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Don't Know Who I Am

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Beepbeeps, Feb 22, 2018.

  1. Beepbeeps

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    I'm just gonna jump right in. I don't know who I am. This has been a struggle for years. 4 years ago I came out as a lesbian. And then a while after that, I started fighting internally about my gender. I constantly think about being a boy, because it makes me so happy. However...I haven't transitioned in any way, because I'm scared I only want to transition because I always picture myself looking cool. I fantasize A LOT. I have a picture in my head of how I want to look. What if I transition and I don't match the fantasy? That's what makes me nervous. Do I really want to be a boy, or do I want ONLY that perfect daydream? BUT. I have always harbored this...deep discomfort with who I am. I don't like myself, so I like thinking about myself as a man. I feel...some dysphoria about my body. I think about top surgery. And oh boy do I hate the curve in my hips. But, I don't know. If I'm only trying to run from who I am now, will I even be happy if I start transitioning??
     
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  2. Sota

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    I feel exacly as you. I'm not 100% sure who i am.
     
  3. Flynn S

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    That's usually the reason people transition - because their body doesn't match up to who they are internally.

    Lots of trans folks ask themselves these same questions. We're all so worried about making a mistake and so we hold off on any decision we aren't 100% certain about. But that's the thing: people can never really be 100% certain about any decision because they cannot see into the future. Don't aim for 100%, try and figure out what you think is better for you. You can take a risk, there are some non-permanent steps to transitioning, and if you don't like it, take a step back.

    To address something else you said: I cannot say if this applies to all women, but most girls I know do not imagine themselves 'cooler' as guys. Their idea of looking cool (in relation to their own appearance) is still rooted in being a girl (they want to be cool girls, not cool boys, if that makes any sense).

    We all, also, have a specific image of who we want to be and what we want to look like. I, personally, would like to be a millionaire and have thicker maybe wavier hair and speak like David Attenborough, but that's probably not going to happen. Don't be discouraged by the fact that you might not look the way you want. You have no idea what you might look like after a period of time but you might be surprised how close you can come to your ideal. Either way, if you don't like looking/being like a girl, there isn't much of anything you'd be staking if you did transition.

    Try looking at the situation from a different perspective. Would you be happy remaining as the gender you were assigned at birth? Instead of giving reasons you might not be trans, find reasons you might not be cis.
     
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  4. LittleMouse

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    Just to add a little to what has already been sai, you don’t need to rush. Sometimes it’s good just to take some time to explore and think about how you feel, perhaps trying things out along the way if you want. This can be anything from different clothes to trying out a new names and/or pronouns online for example.

    I’m slowly starting my transition journey and I think that’s the key thing it took me a while to realise: that it’s a journey and a process, not something that happens overnight. You can try stuff out and if it feels good, carry on. If it doesn’t, you can stop or try something else.

    Ultimately, only you can tell how you feel and define your gender but there will be plenty of support here along the way :slight_smile:
     
  5. Nike007

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    I struggled a lot with trying to figure out whom I was, and I still do today. I think a lot of it is whom you see yourself in the future. Like do you see yourself with he/him pronouns, a masculine name? Maybe you see yourself with they/them pronouns and a gender-neutral name? Maybe something else all together.

    Having dysphoria about your body normally means that you aren't your assigned gender. You can always try pronouns on here. What I did also was to picture myself how I want to look like, and as you can see on the left, I made an avatar on how I want to look it. I see it as a goal.

    Some suggestions in terms of body dysphoria, you can try build upper body muscles so your hips aren't as noticeable. I hope this helps.
     
  6. Secrets5

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    @Nike007 "Having dysphoria about your body normally means that you aren't your assigned gender."

    Can also be a result of body dysmophic disorder (affecting 1.7 to 2.4% - more than the 0.3-1% of trans GD) autistic related sensory problems, general body dysphoria or based on social circumstances (e.g. a woman not liking her breasts due to objectification).
     
  7. yeehaw

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    Hi, I can't quite tell from your message, but have you done non-permanent things to explore gender, like dressing the way that feels most comfortable to you, and getting a haircut that feels wonderful to you? I didn't really start questioning my gender until I ended up with a super short haircut that most people would consider to be masculine. I was and still am surprised by how wonderful this feels to me. I love it, and I feel far more at home in my body. And now I'm dressing in ways that most people would consider to be masculine (I guess I've always done this to an extent, but now I'm doing it more and paying close attention to how it feels). All of it feels *wonderful* to me (when I'm not scared of other peoples' discomfort about it--and it is making people uncomfortable). I've come to the conclusion that I want WAY less boobage on my body, but also I don't exactly identify as male. I don't want a male chest. This is all just kind of coming at me, and the more I explore, the more clearly I understand myself.
     
    #7 yeehaw, Feb 26, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2018
  8. Aberrance

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    The one thing about your post that hit home with me was "I don't like myself so I think about myself as a boy". And that was exactly the thing that I was uncertain about with my transition. I hated myself and id been bullied my entire life so I had a lot to hate. I only believed I wanted to transition because I failed so much as a girl that I could '''start over" and I'd be a better, more attractive guy. I get the uncertainty and belief that you're forcing yourself into it but you won't know unless you start to transition. I was unsure even whilst socially transitioning but I got to a point where I became 100% certain that I'm a guy, there's no uncertainty or doubt and I know the path I'm going to take to feel okay in my body. Take small steps to see whether you feel comfortable or how it makes you feel in general and you'll reach a point where you realise you are, or are not, trans.
     
  9. Beepbeeps

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    This resonates with me so hard...this is exactly my thoughts! I want to start over because I failed as a girl. All of this...wow I'm so excited! I feel like I wrote this...thank you..this is great encouragement...
     
  10. Beepbeeps

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    This made me giggle, your words are so kind and helpful...I always stress about the fact that I've always met trans men who were SO SURE. But you're absolutely right, I guess I can never be 100% sure! And for the cooler part...dang! Why haven't I noticed that...?? I think I'll start writing down reasons why I don't think I'm cis. Thank you so, so much for your insight...it's infinitely valuable.
     
  11. Beepbeeps

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    You know what's so funny? I sit here questioning myself really hard, but I read something like this, and i realize. My hair is cut off. My wardrobe is male. And...I always wanted this. Always. I think the fact that I still squeeze myself into the bracket of "female" is what upsets me...because like you, it felt wonderful! When they cut my hair off, I smiled the whole way home. I think one part i hate SO much about not IDing as male is, I pass very well, but when they find out I'm female, it's a huge problem. The looks I get and the way people treat me...urgh. Thank you so much for the eye-opening! Aha
     
  12. Beepbeeps

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    Thank you so much for this...I pressure myself so hard to decide NOW. Like...I just want to fit somewhere and feel ok. I'm gonna slow down and focus on the inside...thank you!
     
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  13. LittleMouse

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    Plenty of folk on this very board said the same thing to me and it helped me. Glad I could pass it forward.
     
  14. RavenTheRat

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    Oh honey you’re speaking my language. Anyone on who’s been on this forums while can tell you how many threads I posted on this section trying to figure my brainy parts out lol (enough to probably drive everyone nuts).

    Anyway you’ve been given a lot of fantastic advice but I just wanted to add on and emphasize this- transitioning isn’t like flipping an irreversible switch. Yeah things like top surgery are hard to take back- but that comes near the end of the journey. You start out with things like your name, your pronouns, your clothes, maybe cutting your hair. None of that is permanent- don’t like the name you went by and just ask people to call you something else. Hair grows back.
    I used to feel like entertaining the idea I could be trans was like toeing the edge of a 3,000 foot high cliff, like if I thought ‘maybe I am trans’, I’d just fall down and never be able to get back. It’s more like climbing down some really weird and confusing stairs. And just know that a lot of other trans guys question themselves a LOT- no matter where they are in thier transition. You aren’t alone