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Dreading Christmas

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Patrick7269, Nov 25, 2018.

  1. Patrick7269

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    Hi all,

    As usual I’m coming to EC when I want to be a lot more honest with myself online than I would in real life. Thanks in advance for your thoughts, and sorry if this is a bit bitter.

    I went to the hospital this summer for an autoimmune disorder that damaged my nerves, making me unable to feel my limbs and unable to walk. I was in-patient for 4 weeks while I went through IV treatment to repair my immune system, and I did 6 weeks of after care physical therapy to regain my strength.

    I’m so glad I made it and my life is back to normal, with only a few residual symptoms. But I can’t help but realize that I needed a lot more support than what I got. I’m not in a relationship, so there was no significant other going through it with me. Some friends that I thought were close didn’t come visit, and surprisingly, other friends that I didn’t expect to come just “came out of the woodwork”.

    My mom was simply too busy to come. She had crafts to make and baseball finals to go to for her grandkids. My brother just worked lots of overtime but we got to talk on the phone while I was in the hospital. I’m 1600 miles away from them.

    I had to re-learn how to use my body, and my family just wasn’t there. As my siblings are talking about a vacation together this year I’m just wondering where that ability to travel was when I needed support.

    I was outed in 1984, and my mom’s first reaction was that she wouldn’t have and didn’t want a gay son. I finally believe her. After all these years, I finally understand that I’m a shameful detour in her life. After 34 years of trying to please her maybe it’s time I just admit what my family really thinks of gays.

    I really don’t want to hop on a plane to go pretend for Christmas. Why the hell should I smile and just play a part, when the real reaction of my mother was her very first one? Why do I have to work so hard to “earn” understanding and respect - what my straight siblings, nieces, and nephews get for free?

    I really don’t want this anymore. If I wasn’t so good at lying to myself my life would be so different right now. I needed family, not a pack of lies.
     
    #1 Patrick7269, Nov 25, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2018
  2. Lone Wolfe

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    Please don’t book a flight to see your mom for Christmas. Come see me and we’ll play in the snow (if we get some by then). You need a BF.

    BTW - I was once hospitalised for something similar that ended up being Guillain-Barré syndrome. Is that what you had? Not fun to have your family ignore you through it.
     
  3. Patrick7269

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    You’re exactly right, it was GBS. Absolutely no one in my family really understood what I went through.
     
  4. Bolt35

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    Glad to see you survived through that ordeal, that must've been the roughest part of your life. And if you came out of that strong, I definitely take it as you're a pretty strong person in my book. Where I'm going with this? Welp, I think starting over is a good idea. When you feel like your support system isn't working out, it's best to meet people that will help you, care for you, and be there for you when you need it the most. Sometimes, family that are blood related don't want the same, and it's okay if you want to distance yourself from them if you aren't getting the same unconditional love that your siblings or your nieces and nephew are receiving. You are entitled to your own happiness and it doesn't have to involve the people that don't want to be a part of that.

    On a personal note, you're a a lot stronger than that and you can do better without them. It's hard at first but i guarantee you that you will feel immensely better when you start surrounding yourself with people that would want you to do better.
     
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  5. Lone Wolfe

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    Not trying to focus on your illness, but did you lose a ton of weight in the process? I came out of the hospital weighing 100 lbs (I’m 6’3”) and looked like a walking skeleton. It felt great, and gradually I got back to my normal weight. Just curious.

    You mentioned “...I needed a family” ... where should I start on this one. I was the youngest of three boys. My dad died 3 weeks before I was born, so I never had a dad around. Instead I was the object of amusement to two older brothers. I have not spoken to either of them for over 40 years. I’m not seeking them out either, I could care less about them. My mom did her best, which is not to say that we were close. My first attempt at suicide was at age 6. That has to speak volumes about there being something wrong at home. My childhood was shitty to say the least. It had its positive moments, but only moments. When mom told me to get out, I was both shocked and hurt. I vowed I would never return, and told her that this was the end of our pitiful relationship. It was. I spoke to her over the phone about once a year, her making the call to me. That went on for years until the calls simply stopped. Good riddance. All that warm-fuzzy aside, inside I always longed to be part of a normal “family” as I imagined it. That is where your comment hit home with me.

    I came out around age 16, and was happy, bubbly, naive twink. My happiest times were after mom threw me out and I was on my own. I had no problem being gay. I totally disagreed with most men I came across who simply wanted an orgasm and “see you later kid”. You know how tough it is - nobody will do anything to help either. You’re on your own. After much therapy, I ended up being pretty tough emotionally, which I needed to get this far. I met my BF in the hospital (while I was in for GBS). Sadly, that was the only person in my life who ever truly loved me. We had broken up when I met my wife-to-be. It didn’t seem like a sustainable gay relationship would ever happen, and I had this stupid idea that I wanted to have a family, so I got married. A lifetime later, I can tell you that while having a family was extremely important to me, other dynamics make it almost impossible to achieve that “Hallmark Channel” family reality. I was completely open to my wife about what she was getting into. She knew I was gay, even knew my BF, *before* we got married. We both wanted a child, and there was no way I was going to get one by being single/gay. Fast forward 36 years, she moved out, manipulated my son against me, and here I am alone again wondering WTF. I had to write my mom out of my life - now I do the same for my wife and son. Sad, but I’m not crying. I said I was emotionally tough. You don’t get to do it twice, and from the sound of various posts here, the picture of family just isn’t in the cards for some folks. I no longer “need” one, but having somebody around who cared about me would be nice. I have two dogs who I tell everyone are my “two underaged girls that I keep locked up at home”.

    My point in sharing this is that maybe you need to simply focus on *you*. Craving after something that might never be will be a weight on you until you either achieve it, or drop the weight and move on. Your family sounded a lot like mine, and dumping mine has helped me so much. You will see other things in your life that are important to you, that can substitute for the craving to have a “family”. Sorry for rambling on, our lives sounded similar, and I’m just farther down the road than you are.
     
  6. Biguyjosh

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    Based on what you said, you're going to be miserable there for Christmas. You should stay home and be with friends, or take your own Christmas trip.
     
  7. Patrick7269

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    Thank you Biguyjosh.

    I’m not sure what to think. I also have two beautiful nieces who are only 6, and all they want to know is how soon Christmas is so that they can see me. They really love me, and of course they have no idea what’s happening.

    My family did call while I was in the hospital, and they are not in a position to afford a last-minute trip. Mom is 74 and retired, and my brother has his own problems. How much should I expect?

    I guess my real hurt is that they simply didn’t understand. They simply don’t know much about my day to day life, and this whole health crisis was just really remote for them.

    So they legitimately couldn’t come, and I understand the constraints. It’s just really obvious how absent they are from my life emotionally.

    I really don’t know what to do.

    Patrick
     
  8. Lone Wolfe

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    If my single son was in the hospital in another state, I would be there, especially if I was 74 y/o given I don't have a day job at that point.