I'm just gonna jump right in. I don't know who I am. This has been a struggle for years. 4 years ago I came out as a lesbian. And then a while after that, I started fighting internally about my gender. I constantly think about being a boy, because it makes me so happy. However...I haven't transitioned in any way, because I'm scared I only want to transition because I always picture myself looking cool. I fantasize A LOT. I have a picture in my head of how I want to look. What if I transition and I don't match the fantasy? That's what makes me nervous. Do I really want to be a boy, or do I want ONLY that perfect daydream? BUT. I have always harbored this...deep discomfort with who I am. I don't like myself, so I like thinking about myself as a man. I feel...some dysphoria about my body. I think about top surgery. And oh boy do I hate the curve in my hips. But, I don't know. If I'm only trying to run from who I am now, will I even be happy if I start transitioning??