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Doubting myself again

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AlexJames, Feb 12, 2019.

  1. AlexJames

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    Youtube suggested this to me: so hooray, now i doubt myself again. Its a cycle every single fucking time. Because yes, i've been through traumatic shit and yes i've been taken advantage of and i'm very good at fooling myself. I spent my entire teen years convinced i liked guys (i don't, i like girls, but you couldn't have told me that) and that i was just being a good, studious daughter and religious person by not so much as looking at boys. I had a very higher-than-thou outlook on it without realizing it at the time.

    I just...i feel like because i didn't know from the moment i was old enough to dress myself that i was transgender, that surely i'm not. Yes i always felt different and always hated being labelled alongside other girls (but generally when people do that its negative anyways?). And yes packing for the first time even with just a rolled up sock just felt indescribably right and comforting and just right. And wearing a binder for the first time i felt like a kid on christmas, like finally i could not only stand to look at my silloutte in the mirror (never could before) but liked it. It was straighter than i'd ever seen it.

    But i've never had...centered body dyphoria. i can't think of the word but i never specifically hated my breasts or genitals i just hated my body as a whole, hated my reflection in the mirror. I grew up with no idea of that transgender was a word let alone something you could be. And its not something i immediately felt connected to, either. But i was also raised in a transphobic and homophobic (and to a point racist) family. It wasn't until i came on here to figure out my sexuality that i started to question my gender identity. But then seeing this video and reading the comments...i wonder if i just need to get my mental health sorted and then i'll be fine and not think i'm trans no more? Like would that happen? Is that why i'm scared to come out at work? I keep imagining them hating me or making fun of me and screaming or insulting, coworkers and customers i mean.
     
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  2. Mihael

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    That would surely help, no matter what the result would be. To me, your repeating doubts sound like depression or anxiety or something like this. When I had a harder time at uni, I tended to question my gender unhealthily much. Now, I don't care as much. I feel like whatever I am, that's fine. So you sound pretty much like my past self with a lot of anxiety about everything induced by school. If you get what I mean. It only proves my point that you list the things you're afraid of if you come out and that you'd care about ridicule. It all is just not... such a huge deal.
     
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  3. Mihael

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    But yeah, if you come out and it changes nothing and doesn't feel right, it's a sign that it was not the right thing. Absolutely. And feeling like it's not you when being the gender you came out as.

    And there is nothing wrong with trying to transition and then realising you're non-binary. It's a frequent scenario that people either think they are binary trans and then realise they are non-binary or the other way round: think that they were non-binary and the realise they are binary trans. Nothing to beat yourself up about.

    And. Clean your browsing history and cookies. Social media are harmful to mental health. They create a bubble to confirm what your views already are. If you click something because of a certain fear, then the algorithm only multiplies this fear by suggesting other similar contents. Best : don't watch you tube. Second best option: clean your history and cookies regularly.
     
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  4. EverDeer

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    If it’s any consolation, whenever I see detransition videos, they always make me spiral into some kind of existential crises where I doubt myself and invalidate myself and point out all the little reasons I could probably never be trans to myself....
     
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  5. Crisalide

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    Is the environment at work really that toxic? D: Or are you assuming that your coworkers will behave like your family, which was your first contest for socialization and dug in your subconscious teachings about social interaction that are now hard to remove?
    Ehr, I don't know if I wrote it decently, but what I mean is: you're scared by multiple scenarios, but you've gathered them all in a single mental snowball.
    1) Self doubt about trans identity
    2) Social rejection if you will *detransition* after an eventual transition at work
    3) But first, social rejection if you *transition* at work (>>> Are you sure they're gonna behave like your family?)
    4) General mental health to fix

    As my therapist says, issues have to be dealt with one at a time. Split them like pieces of cake. Instead, when we're worried or sad, we make a snowball of all the issues and cry / get angry / fear them at the same time.
     
    #5 Crisalide, Feb 13, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
  6. AlexJames

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    Yeah, i'm assuming they will react like my family would. I know my supervisors would be cool with it and use my preferred name/pronouns if i asked, hence why i've been debating coming out to them for months. I like what you said about making a snowball of it and the bit about socialization. I'm feeling a bit better this morning but it still haunts me. I feel safe at work.
     
  7. PatrickUK

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    If our mind keeps bringing us back to the same place (as it did when I was struggling with my sexuality) there is a need, at some point, to confront the reality of what's happening.

    By your own admission, packing for the first time felt indescribably right and wearing a binder felt like Christmas. Just sit and consider those statements for a while. Sit and consider the gravity of what you are saying and then ask yourself if the doubts make rational sense.

    Growing up in homophobic/transphobic background, will have left a mark. Maybe not on a conscious level, but perhaps in a more insidious way that isn't easy to perceive. So if you're thinking about getting your mental health sorted this might be the place to start. I don't think you can approach it from the perspective that you've got it all wrong, considering the strength of the remarks I highlighted above.
     
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  8. Bernice

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    Yeah I'm kind of in the same boat. Been questioning myself for so long but seem to get doubts any time I got to do something about it. Just about to go private in regards to medical help but keep hesitating on sending off the questionnaire and money.
    But then its the same everyday, I swing from being sure to having doubts then back to sure again.
     
  9. LaurenSkye

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    I, myself, am not trans, but rather stuck in the not-quite-straight, not-quite-trans area (or not-quite-male, not-quite-female). I do often doubt myself. I wonder if I'm fooling myself, trying to be something I'm not.
     
  10. cgrumms

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    What you're feeling is totally normal. I myself don't feel fully female sometimes. Just embrace your true self however you feel that day. And if you just wanna stay in the middle, then just wear jeans and a hoodie or something. Usually works for me and my friends
     
  11. RainbowGreen

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    Having your mental health sorted out is clearly a good thing and it can only help you figure things out, but never forget that you can both have mental trauma AND be trans. Yes, a lot of those who do detransition had mental trauma, but most of the time, they also get dysphoria when they try to alter their body (as they didn't have dysphoria beforehand, but more body dysmorphia). The fact that it felt so right to bind and to pack should be a sign that there's more to it than just having ''mental trauma".

    Anyway, since transitioning is really a big deal, I would encourage you seek counseling and make sure there aren't any underlaying causes. Just remember that most trans people also experience doubt (even when it doesn't make sense), so don't beat yourself up over it.
     
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