*TRIGGER WARNING* A few months ago I got into a really economically tough spot. My bank account was in the negative and I thought to myself that if I became homeless then that would be the last straw and then I would kms. Suicide has always been my first thought when things go south. The thought of it has always been my safety net. The whole situation with being broke was getting to me. I was a fairly successful cam model and despite the fact that all of my customers where sweethearts online that doesn't mean that it wasn't degrading. Whenever I'd get a tip over 1000tokens id start crying cause of how much that ment to me. Anyway, there was a period where my cam room had a bit of a dry spell and I wasnt making money. So I ended up posting pictures of myself online and advertising myself. The first guy, lets call him 'Robert'', a poor excuse of a human being. Mind you, im pretty gay, the only reason I lable myself as bisexual is cause I am in a very serious loving and commited relationship with a guy, the only guy ive ever been attracted to (inside and out). Anyway back to Robert. I went on a couple "dates" with him and each time I was forced to take ecstasy pills to get high. I said no but he insisted and said it was a requirement and then after I took the pill he would check my mouth. He looked like an extremely repulsive nastier greasier version of Woody Allen. Then he would take me out to a club then we would go to his appartment and we would fuck and then cuddle. I remember everything, how disgusting and nauseating everything was. I get flashbacks and I wanna cry all the time. Certain things trigger me and its fucking horrible. I feel so fucked up about it. My boyfriend, is very supportive and loving. Mind you we had issues cause he kept telling me, "id rather be dead than have to see you fuck for money" he was always dead set against me doing anything of the sort (on occassion he would cam with me but that was actually fun). But im dumb so I ended up selling myself either way. Money is a huge stress in mylife, my biggest fear is not having enough money to survive. We were going hungry so I sold my body. There was another guy lets just call him Philip, disgusting, he is actually in Trump's Maralago club so you can already imagine the kind of asshole he was. (I confirmed his identity, he was loaded). He was disgusting. I just wanna be over with what I did it has me so fucked up, my self esteem is damaged and the fucking flash backs kill me. I find it difficult to enjoy existing. I cant live like this. Even a simple water bottle triggers me and sends me into an angry spiral of depression. Anyway, to end this post on a positive note, I recently converted to Christiantiy, that is one thing I can say has been really helping me deal with suicidal thoughts, Its had a positive impact on my life.
Daniela, you've been through a really painful, traumatic, and difficult time. Many women and men have been where you were at. You aren't alone. You can be there for yourself too. Give yourself love and understanding as a friend would show you love and understanding. I don't know where you live, but often there is support for those in financial need. Whether food stamps, food banks, soup kitchens, welfare, charities, churches, etc. I know at my local food bank those who volunteer can receive free food and they give free food for those in need. I just want you to know there are options, you don't have to do work that is traumatic for you. It sounds like you are dealing with PTSD too. I personally understand how that is. So I hope at some point you can find some therapy to help you because it's hard to fight alone. There are therapist who use a sliding scale or covered by insurance. If therapy is out of the question, dont worry about it right now. A support group for survivors might be helpful in dealing with the sexual trauma side of things (I don't think they cost anything). There's also a healpful youtube channel called Trauma Recovery University if you need some resources and there are online support groups. I'm really glad you found faith is helping you. Are you going to church? Church itself is a support group for general life. There are LGBT affirming churches too.
Therapy is unfortunately not an option, maybe one day in the future. If I did have PTSD, could it go away on its own without treatment? I recently got my food stamps card which is a little embarrassing but I am grateful for it either way. I have not been to church, but i would really like to, maybe sometime in tbe future that will be more of an option for me, but ive been praying and reading the bible which really soothes my anxiety. Thank you for your kind words and useful information <3
In my experience PTSD can get easier but not go away. Like, some things don't bother me as much (I can get into a car with a man, people can touch me, etc) but I can still have a total melt down on things that seem insignificant. If the mind/body doesn't process and resolve trauma we will still act like the danger is still around to protect ourselves. Living in stress has a negative impact on us u fortunately so it's good to do what you can, when you can. I haven't received proper help for my issues related to PTSD yet, due to financial issues as well especially since I want to afford a more expensive therapist. I understand not being able to afford one. But free online information or books have been helpful. Breathing, mindfulness, meditation, and self compassion talk really helps me with anxiety in general. Yeah, it does feel embarrassing, the embarrassment won't be forever though. It helps to know that we all struggle from time to time. We all need help. That's part of the human experience. There's a time others help us, and a time where we can help others. We're all in this together. Reading the Bible helps my anxiety too and I just went back to church. There are some online gay christian forums if you need easy access to christian support. United Church of Christ (the UCC) might have some online support as well.
Its nice to know that I'm not alone. Thank you for the tip regarding the UCC, I will take a look at that too. I really apprieciate your responses to my thread, you've been more than helpful. <3
