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Either way I hurt and confuse my family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by CharlieLuca, Sep 7, 2021.

  1. CharlieLuca

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    I am coming to terms with the fact that I am transgender and I am experiencing gender dysphoria.

    But I'm also experiencing another kind of guilt and confliction...

    I love my family (by family I mean my close family- my mum, dad and my sister) and they are supportive and accepting, just my parents don't understand the whole LGBTQIA+ stuff and find it confusing, which is fair enough. I'm not having a go at them. I really want to be honest with them and tell them that I am transgender and I am also experiencing gender dysphoria but I'm scared to tell them.

    Last month I told my mum I was going to request to legally change my name. This hurt her, at first I didn't get why which hurt me too and it still hurts a bit to an extent. It was something to do with the fact that I didn't want to be associated with the name she and my dad chose me at birth, which is fair enough. I do get why they're upset. But me realising I need to transition, I know that my parents wouldn't understand and would be very hurt by this, I mean it is essentially disassociating from the gender i was given when they gave me life.

    So I guess you think I have my answer there but I don't.
    I experience the feeling of guilt a lot. And I hate feeling like I am hiding something from my parents, who I love very much and who love me very much too. This makes me feel guilty. But I also hate the idea of hurting them and causing them more pain and confusion, that would make me feel guilty too.
    And on another side, they're in charge of my money and stuff (I'm not in a position to be in charge of my money) so surely they're going to see the bills and where things are coming from and what I'm buying- cheer binders and boxer shorts and clothes from a men's clothing store) and then they're going to know something's different, right? And this is probably just me overthinking and my anxiety getting in the way as per usual but I don't know what to do...

    This is a big part of my life and they need to know and it's probably better it coming from me right, rather than them finding out through my bills... Omg what if they've already found out?

    I don't know what to do. It's tearing me apart, being a male trapped as a female but at the same time it's tearing me apart if I lose that bond with my family over this.

    And I guess I could try talking my sister but since this is a major factor of my life I know she's probably going to tell my parents

    :fearful:
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    A doctor assigned a sex to you based on a comparison of your externals to stereotypes. Your gender is something that is inside you. If you are male inside then that is who you are. Your gender and your sex are two different things.

    Also, in my opinion that whole "we gave you life" thing is garbage. Parents are not gods, they cannot create life. They had a child which is in fact not that difficult to do, in fact a whole lot of people do it entirely by accident. Now being a caring and supportive parent, that is an accomplishment and is difficult.

    As to you being you hurting them. They may react that way and may say things like that but you being you does not hurt anyone. It is not as if you walk up to them and punch them in the face, which they would then be correct in saying that you hurt them. You living your truth is something that if they really care about you is something that they would support wholeheartedly.
     
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  3. staticinmyattic

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    Thanks, I needed to hear that too
     
  4. CharlieLuca

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    Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that.
     
  5. SteveBi45

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    As a parent myself, the most important thing for me is that my kids grow up to be themselves and that they communicate with us about anything. There is nothing more upsetting for me than the idea that my kids can’t come and talk to me. Yes, they won’t tell me everything I know, but the important stuff.

    So reading your words, I believe that while your mum may be upset that you’re changing your name, she will be happy in the longer term that you felt you could talk to her. Change is hard and upsetting sometimes, but continue to keep communication open. Ask her how she is and how these changes are for her. You will both treasure those conversations later.
     
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  6. CharlieLuca

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    Thank you @SteveBi45.


    Update;

    I actually came out to my parents yesterday evening (over email). They actually responded surprisingly well and were actually full of advice and support, which I really appreciate. And to be honest I think they sort of knew already.
     
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  7. SteveBi45

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    This is great news! I'm also not surprised that they sort of already knew. It seems you are lucky and have parents who care for and love you. Glad to hear your coming out with them went well.
     
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  8. QuietPeace

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    Congratulations, that is great news.
     
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  9. CharlieLuca

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    Thank you so much for the support!! :grin:
     
  10. Ingvermama

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    This is so good Charlie, I’m so pleased for you and want to support you if I can as a friend.
     
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  11. CharlieLuca

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    You already are supporting me. :slight_smile:
     
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  12. quebec

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    @CharlieLuca.....I am so happy for you! ***HUG*** ***HUG*** ***HUG*** :old_smile: :old_smile: :old_smile: !!! My situation is similar to yours, but in the reverse. I am a parent and I want the best for my kids. I have three grown sons. I am out to the oldest due to a very serious surgery in 2016 that had a significant chance of failure . I wanted him to be ready to care for his mother and I wanted him to hear from me that I was gay...not from his mother. The surgery was successful and he remained the only one of the three to whom I was out. Then last Christmas my middle son (37 yo) came down to my office and was talking to me and acting strangely. After some time he told me that he needed to tell me something. He and I have always been closer than my other two boys...we are more alike than the others. After a lot of beating around the bush he told me that he was pansexual. He then started to explain what that meant. While he was explaining, I was going through "shall I come out to him or not" in my head - over and over! :old_eek: He finished and was watching me for a reaction. I told him that I had no problem at all with him being pansexual. He is married to a wonderful girl that he obviously loves very much, has two step-sons and one little boy of their own that they really do love. So I dropped the bomb and came out to him, telling him that his father who is heavily involved in church and has never said a word about the LGBTQIA+ Community is Gay! The poor boy had to actually sit down and then broke out in tears...and I joined in. I told him that I had only accepted that I am and always have been gay in 2014 and that I had never cheated on his mother. I told him that I came out to his mother in March of 2016 and that we had chosen to stay together because we do love each other and because our family is very important to us and we want to keep the family together. He and I had a really good cry for about an hour or so. So Charlie...my family is like you family...we love each other very much. Our love is stronger than someone realizing that they are gay or pansexual. I think that your family is also stronger than someone in your family realizing that they are transgender and are changing their name. Your parents were there when you were born, when you spoke your first words, when you took your first steps. You mom put bandaids on those skinned knees and your dad helped you learn to ride your first bicycle. It may take them a little while to adjust to the new situation...but they have been with you for your entire life. I don't think that they will turn their back on you now and walk away...no I don't think so...they love to much to do that!
    .....David :
     
    #12 quebec, Sep 23, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2021
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