I’ve just finished having therapy with a counsellor within the LGBT community to help me get a better understanding of my gay thoughts and feelings. The therapy helped me to be more accepting of my feelings and lead me to the point of labelling myself as not-straight. I’m 19 years old and around 6 months ago I came out of a near three year relationship with a girl that I was in love with. Throughout the time I was with her I suppressed my thoughts and sexual feelings towards men and basically denied it to myself. One day it really him me and I had a semi mental break down over it where my mind was racing and I couldn’t stop the thought’s that I’m gay. This lead to several months of sever anxiety and depression and in the end led me to splitting up with her (I never told her the true reason why). The thing is there’d been many times we’d done things with each other and had sex when I’d really enjoyed it and then there were other times where I’d image she was a man (which made me feel very guilty). Since separating I’ve had three occasions where I’ve been sexually active with a girl, in which two of the three occasions I’ve not been able to get into it properly and the one time I did was with two girls at the same time. The reason I’m on here writing this is because I’m starting to think that I’m just in denial about being completely gay and now there’s this girl that I’m speaking to and really like and I’m scared if I get with her I’m not going to be able to perform again. I’ve also noticed that gay porn turns me on a lot more than straight porn, although straight porn does still turn me on but not to the same degree. Sorry for the rant, I just hope there’s someone who can offer some advice who’s ever been in the same position or who can relate to some extent.
Hi, and welcome. Most of us here have been in your situation at one point or another in our process. Whether you ultimately decide you're gay, straight, or somewhere in between, one of the best things you can do to help yourself is to realize it isn't something you can change or influence; it just is. From what you describe, it does sound like you're probably closer to gay than straight. You might want to think about what that means, and whether you want to be considering starting a new relationship with a girl right now, or whether it might be better to wait a bit and work through your feelings. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. Take a breath, give yourself a moment, and realize that whatever you are, you're no different than who you were last week, last year, or 10 years ago. You're just you... and perhaps a "you" that you're coming to understand a bit better. I hope you stick around. The more you talk about this, the easier and more quickly you'll come to understanding of yourself.
Thank you for your reply I think you're right in saying I'm probably more gay than straight. The reason its so hard for me is the fact I've never had any sexual contact with a man and only with girls. It just frustrates me that sometime I can do things with girls and watch straight porn and enjoy it and then other times I can't. Another thing is I fancy girls wouldn't say I fancy boys, its purely sexual. Through my therapy I've come to accept that it might just be because I've never though of boys in this way and only that of girls, but its still very confusing. Also the situation with this girl I'm speaking to I'm not thinking relationship wise at this moment, I just enjoy talking to her and like spending time with her; I do see her as more than just a friend though. I can't decide if I'm completely gay and that's why I struggle preforming sometime or it could be down to performance anxiety as well
I think the most important thing for you to do is - nothing Most guys are turned on by cocks - notice I did not say guys. At your age, experimentation is important. Conclusions are a waste of time because they will change. As a former HS and College teacher I have seen guys go through phases. Some men go through it as well. Just don't put yourself in a corner. You are normal
Instead of panicking about your feelings (which is a perfectly normal response), try to pay closer attention to them. When do they come and go? What's going through your mind at the time? How do you feel afterwards, when all of the feelings have subsided? You seem to have arrived at the conclusion that you are not straight, so that's a certain amount of progress. Now take your time to fully understand exactly who and what you are. It's not a race and at the age of 19 you have time to work things out properly. How do you feel about not being straight?
