Doubting same sex attractions

A lack of connection between two people is simply that - we aren't going to connect with everyone. But a lack of connection says nothing about sexual orientation.

Even though these women in particular may have had experiences where they have so far failed to make good connections with guys (who doesn't?), that doesn't mean they suddenly desire women, right? The real test for you isn't the failed connection. It's the fact that you sexually desire women. It's really that basic. You didn't decide you are lesbian simply because of lack of connection to guys, right? I'm assuming there was/is actual attraction to women for you. When the doubt comes, think about what turns you on - whether it's specific sexual acts or simply a warm embrace, touching, kissing, etc. If women feature in your desires and fantasies, and not men, then you have all the assurance you need that you really are lesbian, despite the similarities with your straight women friends.

 

I feel like everything you are saying applies to me. I didn't really start questioning my sexuality until after I broke up with the last guy I dated. I just never had a connection with him, or any guy I've ever dated. But now, I have absolutely zero desire to ever date a man again. Even though I have never done anything with a woman, they are all I want right now (sexually and romantically). I think I just wanted to feel validated by the fact that a guy liked me. And I never really liked guys until I knew they liked me, much like what you were saying. I think a lot of the comp het stuff applies to me and just that I never really examined my sexuality deeply until recently. I feel like I never had to though, because I rarely dated. Having constant doubts really sucks.

 

I agree that can definitely make the waters muddier. Even though I still have a lot of doubts, some days are severe, I always go back to the time when I realized I was more than likely gay. It was like a light bulb when I off and I realized this is why I have always felt like I was different my entire life. I actually want to be gay now and I am most happy on days when I don't have any doubts. On days I do have doubts, I tend to get pretty depressed about it. So I feel like if this was all just in my head, that I wouldn't have such strong reactions. Who knows though....

 

For what it's worth I reacted exactly the same way to men 'other' straight women did (partly in denial at that point) until I accepted myself, including that I was bisexual. It was only after I accepted myself that I started to realize my reactions had changed because my view on myself and the world had changed. I really have difficulties understanding them sometimes now. But I reacted just like them before. You can very well be lesbian but still be in the acceptance process.

 

as a woman, there are certain experiences you’ll share with other women, regardless of sexuality. although the people we’re attracted to might be different, straight and gay women did grow up in the same society - with the same expectations placed upon them. just think about how often girls are told they probably have a crush on a boy when they’re talking about one, maybe complaining about how annoying they are etc, or the idea that if a guy is into you, you should be into him as well. to be told these things from an early age on makes it sometimes difficult to differentiate between moments you’ve convinced yourself you’re attracted to them, and when you genuinely are. regardless of sexuality.

what’s different between gay women and straight women in this aspect (for bi women the experience overlaps) is that for straight women, the trick is to learn when they’re genuinely into men and when they ARE. many of them never even think about this: they just accept things for what they are. for gay women, the trick is IF you feel any genuine attraction to men at all. straight women don’t typically question that part. they don’t think “hey this one time i liked that guy i was only attracted to him bc he was attracted to me.... so am i maybe a lesbian?” they just KNOW they’re attracted to men. they don’t try to identify attraction to women, because they know it’s not there. does that mean that there are women who think they’re straight but actually aren’t? definitely. and a lot of them do eventually realize it, later in life, but i wouldn’t go as far to say as all of them. are there people who genuinely think they’re not straight but then turns out to be after all? not many. straight people just rarely have reason to seriously question. but as women in a patriarchal society, it only makes sense some experiences are shared (even when they have different outcomes) amongst gay/straight women.

it’s normal to go through phases like these where you’re questioning yourself more than others. i like to think it gets better. hold onto the moments you felt more confident about who you were: you’ll get there again, you just need to sit this one out for a bit. hopefully, as time goes on, these phases where you’re so uncertain will get fewer and further in between — it’s a process that needs time, and self acceptance (in whichever way!) is never a linear process. but definitely know you’re not alone in this, and you also don’t have to get through this alone (which, by having posted this here, you fortunatently already know to some extent)! but you’re definitely not making this up. and if you’re this scared that you’re attracted to men, i think it’s highly unlikely you’re bi, too. i actually feel like this doubt you’re experiencing alone is validating of your identity: it’s something so many of us go through but that straight people almost never have to experience. because there’s no voices going “you SHOULD be something different than you are” or “it would be easier if you were more like the norm” if you’re straight that you need to fight off. not being straight means constantly having to fight those voices, though, and it only makes sense that sometimes you just can’t for a while. and then they just hit you extra hard, they kick you when you’re down. just because you can’t fight them 24/7 doesn’t make your experience any less valid!

 

I couldn't help but smile while reading all these experiences, because I could recognize myself in them.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm bi because maybe I haven't found the right guy yet, after all it happens to straight women too. And even straight women meet men who they have no chemistry with or marry them out of social or family pressure. So how can one tell the difference between a bisexual or straight woman who finds a certain man unappealing and a lesbian? The difference I think becomes obvious in time. A lesbian simply doesn't find any man sexually attractive AND has an apparent attraction for women. Both the lack of attraction to men and attraction to women are consistent in a lesbian's experience. A bisexual finds women attractive but can also be attracted to men -if she finds no man interesting she's probably a lesbian. As for straight women... tysnad worded it perfectly. They have no same-sex attraction to worry about. So if you worry, you are at the very least bisexual.

I mean my mother's straight and she, as well as many of my straight friends, never understood why it was so hard for me to decide whether I like a man or not. Because it shouldn't be so hard, it should come naturally, and it shouldn't be something to be decided but experienced beyond any doubt if you're straight. They simply don't get it. And you know what, I couldn't relate to them as they couldn't relate to me and the reason is for this probably quite simple: we're not the same. They're straight. I'm not.

 

I always find myself of two minds when these threads crop up. Simultaneously interested and confused. I guess for me, the question I always walk away with is, why is it so important to know for sure? Why is it so important to dissect, analyze, evaluate, attraction on either side of the table? What I have gleaned form these discussions is that no one ever seems to be completely anything in particular to me, otherwise if everything was so simple, cut and dry, black and white, there wouldn't be so much discussion, debate, etc. But why do we do all of that? Maybe there really is nothing to figure out, or if there is it is something so nuanced and impossible to pin down it's not worth it to try to put a name to it. I honestly wonder sometimes if we are just causing more worry for ourselves being in a constant state of questioning. Part of being able to truly find answers is to sometimes accept not having any. As someone who deals with anxiety, OCD, racing thoughts, over analyzes all kinds of things to death, the advice that I see everywhere I look has been to just let go at some point. Worrying yourself to death doesn't actually help even though in the moment it feels like it does. I guess for me, I realized I just don't have to know. It is what it is at whatever moment I'm in. I had to let go of the luxury of certainty, because I don't think I would ever have found it.