Hii I sometimes liked thinking of having sex as a man, I still felt feminine and felt like a girl. But now everything is suddenly reversed. From the past 2-3 days I've lost the feminine feeling. I have started feeling masculine. But the sexual fantasies as a man is not there anymore.Last night I imagined myself as a man in suit and I genuinely got a nice feeling and the next moment I started crying cause I thought I would have to transition. In the past I would go crazy thinking about a man kissing me but now whenever I think of it, a thought comes into my mind saying that I'm a trans and I will not enjoy it. It is affecting my studies tremendously. But then I woke up today and the thoughts started feeling a little weird so I felt really happy but few minutes later I again started getting the genuine good feeling from the thoughts again. And I'm starting to feel like I'm not myself anymore. I've started losing all my feminine feelings. In real it all started with the image of me as a man and at the beginning the thoughts felt really weird and not like myself but from the past 2 days these thoughts have taken all the space in my head. It's like I would be feeling good and then these thoughts will start occurring and I would start feeling like a man and not like a girl anymore. In the past someone told me that I looked like a boy and my voice sounded like a boy and I was greatly offended but now I'm thinking that if someone will say these things to me again,I would not mind. I have wide shoulders and I hate it. I always wanted small shoulders but now a thought comes into mind saying that wide shoulders would look good on you if you are a boy. When these thoughts started occurring at the beginning I had thought that I would hate if I looked handsome but now I'm thinking that it would look good as a boy. I was so upset with these thoughts that I tried on my father's clothing and I hated it but thought that I felt like a boy. It's like my thoughts are contradicting. But the thing is I'm not disgusted by my body. I love my boobs and I used to love my vagina too but today I started feeling like I don't like my vagina cause I thought I was a boy from inside .one more thing is that wouldn't I have known that I am trans from an early age if I was trans and shouldn't I have been envious of boys and boys genitals when I first started watching porn .It's been 3-4 years since I've watched porn but why am I having those thoughts only Now. I'm starting to think that I'm bigender but I do not like wearing boys clothes. I don't want to be bigender. I just want to go back to how I was 1 year ago The thing is when I was having my hocd thoughts same kind of thoughts were happening to me but it vanished when I stopped paying attention to it. Previously I always used to imagine having sex with a boy and I used to love it but now thinking of me as a female is starting to feel weird. Can ocd manipulate our feelings to this extent that everything feels real?? Please help me. These thoughts are starting to feel so real that I'm feeling trapped in my body recently but it was not there when the tocd started. It has just started happening to me 2 days ago. I can't share my feelings to anyone. Is this the reason why I'm feeling trapped because I'm bottling up my feelings. Now I feel that I was just repressing my feelings and my true personality all along. I'm not even teriffied of transition anymore but I used to think earlier that I would rather die than transition. Plzz help me. I want to go to therapist but I can't cause of financial issues. I think I'll have to transition to feel better. Please reply and help me.
