Hey everyone, im 18 and i just joined this sight because i constantly worry about my sexual orientation. I always thought i was straight growing up, had huge crushes on girls, stared at girls in my classes, always wanted to date girls in my school, but none would ever give me the opportunity. I was bullied a lot growing up ever since 7th grade i think, people would call me gay, and i never had any clue why. I never did anything gay, i think it might of been because i had a high voice, but who knows. I only was interested in girls, always loved seeing boobs, got butterflies around girls, but i never got a chance to be with any girls i had feelings for because nobody ever gave interest back in me. I felt like everyone was always talking about me, i constantly analyzed myself to see if i was acting gay, i would gey bullied more and never talked to anyone about it, not even my family. I always felt alone and scared to go to school because i didnt want to get bullied again. Meanwhile, i was stilling growing up and still looking at girls, hit puberty, still was looking at girls, aroused by girls, but still was constantly paranoid about kids thinking i was gay. I never had any real good guy friends, which i feel like any guy needs in his life growing up. I remember when i started masturbating even before i could ejaculate, thats how early i got into stuff. I was paranoid about my penis size growing up, even though im well set now, the only thing i ever compared myself to were porn stars. I wanted to do things with girls, but was so insecure that i never did anything, and avoided situations. I always wanted to bad to have a girlfriend and have sex with a girl and just have a great high school experience, but i felt like every girl i talked to knew something about me, its hard to explain, but i felt like everyone in my school thought i was gay or everyone thought i was even out of the question about being seen as a potential boyfriend. I envied other guys havin these great relationships in school. Anyway, to the point. I eventually stumbled into gay porn probably in the end of sophmore year. I remember getting really aroused by it, but i felt disgusted afterwords and wouldnt look at it too often. I never watched porn and thought "wow those guys are hot" but i feel like i got arousal from the taboo of it, the scenario itself. I never put the porn into my real life scenarios, i dont know why but i never thought of this as meaning i could be gay. I still looked at girls with lust, never guys in real life. I occasionally looked at gay porn, but always looked at straight porn. I remember the beginning of my senior year, something finally clicked that watching gay porn is gay, which is when my whole questioning my sexuality came about. I have been questioning myself for a year now. Its so confusing to me what i could be, and its because i honestly dont know. I used to get instant boners from gay porn, but as time went on this past year, by arousal from it has dissipated, which has made things even more confusing for me. I test myself almosteveryday, several times a day, and i havent gotten a boner from gay porn or nude pictures of men in probably 4 months. I read what others say about their orientation on the internet to try to relate myself, but i dont ever find anyone with my same situation. I have never in my life looked at a guy and had a desire to have sex with them. I remember being at my dads house and sneaking upstairs and looking through his playboys and getting so aroused. I remember getting pictures on my phone of naked women, and getting raging hardons from it. Im trying to understand my situation, because i feel like it all has to do with the mind. I can still watch straight porn and get a boner instantly, i can watch women masturbating and fingering themselves and still get a rager, but it still confuses me. And one of the things that confuses me is because i think the reason i had ever been aroused at gay porn or nude men, was because of the way i went through puberty, i had so much curiosity over these men, because i kind of felt like i was always inadequate. I dont know if you think i must be talking out of my ass, but this is seriously what i believe, does anyone think this could be true? I remember the first couple of times i watched gay porn, i felt kind of low of myself. I never had the strong father son relationship that i think is important either. But i remember one time i was going to do construction with my dad, and i felt low of myself going, but we worked all day together in the sun, had a great time, and i felt like such a man afterwords. I remember i went home and felt like a different person, and for some reason i watched lesbian porn that night and got one of the biggest ragers of my life. All that being said, i want to know what you think. I have no problem with gays, i have a gay cousin and a gay uncle and have no problem with how they live their life, but i look at them and never had envy over their lives or relationships, because i never wanted that. One more thing, i went through a week last week where i was watching gay porn and nude guys to test me reaction, and i didnt get an erection again, but i got like a hotflash and started shaking, i feel like it was anxiety or something. But after that, i went a whole week feeling very straight, i can lay in my bed at night and get arousrd thinking about having sex with women, and i can lose it by thinking of men. But for some reason i still question myself constantly. If i go a couple days without masturbating, i can get hardons from pictures of women, can gay men do that? Can gay men be aroused by nude women if they are horny enough? Or be aroused by lesbian porn if they are horny? I know this must be a huge post and a bunch of rambling, but i just have so much to say. So ill end it there, can anybody read my situation and give their honest thoughts about it? Thanks a lot
I'm not sure if you have HOCD. Have you had any obsessions before? Have you been attracted to guys in real life before?
When it comes to diagnosing problems like this, you'll need a psychologist/doctor for that. I thought I had HOCD in the beginning, and I believed it because of all the quizes/answers I was provided with here and other sites. But after talking to my psychologist it's unlikely that I have HOCD, and that I was just confused. Probably not the answer you were expecting. You've mentioned porn in your post. Porn is not meant to determine your sexual orientation. If you are confident in your orientation then porn should not affect you very much, however for individuals like yourself, you need to step away from porn and stop trying to make the fantasy into a reality. In other words, fantasy =/= reality. I too was able to orgasm from gay porn, and to be honest I still do. However the "want" to masturbate to gay porn has decreased because after experiencing sex with a much older man, I realize that I never want to be in a relationship with guys in that way. It's not that I chose to be that way, I'm just not wired that way. Later, you'll realize that the reason you'll fall in love with someone is because of who they as a person. You cannot love someone for how they look; you love someone because of how they make you feel, and how you make them feel. If you think that girl/guy is the hottest person in the world but your personalities do not cooperate, the relationship is guaranteed to fail. Think about your circle of friends. Why are they your friends? Why do you hang out with them? Because you guys have similar interests, whether it be gaming, sports, etc. It's the same concept here for bf/gf. Porn is overrated.
Did you have any other obsessions before? I kind of doubted that you have HOCD a while ago, mainly because you experimented with a man. Most people with HOCD would be terrified of that.
I really relate to your experience with girls, I was much like you in high school, college, early-20's. Introvert, anti-social, anxiety ridden. Never had much success with any of the girls I tried to ask out. The one girl I managed to connect with turned into a heart breaker. The day after we fucked for the first time (also my first time,) she had me driver her to her future fiances house, and she was leaving her parents house. When I was your age, I could get "raging boner" just sitting there on the bus, not thinking about anything... All the time, walking down the hall, boink. I wouldn't worry about it with regards to the porn you watch. I'd stop "testing" yourself, and start putting yourself out there with girls. If you aren't sexually attracted to guys in person, then you're not the least bit gay or bi, my opinion. You could probably use to talk to a therapist, or someone who can help you navigate your confusion.
You wanted an honest answer? Maybe you are bisexual. Or just lost because of puberty. To be honest straight people sometimes watch gay porn too. It's normal. Straight people can also have fantasies. If you have never been attracted to a guy outside of porn, then perhaps you are just straight, but a tiny-but curious. Look for the answer inside, as no one can decide for you. Good luck!
Thanks a lot everyone, yeah i agree i'm gonna stop testing myself, because all it does is cause me anxiety. Whenever i stop looking at the porn for a few days and actually get out in public, i find that i become much more confident and aroused by women. I dont know if a gay man would be able to have arousal from women if he were to abstain from porn like me, but it seems like thats how it works for me
I had the obsession of groping an older man. This slowly manifested into sexual thoughts about them, like scenarios and whatnot. Yeah that's why I do not think I have HOCD because I've experimented and it turns out that I don't like it. But the idea of having sex with a father like figure still lingers in my mind. I can't get it out of my head, and since the idea of it is so sickening it upsets me even more. And the fact that I acted on my fantasies makes it far worse.
Not that I can think of, no. However, I was always overly concerned that I dropped my wallet/phone, forget to lock the door, forget to turn off the stove, etc and in the end I always double/triple check just to make sure I didn't forget/lose it. The way I look at it, seems paranoid to me.
That does seem a bit paranoid. I was asking because I've had a lot of obsessions that weren't related to my sexuality. I've obsessed about looking like a boy when I was a kid. I also obsessed about how precise my glasses prescription was and whether it meant that I was going blind. I still have this obsession to a degree. It's as bad as my HOCD, but it's obviously an OCD obsession. I've obsessed about the music I listen to and whether it's acceptable or other people can hear it. This made me restrict the music I listened to in public and I would often lower the volume or pause the music if I walked by someone. I would panic if I thought other people could hear my music or I was listening to unacceptable stuff. This obsession mostly happened at school so I don't get it as much anymore.
Now that you mentioned school, I remember that I was always obsessed over "did I study enough" when clearly I planned out my studying schedule and I knew I was going to do fine. However I always obsess over the fact that I didn't study enough. I was also obsessed with how I looked and presented myself to people, and that if I made a mistake I would make it seem like everyone saw and despised me of it. Quite depressing if I do say so myself lol
This is sounding a bit more OCDish. Maybe you can't be diagnosed with it, but you might still find stuff like CBT helpful.
I get confused on this issue too. I know I have OCD, but with medication it's not so bad, I function OK. I should seek therapy but I'm not sure my HMO would cover it and anyway to be honest I'm scared. But I don't know if that's why I think I'm not straight or not. I do get obsessive thoughts over wanting to know whether I'm straight. But at the same time I also think I'm not straight. And it's not so terrible to want to know... or at least I don't think so. But every time I go to a support group for bisexual people or for lesbians (which I have tried many times) I just have these thoughts that I'm a fake and I don't belong there. I don't know if you have HOCD or not, since I'm not a doctor, but if you know you want to date girls it doesn't sound to me like you're in denial of anything. You seem to know what you like and want, and just maybe to be confused over porn, but I don't think porn really accurately reflects a person's orientation.
