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Dont Like My Thoughts

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by melissakok, Oct 22, 2015.

  1. melissakok

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    Hi friends. I am a lesbian who has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The ocd has really been bothering me lately and I think the problem I will describe is part ocd and partly just discovering my new self (and allowing myself to feel those feelings). So I have an awesome lesbian friend here locally who has helped me in this truly facing my sexuality/who I really am. She's an amazing woman and I don't know what I'd do without her. Her and her wife are both my friends and I love them, although I'm much closer to the one lady I first mentioned. I'd like to meet someone like her someday. Her eyes are so pretty and I like her voice. Its just an appreciation for her but I feel so guilty for having these thoughts. I'm not doing anything wrong but I feel like a bad person. I would never ever do anything with these feelings, its just a friendship but again I just feel so bad. And the more I try to get rid of these thoughts, the worse they get and the worse I feel. Anyone with my kind of ocd will understand.

    Also another friend of mine said that I'm like a teenager now in my true sexuality so its normal to have crushes on everyone but I don't think I have a crush on her. Sometimes I just wish my brain would slow down/shut off for a while. I guess that's why I pray and meditate. But anyway I've just been taking myself (specifically my thoughts) too seriously lately and its making me tired. I analyze a lot of my thoughts and it drives me crazy sometimes. Like I think guys are attractive sometimes but I don't want to be with them. This is all just so new to me accepting myself that I think it may take a long while to fight through all the crap stifling barriers and misconceptions that I have placed on myself over the last twenty years.

    Also I've been lonely sometimes going through all of this because I've tried to fit into society for so long. This journey is both exhilarating and fearful. But I wouldn't change it for anything. Its so awesome to be finally getting centered with my core being. I hope some of this made sense. Thanks for reading. (&&&)
     
  2. Sky82

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    What you're feeling and thinking of your friend is quite normal, or I think so anyway. You will look at people differently now as you are embracing your true self. And you will be like a teenager kid as what you are going though is the same as all the feelings you get as a young teen when learning about yourself. As the saying goes, just as excited as kid in a candy shop.
    Attraction is something which can be both beautiful but also hateful, when you find someone attractive the feels you get are beautiful but then when get to know them on a personal level but can't do anything about it, its going to hurt and you will start to resent it. We all find that one person who won't love us back or can't love us back. You just have to put your chin up and move on. I believe everyone as that special person and its all about fate and timing. It will happen when it is meant to happen.
    Keep being true to yourself and never try to fit into society, it never works.
     
  3. melissakok

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    Thanks so much lady! I love when you said that everyone has that special person and its all about fate and timing. Just have to trust Goddess. I can't see all of the plan... And also thanks for saying you think I'm normal. I really do think so too its just growing pains :slight_smile: a good friend of mine said I'm like 14 years old with accepting my sexuality. I got a long way to go one day at a time. Thanks for your support. (*hug*)
     
  4. idsm

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    I would think of it as normal even if you weren´t going through your ´lesbian puberty´. Thoughts are just thoughts. We can´t control them. It´s our acts we are responsible for.
     
  5. melissakok

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    Thank you isdm! I just recently realized that I am a normal lesbian! I sometimes take on other peoples uncomfortability but I'm learning to be OK with me. Its hard when I've been fighting these thoughts and putting them away and shaming myself for so many years. So glad to have such supportive lgbt friends.
     
  6. mindturn

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    I am very much there too. I just recently came out to my friend (and myself) who recently came out to me (we are not the same sex) and it created this storm in me. I am in utter filled with joy, confusion, fear, hope, and more confusion..... and my hormones are surging so bad that I feel like I am going to explode... or implode perhaps. (I'm new to this so I don't know).
    I had already had a sort of silly "crush" on said friend, but afterwards, that crush turned into a purely boundless love that I have really never experienced before. They are never out of my mind or heart now. I just want to be around them now. Just feeling their energy and enjoying their company. However, there is nothing more to become of that. I know that, but I can still enjoy the feelings :slight_smile:
    I also struggle with ocd. What you described (about how you constantly analyze and drive yourself crazy) is what i call "Rapid thought cycling". Like, crazy crazy spirals of thought that just circle the drain and never go down.
    Something somebody very dear to me told me once.... "Hey, Stop overthinking!"
    That was it. For some reason, that clicked in me. It took awhile, but when I noticed I was rapid thought cycling, I would remember what they said. I found that, in time, it helped to stop that cycle enough that it didn't drive me as crazy. I put a note above my computer that says in big red letters "STOP OVERTHINKING!". I put it up crooked so I knew it would bother me and I would constantly be looking at it.
    I am not saying this will cure ocd. I still struggle. But, it helped. I hope there is something in there for you too :slight_smile:
     
  7. melissakok

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    Hi Mindturn! Welcome and thanks for your share. Its nice to see their are people on here with ocd too! That's funny what you said that you may implode but you're not sure because these are new feelings :slight_smile: I feel the same way. And all the feelings you've described after coming out and being your true self theyre so amazing I know. I'm doing better with accepting me and who I am but that's hard sometimes too because I've always been so freaking people pleasing! But progress is good... A thought came to me the other day when I was feeling different - I'm a normal lesbian :slight_smile: also thanks for that you're over thinking thing. I'll try that... Gotta go back to work. Have a fabulous day! (&&&)