Dressing a potential LGBT child

I know I am a lesbian but at the moment I DO kind of need some advice from the point of view of someone who is a family member of a child who is possibly LGBT.

There is a kid in my family who is 11 and she has at least once indicated that she might be attracted to girls. I am related to her through her father and he isn't aware that she has said this, nor is he aware that I am gay so he is slightly in the dark which makes things tricky.

There are many issues with this kid and her family situation at the moment that I won't/can't go into, but one issue that I have become involved with trying to resolve is her appearance. She is quite badly overweight for her age. This has led to some quite serious body image/self esteem issues. As a result of this she is refusing point blank to wear clothes that are acceptable to wear - it's gotten so bad that her school and others have raised concerns about it. It looks like she is being neglected. She wears mens t-shirts that are at least two sizes too large and that are almost full length on her and she usually will only wear over-seized jogging bottoms. No jeans, nothing fitted. Everything oversized! She doesn't tend to want to wear anything new, preferring second hand stuff - quite often her dads old ripped t-shirts etc. She really does look terrible, and unfortunately in trying so hard to cover herself up she actually is making herself look even bigger and is drawing more attention to herself. Where we live kids have to wear a school uniform and not only can we not get one in her size, but also she refuses point blank to put on the alternatives that are bought for her that look similar to the uniform. She will go as far as damaging them to try and get out of wearing them. Every time she HAS to wear certain clothes (school, special occasions, funerals etc.) it turns into a full blown fight. Some of them have been absolutely brutal! Her dad is at his wits end.

Her father is aware she is over-weight and hopes to tackle that, and he is aware that she isn't happy and has self-esteem issues, and I think that is why I have been drafted in, but he isn't aware that she might be LGBT. We HAVE to get this child into better fitting/looking clothes and I am the only person involved with this atm that is aware of all the facts that might play into why she feels she wants to dress the way she does. If she grows up to discover she isn't just a tomboy but is naturally a more butch person, or if she goes on to identify as trans etc. then how do I tackle this now? I don't feel equipped. I'm not a mother! I have a lot of kids in my life but I have zero experience in raising them! I'm not butch myself - I don't really fall into any of these categories associated with my sexuality to be honest. I've had a different journey, one in which the way I dressed wasn't really an issue, but I am really aware that for others within the LGBT community that it IS an issue, often a massive one. I feel intensely uncomfortable saying "You can't wear that!" to her because I don't want to make things worse for her, but at the same time she realistically no longer carry on dressing the way she has been. The issue isn't really about the clothes being men's clothes, it's about the size, but to challenge the size might not only be a problem because of her weight but because smaller sizes will be more feminine looking and because she might think we are trying to dress her more girly. Her dad really would like her to look more girly, but I can probably deal with him, and honestly I think he would just be delighted if she was wearing anything that fit her, was in good condition and was respectable looking.

If there is anyone out there who can give me any advice at all I would really appreciate it. This kid is having such a hard time at the moment. None of us want to make her life more difficult. I love her to bits. I love her dad to bits too and it's horrible to watch how strained their relationship has become. We want to help her, but I am so scared we are gonna end up inadvertently causing her more problems because her sexuality is possibly tied up in all this too.

 

Unfortunately that is not the case - she can't wear what she wants, not all the time anyway. She HAS to wear a school uniform and is currently refusing to do so. Her parents have found themselves in trouble because she won't wear it. Next year she will move to a different school where not wearing uniform could see her excluded/expelled. We are desperate to at least get her to wear the required uniform now, and get her used to doing so, before it becomes an even more serious problem next year. The uniform she has at the moment is quite causal, next year she will be required to wear a more formal uniform.

I fully understand that because as I am a bigger lady myself and for various reasons my own self-esteem isn't exactly flourishing. I am not always the cleanest or tidiest looking (although, I do make an effort when I am around the kids), but the thing is that as an adult I am responsible for myself. She is a kid, and her father is responsible for her and is coming under increasing pressure because of it! It's not just that he's being judged because of how she's dressed - it's slightly more serious than that now. I genuinely love this kid and she and I have always been close. I do fully intend to spend more time with her just to have fun and to try get a smile back on her wee face but it does feel like this issue with the clothes, and these ongoing conflicts with her dad, is just hanging over us all like a black cloud. I know we have to tackle her self esteem in order to help her but the unfortunate reality is that that is going to take time and we don't have time when it comes to the issue of the uniform in particular. She has to be going to school clean, tidy and in a presentable uniform now.

Having gone shopping with her in recent days I sincerely doubt we are at the stage were that would work. She is absolutely adamant not to put on anything that isn't a mans XL! She is just 11 years old, and I know she is big for her age but a mans XL absolutely drowns her. The sleeves of the t-shirts are down to her wrists. We tried getting her the same style shirt in the smaller sizes but it was absolute hell! It's mans XL or nothing! The L, just the next size down was great - it covered her belly but wasn't too oversized, but she was having absolutely none of it. Tempers flared, everyone is stressed half to death at the minute with all the stuff that is going on, and there ended up being a full blown shouting match in the middle of the shop. There were no winners!

You see, this is a big concern for a lot of us. It feels like the way she dresses now actually is making her a sitting target for bullies. She stands out more because of the way she presents herself at the moment. She really doesn't look good and kids can be so mean and this is going to be an even bigger problem when she changes school next year.

Yeah, I totally get that. I really just wanted to factor that in purely because no-one else currently is. She was a bit more girly when she was a little kid but has always tended to be a little more tom-boyish than other girls her age. In the past couple of years she seems to have shed more feminine things in general though, it's not just her clothes. I just don't want to encourage her into clothes now and then for her to turn around in ten years time and say "you were forcing me to be someone I wasn't!". I don't wanna be that asshole!

She doesn't know that I know about the conversation she had where she said she likes girls either. She knows I am LGBT friendly even if she doesn't realise that I am actually a lesbian myself though. Hopefully she knows she can confide in me about it if she needs to. It's still a bit scary prospect the thought of helping a child that isn't your own with that kind of thing - especially when I've not proved very good at navigated my way through it myself.

I've definitely picked up on her problems and I do want to help her. I just want the best for her. I won't lie though - it is extremely difficult not to become very frustrated. It really is! She is a challenging child and I have my stuff going on which means I am a bit on edge myself. I don't think her school offers any programmes that would be of use. I can't be get her therapy either. I am not a parent it's not my place, but I will try to sit down and talk to her father about it to see if I can encourage him to seek it out. I think it would help with some of the other stuff too if we could get it sorted.

Can I ask how you feel would do you think would be the best way to talk about the subject given that you now wish you had someone has talked to? What would have got you talking without feeling like you were being forced to, but in a way that helped you get it off your chest?


As I said above, I just feel completely out of my depth (and more than a little exhausted!). Usually I would keep out of things like this, or at least don't get so deeply involved as I find myself now. I am usually the person who gets to arrive, spend time with kids being the big silly fun adult for a few hours and then go home and leave the parenting to the parents. I can see her dad is really struggling though and he's dealing with a lot of this stuff on his own. He's asked me to help with this issue with the clothes and I want to be able to but I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place! She doesn't understand fully how bad the situation is that is going on around her, and he possibly doesn't understand all the stuff that is going on with her. I can't see how to make it work so that the both of them can get what they need in this situation.

 

I am so reluctant go into specifics (for several reasons, I am not just being mysterious for the fun of it) but I am a blood relative, someone she who she knows well. I am also her Godmother. I am not a random person suddenly butting in. I have been a part of this child's life since the day she was born.

There was a split between her parents when she was little. As is common after a split her father only got to have her at the weekends. He tried to feed her healthy meals and buy her clothes that she liked but which fitted her when she was with him, but the rest of the week he had very limited control over what happened. A lot of what happened was not great. She has now, only quite recently, gone to live with her father full time. She was used to not really having many rules to live by, and to getting away with more than she should including what she ate and how she dressed. Even before moving in with him full time she has started to refuse to live by rules, she had this "I don't have to do this the rest of the time, so I am not doing it now!" attitude and when he didn't back down she would ring her other home and demand to go there. That is currently not an option. Now that he has her full time he is desperate to have a chance to fix a lot that is going on. especially before she gets older and it becomes more difficult. He wants to enforce the basic rules that someone her age has to live by, he's not being super strict, but it seems that way to her. It's causing a massive amount of drama and he is overwhelmed. That's why he has reached out to me. I am probably realistically the only female in his life that stands a chance of getting the child to cooperate or confide in them, and I am not feeling super confident about my chances.

The girl has, as you will have now gathered had a lot of upheaval and a fairly unstable life up to this point. All those of us who are involved now honestly do have her best interests at heart. There is a lot of regret, and upset but we can't go back and change what has happened up to this point. We can only deal what is in front of us at the moment and we are trying, but we just absolutely terrified we are gonna make things worse. She needs to live by rules but we are conscious there are other things going on with her, and that this is all yet another upheaval - it's the finding the balance between all these things that is difficult.

I posted here purely because I am the only person involved in her care at the moment who is aware of this issue of her sexuality. I feel a level of responsibility when it comes to that as a result. I started to deal with my own sexuality much later in life and still have my own struggles with it. I can see now that I maybe started to panic a little and over think things a bit when faced with this kid who has said she is questioning too especially when none of the others know. I suppose all I really can do is give myself a shake, deal with my own anxiety, try to be someone she can trust and look out for her as best as I can.

 

Thanks for your reply.

In the time since I last posted we actually have been thinking along the same lines as you! She has started going to a few groups and has been trying out new activities and that seems to have given her a bit of a boost.

Things have moved on a bit since I last posted in other ways too. She does seem a little more relaxed than she was which is so nice to see, but it's clear there are still some really big problems, perhaps even more than we at first realised. There are more people involved now - official people, people who probably have a better idea of what they are doing and who feel slightly less out of the depth than me and her dad, so that has helped. All this change, it was quite sudden and there was a lot of information for everyone to absorb and deal with and when I posted my original post I was basically in full blown freak-out mode. I've managed to give myself a bit of a talking to and got myself calmed the hell down a bit (well, on the surface anyway! I am still slightly freaking out internally! lol).

Knowing other people have other issues in hand, and having had time to digest all that has happened, it feels less daunting that I know about the questions around her sexuality when no-one else does. I'll find a way to deal with it and help her if needs be.