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Don't feel "legitimate"

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sycamore, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. Sycamore

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    Hi.
    I'm 17 and its been 4 years since I've discovered that I liked girls. I know I'm attracted to them in a sexual, romantic way, I had some experiences. Almost all of my fantasies (love or lustfull) include girls in it, and I crave the idea of being with a woman. Guys, on the other hand, confuse me: Idk if im really attracted to them, but I'm pretty sure no guy made me feel what a girl did. I had little crushes on them over the years, but they always felt a bit akward and not right (except on one or 2 celebs haha). I dont feel anything when I hook up with them, however I dont mind doing so, I think its kinda fun. Anyway, I dont really define myself because I still dont know what I'm feeling. But I have this anxiety toward my sexuality. I feel like im not legitimate as a lesbian, even as a "girl lover", since I've never showed signs of interest toward them before my teenage years.When I was little, I was a perfectly gender-conforming kid, I had crushes on guys... almost every gay person, IRL, online, say that they "always knew". Its not my case, and I wonder if my feelings werent real, or at least wont last. Do you think you can be gay if you had no signs in your childhood? Even though you're supposed to "born this way"?
     
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  2. SkyWinter

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    It's a little different for everybody. I don't remember liking guys when I was really young but around 13 I started being flirty with guys, though only a certain type. So it might be the same for you. You might just have a type and until you meet that type you don't feel anything about everyone else.

    Just be patient with yourself. Wait for that moment where you find yourself looking at someone thinking "They're cute/hot" and then realize that you did it.
     
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  3. Sycamore

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    Thanks for your answer. Idk if I have a type of person, but yeah the girls I liked were similar in a way (pretty, confident, intelligent). The thing is that I find a lot of people cute, but I'm not always attracted to them: except when its really big crushes, its nearly impossible for me to differenciate attraction from just appreciation. Anyway yeah, I need to be patient because adolescence is confusing haha
     
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  4. Rakkitora

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    I definitely think you can be gay and have no sings in your childhood. I'm 18, and I first started realizing basically that I prefer guys about 3 years ago, and since then I've gradually become accustomed to it. And before then, I had "crushes" on girls. I put "crushes" in quotations because I feel that those crushes were not really significant compared to some of the attractions that I feel now - crushes I have on guys. The crushes I had on girls I think were based on the fact that I did think that they were pretty, but later on I realized that my interactions with guys turned me on a lot more, and that sexually around girls I felt awkward. I mean, maybe its possible that I could get a crush on a girl that's just as intense as my feelings for some guys? I feel like I really don't know until I actually realize that I'm attracted to a person.

    So in other words, I have had crushes on the opposite gender in my childhood, but now I just feel like I'm more strongly attracted to guys lol.
     
  5. RebeccaK

    RebeccaK Guest

    I don't think there is a single journey that everyone must relate to in order for their feelings to be legitimate. I for one did not feel anything for girls until I was about 16 (one girl in particular) but I still don't know if those feelings I had are what I think they are. Previously I never thought about girls or had crushes on them. I thought about boys all the time because that's what society taught me to do. I had crushes on boys and all that growing up. I also had crushes on male celebrities when I was about 13. Maybe because ultimately, they were unattainable crushes. I'd never meet them in real life or be with them and deep down I knew that. However I never imagined my future with a man. I did not think about who I'd spend the rest of my life with at all. I still don't know if I'm gay or bi but all I know is the "signs" that I had throughout my childhood and adolescence are not "typical". I did not run around and kiss girls when I was 5 years old as some people describe in their coming out stories on youtube. I didn't even consider girls romantically/sexually until I was 17 because the idea of being with guys was so ingrained. I kissed a guy once and didn't feel anything but it took months for me to even reflect on why that was. I'm 19 now. My fantasies for girls started around 17 and I haven't been able to shake the feelings since. I see them in my future. I also struggle with the fact that I don't conform to the typical lesbian "I always knew" stereotypes. So I do think your feelings are valid. Your feelings for girls definitely seem stronger and truthfully it does not matter when the feelings started or if you had signs or not. What matters is who you see in your future moving forward and who you get feelings for from here on out. Have a look at this post on compulsory heterosexuality: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...-is-compulsory-heterosexuality-or-not.465412/
     
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  6. quebec

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    Sycamore....We are all different in our own ways...we all develop, grow and mature in different ways and at different speeds. There is no "right" or "wrong" way or time to understand our sexuality. Some people know from an early age (me) exactly who they are attracted to. Other people take longer and still others can find that their sexuality is "fluid" and can shift over time. Yes...we are pretty much born with our sexual attraction. It's not "taught" to us and it's not a "decision" that we make. The third person that I came out to asked me how I knew that I was gay. I responded by saying; "How do you know that you are straight?" Our sexuality is something that we just "Know". But there is no rule that says WHEN we come to know it. Some people have no indications in their childhood of their coming sexuality, others have many signs. I'd like to suggest to you that at 17 years old you have plenty of time to understand your attractions. What is good is that you are thinking about it. Many people (guys especially) don't ever try to understand themselves...a lot of them are afraid of the answer! Just try not to let this question that you are asking yourself become something that controls your life. I remember a post here on empty closets once, that made a suggestion to a person dealing with a similar situation as you. They said take a week and do your best to think and act, etc. as if you were completely straight. Then take another week and do the same, thinking and acting as if you were gay. Compare the two and see which one seems to work the best, seems to feel the best for you. However, try to remember that very few people are either 100% gay or 100% straight. I hope all of this helps and doesn't make things more confusing!! Oh bye the way, WELCOME to empty closets!! Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing! Hope you have a great week.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #6 quebec, Apr 7, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2018
  7. Assassin'sKat

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    Well, you don't get into that stuff too much until you hit puberty. It's pretty rare for kids to have any serious crush or attraction(though I think it does happen sometimes), so I think it makes sense that you didn't show signs until teen years, although I feel like you are probably at least slightly bi...but only you can know.
     
  8. Sycamore

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    First of all, thank you for all your answers and kindness, its nice of you.
    I've been going through those phases of questioning too many times and I'm a bit annoyed by myself lol
    But yeah, I guess everyone's experience is different. It's just that I'm trying to relate to people's experiences to see if my feelings makes sense and will last. My attraction toward girls is stronger, but I spent my last years discovering this part of myself and had my first fantasies with them so that's logical in a way. But yeah I feel like my attractions are too unbalanced: with girls it's intense, full, natural, but with boys it's a mystery. For exemple, I've never met or seen a guy that I was sexually attracted to, but with girl yes and plenty of times. I talk a lot about sex lol, but personally, call me crude if you want, I think it's a big part in a relationship, or at least a non negligible one. My hookups with guys leaded to some "experiences" let's say that I didn't really enjoyed or cared about. But I can see myself being sexually attracted to one one day: it's just seems weird that i've never been even if I'm such a high libido person, you see? Romantically it's the same, I dont fantasize about having a bf,, the only guy I was strongly romantically attracted to was when I was nine so I don't know if its meaningful... But with girls? I made to many scenarios in my head to count lmao
    But sometimes the idea of sex or being in a relationship with anyone disgust me , like if I daydreamed to much and that now it was just annoying... yeah I'm kinda weird

    I'm starting to find peace in the idea that I'm going to wait for the right person to come into my way, and take experiences as it comes until them (without forcing myself to experience just for the sake of experimenting). Until the next time where I will freak out about not knowing who I am hehe
     
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  9. Pole star

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    This is so true!