'll find reasons to go there.

    It's a big step from not knowing things, to coming out to yourself, to coming out to others, to living out and proud and openly being a part of the community. It's okay that it builds up emotion, and definitely don't be afraid of feeling those emotions. You went! That's something to be proud of!
     
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  4. Altanero

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    I think it's normal. Well... I hope! A few months ago, I went to Chueca, the gay street of Madrid. It was the first time I visited a gay book shop, a gay sex shop... I had to be quiet, self-confident, as nobody there knew me, and it was completely normal: I was only another costumer. But... when I left those stores, I suddenly felt sad. It was so impressive to me... even if it was a soft experience. But I was there, looking to a lot of books about gay dramas and gay relationships, I was wondering if I should buy some toys... It was so "gay" for me, so natural, that I couldn't bear it. I don't know why. Maybe I was looking myself from the outside, as a newcomer, and I felt very strange.

    But I don't want it to my last gay experience. I think that we all have to push ourselves to that limit, to break it, just to create a comfortable space for us that slowly could became normal. So, don't worry!
     
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  5. Biguy45

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    I’m in the closet, so it isn’t happening, but I admit the thought of going to a gay bar is intriguing. At the same time, I’m sure I would be nervous. For example, as a bi man who leans hetero, would I feel out of place. Also, I’m not exactly immersed in the culture. I’m sure it would be nerve wracking, but exciting as well
     
  6. Lexa

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    It is completely normal. I totally freaked out too. Just keep going to LGBT+ events. It will get better.
     
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  7. Rade

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    I am going to my first LGBT event next Friday evening. It's a meal. There is about 8 people going, a mix of guys and girls....I am confident but completely freaking out at the same time!!! I don't know what to expect. Luckily I am having my counselling the same day and I can talk with her. Well done everyone, if you all can do it so can I! Hopefully......
     
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  8. Broccoli

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    Thanks everyone. I'm back home under a blanket (watching Imagine Me and You...!) and feeling on a bit more of an even keel. I guess I just surprised myself by how weirded out I was by the whole thing. What did you do to make it better - just keep going to stuff?

    I hope your meal goes well next week Rade. Will be cheering for you :slight_smile:.
     
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  9. notaprincess06

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    I think it has that much to do with how you yourself view being gay, it has more to do with how others might see it and the truth is we all know there's still lots of homophobia even in liberal spaces. Also, lbr, the truth is what others think and how you are treated does matter, you shouldn't let it consume you and you shouldn't count everyone's opinions as valid and meaningful, but everyone needs and longs to be treated in a positive way, to be accepted, included, wanted, etc. So it is stressful to put yourself in a situation that might result in being exposed to negativity and social rejection. Plus, it's a new thing, going into that space, sort of publicly making that statement even if it's not super public but it's still you going into a public space where anyone can enter. In the end, unfortunately, embracing one's true self, in this case, also means potentially exposing oneself to some negativity that wouldn't happen otherwise, so it's totally normal to be nervous and afraid.

    The place I live in isn't all that liberal(by European standards) and there's hardly any gay spaces for me to go into but I did chickened out from going to Pride(which is a relatively small event here sadly, only like a 3000 ppl - it's a city of over 2mil) these past 2 years since I realised I'm bisexual, because I somehow felt too exposed being by myself there.
     
  10. SevnButton

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    Hi @Broccoli -
    Yeah, that's completely normal, and yes, you will be OK. I have felt it, and lots of people here on Empty Closets have written about it. For me it was wanting to go to a gay bar, or the LGBT resource center, and having to summon up my courage to just walk in. I think it's basically the fear of the unknown while letting go of a previously accepted definition of myself as a straight man.

    For me, the most important thing for getting comfortable was to be clear with myself ahead of time about what I wanted. And what I wanted was simply to talk and connect with some people.
     
    #10 SevnButton, Sep 15, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2018
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  11. Love4Ever

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    It's normal to be scared for the first time you do anything new. So it's okay. I think it was really brave you went. It sometimes takes time to adjust.
     
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  12. r2de2baca

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    Totally reacted same way when I went to LBgT center. Paranoid about being outted etc. It was basically hard for me to accept this was my community amd that I was now included in all of this. I had a very much me versus them view of the lgbt community and to some extent still do. It does get better though. Best advice is to do more gay stuff and go to more gay things and you will fee more comfortable being around other gay people.
     
  13. Biguy45

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    I’ve often felt the same way. That I’m bi, but don’t really belong with others in the community. I’m starting to realize that is incorrect
     
  14. Broccoli

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    Thanks everyone who has replied. It's nice to feel that other people have experienced the same thing. I'm going to go again and see how I feel.
     
  15. r2de2baca

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    Im bi too and straight and gay people often tell me im in denial. Its frustrating. I feel like I do not belong but I do. If i am with a guy then I am gay at that moment so the labels really do not mean much. I dont know mostly I know I just have an attraction for guys but cannot relate to many gay men. For me just because I am attracted to dame gender doesnt mean I automatically relate to every gay persons experience. There is certainly a gay culture of curcuit parties, unicorns, travel trips, lingo and ways of acting and behaving that is really more socially learned than has anything to do with your sexual orientation. That is the part that I cant relate to.
     
  16. Biguy45

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    I agree. I’m not really into that culture, but I also know that not every gay or bisexual man is. Like a lot of people, I’m just a regular guy who happens to like men and women
     
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  17. smurf

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    Don't feel ashamed. We were all raised, even in big liberal cities, that being LGBT is just wrong. Many of us had to unlearn that toxic message and it leaves a mark. Its okay to experience all of it. When it happens, try to not judge yourself for feeling that way. Next time it happens try to look at it with curiosity "Oh, wow. Interesting" And just sit with it for a second. Be anxious and let it be okay. We all went through it once :slight_smile:

    Yep, just keep showing up!

    First time I went to an LGBT meeting it took me three times to actually go in. I would go to the building, to up to the door, and then just walk away. Sometimes I just made it to the parking lot and then drove away. So just keep showing up, sit with the anxiety, and get used to the space. With time, your brain will start understanding that nothing bad is happening from going there so you will stop feeling less anxious.

    There are other things that you can do to keep pushing yourself, but if all you want/can do right now is show up then do that. Show up, have coffee, read an LGBT book, and call it a day. It will feel better afterwards :slight_smile:
     
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  18. SevnButton

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    Yup. Been there, done that! Then I strengthened my resolve to go into the LGBT resource center. I drove downtown on a weekday afternoon, parked my car, walked to the building, felt that flood of emotions as I reached for the door handle, and ... IT WAS LOCKED!!! The next time worked out better, but I still felt the weakness in my body as some part of me was saying, "don't do it! ".
     
  19. BlueElven

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    Almost everyone experienced this. I never went to any LGBT centre but I remember my first LGBT meet up that I attended to. It will get better, trust me. Whether you are are out or not, it will get better as you continue to pull the courage from within you.
     
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  20. Tightrope

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    I think you can now look back at that and laugh because that's funny when you think about it. The guy must have been somewhat of a jerk. I am totally turned off by gay guys who use words like she and bitch to refer to other men. When you enter a group situation, you have to take everything that comes with it initially and then sort through it.

    I wish people would accept this and let people be who they are. There are a lot of regular men and women who experience this and because of all the odd things they can run into choose to keep to themselves. They don't want to deal with these things. The G-B-L friends I've had have been very regular people and I like that. Except for some who drank a little more than they should and one who smoked his way into an early heart attack - he survived- they're all chill and don't push anything on anyone.
     
    #20 Tightrope, Sep 18, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018