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Don't know how to feel

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Noodle72, Mar 8, 2017.

  1. Noodle72

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I came out to my mom last night.
    It still doesn't feel like I've come out to her.

    Last night, a lot of the conversation was "I don't know what to say" from both sides. I sort of just said that I don't feel like I'm a girl, and the rest was short questions and answers about who I am, and my name, and who knows.
    I told her that I'm out to my friends and go by Evan when I'm with them. She said it'd be hard to get used to, and it'd take a while, but she would try.

    This morning, it didn't feel like she was trying. She called me by my birthname at least 5 times, but we had a short conversation where she brought up last night and said again that it'd take a while and she needs some time to get used to it, so she would keep calling me by my birthname for a while and needs some time before I can start correcting her.

    This afternoon, since she got home from work, it hasn't been mentioned at all. She hasn't said my birthname or my chosen name, just addressed me with a "hello." It's kind of nice like this, but I just wish she would try out my new name.
    I know it hasn't even been 24 hours since I told her and I might be being impatient, but I've been feeling kind of like shit since I told her.

    This morning, in my video production class, I came out too. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing, we were finishing up editing our film festival projects, and mine was a PSA about trans kids and how shitty it feels to be misgendered. I put my chosen name in the credits, which is the first time I've ever put Evan on one of my school projects.

    After school today, while I was about to go home and walking outside of the school, 2 people from my video production class walked by, and I heard them say "respect my pronouns" in joking voices after passing me, laughing. Maybe my brain made it seem more mean than it was, they might not have even been laughing, or talking about me. But most of the people in that video production class are in grade 9 (it's a video 9/10 class so me and my grade 10 friends are taking it together but most of the rest of the class is younger than us) so I don't even really know those people. I don't know how many people at my school are transphobic or homophobic.

    Generally, I feel like I rushed myself out of the closet. I wasn't quite ready for all this, and now some of my mental health problems that haven't bothered me for months are coming back. At least it's less than a week until my next appointment with my counsellor, so I can talk to her about this. I kind of regret putting my name on that video project, but it's too late now. I kind of regret telling my mom last night, but again, it's too late now.

    I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I have no idea how to feel about any of this.
    I just kinda felt like venting about everything that happened, and here seems like the right place to do it. Considering this is the topic of my vent.


    added note: just now, as I was typing this, my mom came into my room to talk to me. In a sentence when she would've normally called me her daughter, she called me her child. I think the way she's getting used to this is first the fact that I'm not her daughter, and then that I'm her son.
    So that felt kind of nice. She's starting to try.
     
  2. deepwaters7

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Woodstock, Ontario
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It does sound like she is starting to try, it was probably just shock but she seems to be trying.
    As for those kids, almost everyone finds someone like that as they start Coming Out. It makes things hard, but all you can do is try to ignore them, and perhaps there is someone you can tell?
    Not much help, but that's all I have to say.
    But hey, at least you came out, it's not easy to do, so congratz on that specific part.
     
    #2 deepwaters7, Mar 8, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2017
  3. Sauce

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    California
    You're going to get those kinds of comments from people, unfortunately. They're, you know- that type of person.

    As for coming out too fast, everyone has their own speed. Just do what you feel is right. I've been slowly inching my ass out of the closet since October of 2016. It's March now and I still haven't told my parents the name I want to be called.

    Congratulations with your mother though, it sounds like it will be getting better. It nearly always starts out feeling worse right when you tell somebody, at least in my experience. It'll get better though.