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Don't care who she is, won't know who I am

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Orchidea123, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. Orchidea123

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    So I am still married, have no clue what my sexual and romantic orientation is.

    It is my female crush that set all the mess off for me (elaborated in my posts).
    Despite stabilizing my marriage and getting over pain of this all ( I feel relatively content now), I feel another kind of pain. Dull pain.
    It is painful to know I won't be dating a woman, have a relationship with one. And, I won't know for sure who I am. It is pain of something seriously missing.

    It is due to constraints of married family life, but also due to the fact that it is not possible to be with her. I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else.

    The other day I was driving and all of a sudden it dawned on me.. All this time I've been connecting my feelings for her to orientation when in fact I could give a damn of whether she is a female, male, andro, trans, you name it.

    Is it not about my sexuality, but in fact about her and my feelings for her?

    It may be that I am just in love with her and don't care who she is and how this defines my orientation.
    This may sound crazy but if tomorrow she decided to look like a male I would not change my feelings, if she decided to put on a dress I would prob be very jealous, short cut, go trans, no prob. It won't change anything for me.

    Life is very tricky indeed..
     
  2. afgirl

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    Some of this I understand, and some not so much. I think for awhile I had the same feeling, that I would love her no matter what. I didn't love her for her gender, I just happened to love a girl. Things are a little clearer now. I can rationally think back and pick up on little things that tell me this is really not the case. I love her curves, her softness, all the things that make a woman a woman.

    I know we may be talking about completely separate things, but your discussion of liking her regardless of her gender struck a chord with me. That was initially exactly how I described my feelings for her.
     
  3. PlaidGlove

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    I know how you feel. And I think it's absolutely beautiful!! Why not post more about your feelings on here? Do you have an outlet for them? Do you get to express them somehow? I started writing poetry more actively. It helps me cope.
     
  4. Orchidea123

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    Isn't it amazing how dynamic our feelings and perceptions are?
    For now yes, my feelings are regardless of her gender.
    What's confusing to me is that she is both feminine and masculine, and I am attracted to all her facets. I honestly don't know and cannot pinpoint to exact quality of hers that I am so much attracted to and feel so strong about. It may be that I am still on path of some discovery, like you are saying - appreciating female curves.

    We don't talk usually and I have not been close to her. I think there may have been a start to friendship, but I killed it basically ( told her about my attraction) the feelings were going on for some time and way too much to bear and continue.
    Now I am just going about my life happily pretending nothing special is going on in my heart, most of the time.
    Then some realization comes to mind and I feel like it's another discovery, but what for? no clue.
     
  5. afgirl

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    This is going to sound very ignorant, but I was in a little different place in my life. One of the ladies that I work with, who is a really good friend, joked that if we were lesbians, we'd have hot girlfriends. Well, turns out that my partner is a self-described soft butch, which was what I referred to her as even before she said it. She dresses masculine, but her hair is grown out. When we're alone, she seems more feminine, she lets her hair curl naturally, her curves and softness are undeniable.

    However, now I know that a femme girl would not do much for me. Just the same, neither would a very butch lesbian. I guess my interest is pretty narrow, and therefore, it took a while to key in on. Now that I know this, I can look at a woman and tell if I could be interested or not. I guess it took that long to know my type.
     
  6. Orchidea123

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    Thank you so much!
    You are right, sometimes these feelings are beautiful, regardless of life's circumstances. The outlet for my feelings is meditation (sometimes), this site to read and learn what others may be going through.
    I do feel that my story is very typically simple and maybe boring because after crisis with my husband once he found out about my attraction for her, not much excitement happened on developing and establishing my orientation.
    I don't get into tons of philosophy about becoming a lesbian, since I am not even going through all these stages that others are talking about.

    I'm not good but just needed to put this on paper(may be a little cheesy hehe)

    Some day I'll take her out for ice cream
    And get her marshmallows too
    Light pink and fluffy
    Flying twirling in the air
    Like my heart sending beautiful string of pink petals
    Gracefully floating delicate butterflies, disappearing far away,
    Into her heart, to let her know I am thinking of her too.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2016 at 02:42 PM ----------

    You are describing exactly what I may be into, if I am indeed into women. As a matter of fact, first 2 sentences in your quote describe her perfectly, but of course I am never alone with her to see her hair down and curves.
     
    #6 Orchidea123, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  7. PlaidGlove

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    Writing and meditating - both are really great outlets! I am so happy that EC exists so that I can learn about other people's (especially other women's) experiences.

    As a romantic, I don't think there's such a thing as a boring story. I think the way you describe your attraction for her is absolutely beautiful - it's poetic. And so is this:

    I adore that. I think it's gorgeous. Love is supposed to be "cheesy" and "cliché". I think those are just words that we use to hide behind when we feel vulnerable. You know what? If the woman I love wrote me a poem like that, I would melt before her eyes.
     
  8. Orchidea123

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    I guess cheesy is ok sometimes :icon_wink, when feelings are there, you are pretty much out in the open..

    I've gone here a few times - very nice poems, foreign world to me however, so inspiring:
    https://allpoetry.com/poems/about/Lesbian-love
     
    #8 Orchidea123, Apr 25, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2016
  9. Thirdtimecharm

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    Orchidea123, I have been where you are at. When I first began struggling with things internally I was in my teens and it was Bc of my best friend and the way we were, how I felt with her, about her. I convinced myself it was all about her...and it didn't matter what gender she was or wasn't...it was about the person. As I have allowed my self to be more open and accepting, I have slowly come to realize that my connections with women are so much stronger, more meaningful, soul satisfying. I am married, not always happily, but not currently in a position where I would be willing to make the choice to leave. And if I left it would not be because I want to explore relationships with women, it would be Bc my marriage with my husband is not working. But I have also decided that if I do ever leave or am single again, I would pursue relationships with women and more than likely only women. It's been a long road of self discovery...one on which I still am on...but now at this point in my life I am open to accept what life brings to me and be an active participant in my future path forward. I will no longer allow religious beliefs, society, shame, etc to dictate what I feel is right for me.
     
  10. OutofZCloset

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    When I was 26 I was with a man for 8 years and we were happily married for 2 years. When an old "friend" came into my life I immediately noticed an intense attraction towards her. I had never felt that before with a woman. The closer we got the more i really started thinking about what it was about her that was drawing me in. Was it just her or was it women in general? I informed my husband what I was feeling and he encouraged me to explore my feelings and my sexuality. He didn't want me to have any regrets in life and feel like I was missing out on anything. But exploring your sexuality is like opening up Pandora's box. If you experience the intesity and passion that I did for my friend you then realize there is something missing in your marriage and you have an incredible desire to figure it out. I couldn't even put my finger on all of the things I was feeling about her. I wasn't just the physical aspect (we kissed). I came to relize it was much more involved than that. If your marraige is all important I woud suggest you don't go down that path anymore. Because once you reach a certain point (and you already may have) there is no going back. You'll be compelled to see it through. But the problem is that usually means divorce. I ended up leaving my husband, lost the girl, and ended up alone. All because I was chasing some abstract idea of completeness. That was 20 years ago. A year later I did find true love and it was with another woman. I can look back on all of it now and realize the incompleteness isn't just about sex it is also about your identity. I really enjoy being married to a woman so much more. I have a much more intimate and fullfilling sex life. I have a much more intimate and and passionate relationship with my wife. Women speak the same language. I never exerienced such intense fireworks and passion when I was with my husband. But I have experienced that with my "friend" and now my wife. I love the dynamics of a relationship with a woman as much as I enjoy the sex with woman and that is what was really missing from my marriage to a man.
     
    #10 OutofZCloset, Apr 25, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2016
  11. rachael1954

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    OutofZCloset makes a good point. Sometimes the Pandora's box cannot be closed. If your #1 goal in all of this is to stay married, your exposure to new experiences should be chosen very carefully.

    However, for some, they have the experiences and then realize that their marriage is still workable within their life and lifestyle. They can stay married (sometimes redefining marriage) and also be happy and fulfilled.

    The hard part is figuring out which group you belong to.

    I guess a book I would recommend is Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum

    Sometimes our marriages are really good without us realizing it in all the day to day of life. Sometimes we think they're good but we're in deep denial.

    Sorry to go off on a tangent. I realize you say you are over the crisis stage but you still sound a little wistful or sad, so I am just putting my two cents in.

    To more directly answer your post, I'd say YES, it's possible it's just her as a person. There is even a name for being attracted romantically only after a strong emotional bond is formed: Demiromantic.

    But it's also possible you are gay. I think it's very possible you are at least bi, using the definition of bi as being attracted to men and women. But some people choose to call themselves straight, even though they may develop feelings for someone of their same gender. Just like some gay people choose to keep their label of gay or lesbian even though they may occasionally date opposite sex people.

    Sorry if this is more confusing than helpful. :/ I am trying to help but it is such a complex thing too, and so very personal.
     
    #11 rachael1954, Apr 25, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2016
  12. Orchidea123

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    All of you, thank you so much for all the thoughts.

    This just reflects the tip of a ginormous iceberg of everything that comes to mind for LGBT later in life and people questioning and such.
    Ok, I admit, I am so terribly confused at the moment - not anyone's fault, there are so many background thoughts that I choose to tune out.

    I am not the norm and I know it. I like to think out of the box, and feel good to be unique self. Uniqueness is good, but need to blend in. This could be a problem in the future, possibly. ( off the topic here)
    However, my nature is Not to follow the norm, even though an acquaintance would probably think that I am proper and conservative. I am a rebel.
    Without knowing what's waiting for me I am very scared because I know life's twists can get me going on my own regardless of circumstance.
    All the background thoughts and reflecting on them keeps me Very anxious..To the point where tears roll to my eyes, but I ignore this and go on, for now.

    Being in partnership, or married to a woman is so much out of my league.
    I chose life's path and don't deserve it, plus it is so far from my situation. That is a major source of my enxiety.
    So I guess yeah, I might be at least bi and it may be not just about her. It would be crazy to tie partnership to a person that I don't know well.

    Pandora's box is another source of my anxiety. I would be very afraid to even try to kiss a woman after reading some posts. And, I do feel being ungrateful for what I have, and guilty to dismiss it in my my thinking processes.
    Trapped at the same time, so much, it really hurts.

    The book you recommended - don't know if I can read it, if my hub finds out, we are done.

    If I knew then what I know now, I would never choose the path that led me to her.
     
    #12 Orchidea123, Apr 26, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2016