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Embracing your homosexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by eron, Jan 11, 2023.

  1. Engdood1

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    I completely identify with this post. Almost exactly the same. In private times I fantasise about men but just can’t seem to move forward in real life for so many reasons.
     
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  2. Contented

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    This is a very difficult task when viewed in conjunction with internalized homophobia which I firmly believe is a product of the heteronormative programming we receive from almost birth. Same sex attraction is painted as wrong, perverted, abnormal, sinful and a disgrace. It is any wonder many of us struggled to even think we might be gay let alone act on it. How sad so many of us live unfulfilled, unhappy and unable to satisfy our basic sexual orientation. Forced to play a role as if in a play instead of real life. Unfortunately there is no magic bullet that makes our struggles to embrace our homosexuality easier. It is a real shame that so many men can’t for whatever reasons embrace their true sexuality. I encourage you to keep trying. Living exactly who you are is worth the whatever it takes. Life is too short to live unfulfilled and a lie. I know from personal experience breaking free is not easy but living as a openly gay man makes it all worthwhile. Keep moving forward, it’s the only direction you have.
     
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  3. dch

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    I keep telling myself that if I’m bi, then why put myself through the stress and anxiety of revealing my same sex attractions. I can just find a woman to settle down with, and no one will ever know. But I’m also wondering if what I’m thinking is attraction to women is just a part of me that’s not willing to let go. I’m still not convinced one way or the other though. It’s been a very long process for me to even admit to myself that I’m not straight. It’s taken many years.


    I think about this a lot regarding my own upbringing. I grew up in a conservative part of an increasingly red state. While my parents weren’t particularly religious, they did send me to Sunday school every week, so there’s a bit of religious indoctrination that occurred. I also remember a teacher I had in 5th and 6th grade repeating telling our class how wrong homosexuality is and said that gay people just need to see a counselor and cure themselves of such things. (This was back in the ‘80s when people could get away with such comments.) Considering all of this, it makes sense that I most likely have some internalized homophobia going on.

    I appreciate your encouragement. I will keep trying to embrace this part of me.
     
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  4. Gayhusband

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    It will seem appropriate when you’re ready
     
  5. Searching2022

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    I realize this too - when I was repressed I got angry at seeing it but when i accepted myself I naturally felt 'oh wouldn't that be nice'. It's amazing how the mind can play tricks.

    I held onto this for years.

    Only you can decide and know - but based on my own experience and what I have seen on Empty Closets, the more you explore and accept gay feelings any attraction for women rapidly fades.

    Imagine you saw one of those attractive women at door A, and one of your gay fantasies at door B, which one would you choose?
     
    #45 Searching2022, Jan 26, 2023 at 2:36 PM
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023 at 2:40 PM
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  6. Searching2022

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    I used to look at women, I tried and tried to fantasize about them and get aroused, and I just couldn't. With my last girlfriend I had to 'do it' almost exclusively from behind and guess what I was imagining I was going.

    Many gay men find women beautiful are are interested in fashion but don't get sexually aroused.
     
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  7. Searching2022

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    Again only you can decide, but based on my own experience, it sounds like you're in what's called the 'bargaining' stage - mine went like this: Well I have these intense gay fantasies, but maybe I am bi, and if I am bi I can just avoid the stress and anxiety of facing that I am gay.

    Little did I know on the other side of all that fear is an incredible sense of joy and warmth.

    Maybe try this exercise: go to the mirror and say "i am gay" see how it feels.
     
  8. eron

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    Through the years - well decades - I was attracted to women, even had great sex with some, but deep down, ever since puberty, I had a "secret" interest in men. As time went on, and I became more comfortable with accepting my same sex desire, I found my sexual interest in women fading to the point where I no longer have any sexual appetite for women, fantasize exclusively about men, and seek out sexual encounters with men only. I still find women attractive, i'm not repulsed by the thought of having sex with women, but it's just no longer my thing since I fully embraced my homosexuality.
     
  9. Contented

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    I don’t know what the psychological process is but this is so true. It’s seems we reach a tipping point where we can no longer override our same sex attraction. As the scales start to tip our attraction to women begins to disappear faster and faster. In my case within a small window of time not only was the attraction gone but the physical ability as well. For me instead of upsetting it was an actual relief that I was finally done lying to myself and others. Now the idea of sexual intimacy with a woman is just plain gross and repulsive. This is not to say I am so jaded that I don’t see beauty in a woman( dressed of course) but just like a beautiful painting I have zero interest in intimacy with either of them. I appreciate women as colleagues and friends but nothing else. Not even a second thought these days. I feel so gay and it feels so good!
     
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  10. Enzo46

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    I entirely understand this. I acknowledged I was gay but did not accept it for many years. I got worn down by all the pretence and eventually got to the stage where I joyfully accepted my sexuality. From that moment I lost all sexual interest in women and have now reached the stage where, even though I can find a woman attractive, I find even the thought of any such intimacy completely distasteful. I know that I am and really enjoy being 100% gay.
     
  11. dch

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    Yes, over the last few years of reading posts on here, it sounds like it's quite common for people to come out as bi only to have their attraction to the opposite gender quickly fade once they begin to explore their same sex attractions. I suspect that's what very well might happen to me. I also wonder if there are people who explore this, are initially excited about it, but then once the excitement wears off a bit, they realize that they are actually bi. Kind of like when a child gets a new toy for their birthday. They'll forget about all of their older toys for a while, but once they've had the new one for a while, they'll return to the older ones. As you've said, I guess I'm the only one who can determine that.


    This is exactly what I've been telling myself for the last few years since realizing and accepting that I'm not straight. If chances are equally good that I'll be able to find contentment in a relationship with a woman as I would with a man, why subject myself and the people closest to me to the turmoil of me coming out. But I've been in a relationship with a woman for the last two years, and I'm definitely not content. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not with the right woman or if I'm wasting my time because there's actually no woman I would be content with.

    Assuming they were of equal attractiveness and there was no risk of anyone finding out, I would definitely choose door B. But I'm not sure if that's because door A has been chosen many, many times, and door B is the shiny new toy.

    I just did this a few minutes ago. Actually, I said "I am straight," "I am bi," and "I am gay" just to see how each one felt. They all felt uncomfortable, but I think that's just because it feels weird to talk to myself in a mirror, but I have to admit I did feel a certain arousal when I said I was gay that I didn't with the other two.
     
  12. Searching2022

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    Looking back its just because the organ stimulation felt good but I was thinking of something else. There were a handful of times I had enjoyable sex, but its nothing compared to my gay fantasies.

    @dch this may sound odd now, it did to me, but eventually I realized I was actually kind of grossed out by naked women and female sex parts. It came as a relief to finally admit it and stop forcing it.

    Usually, based on posts I have seen at EC the opposite happens, it gets deeper and more intense and female attraction fades completely.

    I think you probably know the answer... at this point it just sounds like the bargaining stage.

    bargaining.

    Its ok to have a lot of fear and anxiety about this, but on the other side is a wonderful feeling. I was as scared, if not more scared than you and now I love being gay.
     
  13. Searching2022

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    fear of being gay often manifests itself in 'i can't be gay because (I look at women, I might be aroused by one one day) .
    I will be blunt, I think you know you're gay and the fear of coming out is whats holding you back.
    Imagine you were in a city where you knew no one and it was LGBTQ friendly. You saw a cute guy smiling at you. What would you do?
    If there was no anxiety about coming out - lets say everyone you knew died, would you even hesitate for a second?
    Of course that's not reality but your reaction is a good indicator of whether you're reacting to your fear or your real feelings.
    It could be coming out is not a possibility for you now - but self acceptance is

    Since you're feeling something with looking in the mirror saying I am gay, why not try it again?
     
    #53 Searching2022, Jan 27, 2023 at 1:00 PM
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2023 at 1:03 PM
  14. dch

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    I have no doubt that I would jump at the opportunity. In fact, I just recalled having that exact fantasy as long as 25 years ago. I think I just chalked it up to curiosity at the time.

    After rereading what I've posted here so far, it does seem like that is where I'm at right now.

    I appreciate your bluntness. And I actually think you're exactly right. I've just been thinking back to my past relationships with women as well as the one I'm currently in. Yes, I enjoyed the sex for the most part. It often seemed like a chore to work up the desire for it, but I was fine once we got going. I remember losing interest in sex with the woman who became my wife after only about three months of dating. When we were married, we only did it about once a month on average. I've never actually looked forward to sex with my current girlfriend in the two years we've been together. It just seems like an item to cross off the bi-weekly to-do list to keep her happy.

    Now I did feel very attracted to my ex-fiancee and always enjoyed sex with her, so that might be a big reason I'm still holding onto this idea that I'm bisexual. But enjoying sex with one woman over the course of thirty years doesn't really make a compelling argument for that, I suppose.

    I've worked up the courage to have sex with a guy on four occasions between 2013 and 2018 (the same guy each time). The third and fourth times occurred within three days of each other. Something seemed to shift in my mind after those last two times. I can safely say I enjoyed them more thoroughly than any time I had sex with a woman. Unfortunately, anxiety got the better of me shortly after that, and I ended up sabotaging the whole thing. But I still think of those two occasions frequently. Aside from a few unfortunate "relapses" with the ex-fiancee after that, sex with women has been even less satisfying than before.

    Is it possible that I could meet a woman whom I would feel genuine attraction towards and be able to live contentedly with? I suppose. But it seems increasingly apparent that the chances of that happening are extremely unlikely.

    And so, I must concede that, yes, I'm gay. Now what? I know no one can figure that part out but me. It all seems so overwhelming though.
     
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  15. Contented

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    It would seem you have reached that critical tipping point regarding your sexuality. It certainly seems based on your posts that your internalized homophobia is holding you back from finally acknowledging once and for all your gay. Many of us as we face the ultimate truth of our same sex attraction we look for ways to retain some type of hetero identity. Some are comfortable as bisexuals but many of us know deep down we are gay and it’s just a delaying tactic so we don’t have to face the reality that we prefer men exclusively. It’s a process and it’s take time as this is unmistakably a major life change that requires time to become comfort as an openly gay man.
     
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  16. Searching2022

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    There were times I enjoyed sex with women but it was not because of them being women. Looking back it was because of some emotional connection- i felt good being stimulated, but looking back it was 'work' and a little gross to stimulate them.

    I think you have your answers right here.

    I am guessing what will probably tip the scales for you is when you realize that being with a man more thoroughly enjoyable than anytime with a woman sexually, but also romantically. Think about what it would be like to be living with the guy of your dreams, coming home kissing him and saying I love you... for me, even imaging that was way more intense than any thought I ever had about women.

    Yes I can have sex with a woman, enjoy her company, see their beauty, but its no comparison to doing that with a guy.
     
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  17. eron

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    I had some good sex with women, but it was oftentimes a bit of work, and I never really enjoyed performing oral on a woman. Wasn't gross, just didn't do anything for me. As time went on, similar to others here, I would fantasize about guys to help get off, and became more "butt-focused." I finally reached a point where I could get aroused but wouldn't orgasm. In contrast, when I finally took the plunge with another man, it was intensely erotic and a struggle to keep from climaxing too quickly. Being able to feel my true, inner sexuality was liberating and exciting.
     
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  18. Searching2022

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    Yes, and I also realized I was jealous of when she performed it on me.
    This was my experience too, but for years I wrote it off, it was incredibly liberating to just admit to myself I am not aroused by women and don't actually like looking at, touching or performing oral on a woman's vagina.
     
  19. dch

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    I think you're absolutely right. It's sort of amazing how far our minds will go to hide or deny all of the evidence of who we truly are and what we actually want. Admittedly, I'm still wrestling with this. I guess I know what I'll be talking about at my next therapy session.

    Performing oral on women has always been something I've had to psych myself up for. I enjoyed it on rare occasions, but it was almost always something I did simply to attempt to please them. I've never actually performed oral on my current girlfriend in the two years we've been together. I can't believe she's never asked why.

    Alas, it seem unlikely that I'll get a chance to find this out, at least for the foreseeable future. I live with my girlfriend, and, partially for financial reasons, it's just not feasible for me to walk away at this point. So I guess I'm basically saying to myself, "Yup, I'm gay! Anyway, back to business as usual." But I do at least feel some degree of relief by at least admitting that much to myself.
     
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  20. Jakebusman

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    here's my question is embracing and accepting 2 different things ?