Hello everyone: long story short--i am just now starting to explore my sexuality and confusion about it in therapy. I told my therapist this week that whenever i was out and about, i would say "See, you just noticed a cute guy, not a girl," and then feel safe in my sexuality. I haven't done that in years, but i still don't notice women (or men really, but i also am pretty isolated). There are two people in my life that have sparked this confusion, and my therapist asked me if initially i was physically attracted to them. I said no, (and it never really came into play), but it was an emotional connection. She said that maybe physical attraction isn't something that comes first, it is an emotional connection. I don't know how i feel abot this. If it is true, then maybe i am not 100% straight, or even 50%, because i have always conected with females on an emotional level...but to me that speaks of female friendships. how can you know the difference? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Read about demisexuals. I identify with that. I have to connect with someone emotionally before I feel physically attracted to them. I can look at people and decide if they’re attractive, but to desire someone there has to be some sort of emotional attachment. I can connect with friends and not feel attracted to them, so that’s how I tell the difference. In general I know pretty quickly if it’s more than friendship.
Demisexuals are simply an ordinary part of the sexual orientation spectrum. If we really identifed everyone who meets that definition, then about half the population would be demisexual. There's absolutely nothing special, unusual, or unique about the label, it simply describes an extremely common experience among a large portion of the population. Perfectly fine to use the label, but it's really totally unnecessary. There are plenty of people who are attracted to people for who they are, not what they look like, and plenty of others who are attracted to both physical and emotional attributes. And there are an awful lot of people who, once they become deeply connected to someone, don't even really notice physical attractiveness one way or another in the person they're dating (or friends with.) I think your therapist is correct; it's quite possible that, for you, you might simply feel the connection and that's what draws you to the person, and whatever physical appearance factors are there don't really play into it. Perfectly normal, perfectly on the ordinary spectrum, and not requiring of any special label.
I have close female friends that I have a strong emotional connection to but have never been physically/romantically attracted to them. I have also been close emotionally to women and definitely been attracted to them. For me, when the feelings are platonic, there is a definite "boundary" somewhere. Like I love them and enjoy their company but I cheer them on when they find their significant other, I don't feel a sense of jealousy or betrayal. Whereas with someone I have a crush on, I tend to want more exclusivity. I want to share things with her and her alone, and I start noticing a thousand little thing I adore about her. I'm not sure if that's helpful, but I definitely agree with the others that demisexuality is natural. And kind of beautiful. If you're really struggling with labels, it might help to think more about the individuals you are attracted to than groups or genders. At the end of the day that's all that matters, when you meet someone you truly want to love and be with.
We're here if you want to talk. I haven't been here long, but the interactions I've had have really helped me.
I feel what you're saying. It has varied a lot for me. One of the toughest situations is what starts out as a very strong physical attraction that, before it even becomes a sexual situation, is extinguished because you've developed a friendship with the person and that's more important. We talk about the friend zone for people we may not be attracted to. These are situations where you've put someone you're attracted to in the friend zone. There still is an emotional connection and possibly a very deep one at that. I think that the person may have been intriguing or had some strong pull that you then got over because they were available to you as a friend when you didn't think they might be. There are also situations where you are attracted to someone, you may have physical intimacy with that person, but you realize they won't be among your friends. There are then situations where you were attracted to someone, you may have had physical intimacy with that person, and then a friendship may form where sex happens less frequently or not at all. If this is an issue that bothers you, it is entirely appropriate to discuss this in therapy.
@Tightrope I appreciate how you put this into words, it's very relatable for me. I've re-examined past friendships and realized there was definitely attraction there in some cases (likely one-sided), I just had no outlet or means to understand it, so I just buried it.
i keep thinking about this, and just don't know. i don't know what "regular" women feel about female friendships. some of mine are closer than others, but i am emotionally connected to them in some way, I will say, with J (the girl from college), it was very strong. i did want to spend 24/7 with her, but the thought never crossed my mind that it meant anything more until she kissed me and said she thought we had more than just a friendship. i was wasted and very surprised, and i told her i had never thought of her like that--which is true. i then cried in my bed. 15 years later, i still think about her, even though she's married (to a man) and has a kid. its not devastating as the loss was for the first 5 years...but still. i suppose that means something.
