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Don’t know what to do anymore

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dave3030, Jun 29, 2020.

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  1. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Mind Out have an online chat service. Might be worth having a chat with them to find out if they could recommend something.
     
    #21 LostInDaydreams, Jul 1, 2020
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  2. Nickw

    Nickw
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    So. You really believe that your folks would kick you out for exerting some independence. Again, taking sexuality off the table for a bit here. Your sexuality is a side issue to your lack of freedom in general. A straight guy would suffer in your situation.

    We have a crisis going on now. The CV pandemic. Making a big move right now is daunting. But, that doesn't mean you cannot start making small moves.

    I have used this example a number of times. I am an extreme skier. I climb peaks and ski chutes. When I ski a chute, I only think about executing each turn. I do not worry about the turn down the slope. I do not fret over hooking the ski on the last turn and almost falling. With each turn I get closer to completing the run.

    Look at gaining your freedom with the smallest incremental moves you can make.
     
    #22 Nickw, Jul 1, 2020
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  3. Dave3030

    Dave3030
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    Thanks for the further responses.

    If I’m honest, I think my sexuality is a big part of my issue as ultimately the two guys who could’ve become friends to me were both gay. If they’d been straight, I probably wouldn’t be as fearful about telling my parents I’d made a friend. (Though they’d question me regardless)

    I know it all must sound crazy. If I was reading someone else’s posts and they were in my situation, I’d be thinking FFS take control of your life.

    But without moving out I know things can’t change. My current situation isn’t good for my mental health, but I’m not sure the alternative would be either.
     
    #23 Dave3030, Jul 1, 2020
  4. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    But, your parents wouldn’t know that they were gay, would they? If they would question you anyway, then the main issue is your parents controlling behaviour.

    You want freedom, right? The main barrier to that is your patents, not your sexuality. It seems that they would still be treating you this way whatever your sexuality.

    I was in a long term heterosexual relationship when I was questioning my sexuality. I got caught up in being worried about my partners reaction, my parents reaction, our neighbours reaction, etc. to my sexuality, as well our potential separation. I had so much guilt about splitting up our family and I was very concerned about all the practical issues, particularly finances. I felt suffocated and leaving felt impossible. It took me about three years to actually take the first small step towards leaving, and in all that time, I’d not noticed that my partner was abusive. He constantly belittled me, told my patents that I was unstable, ensured that I had no capacity to save money, whipped me with tea towels, and did plenty of other things, but I didn’t see it for a long time because my focus was elsewhere. Do not let your sexuality take focus away from the real issue here.

    Small steps. It might feel impossible right now, and I felt the same way for a long time, but it can be done.
     
    #24 LostInDaydreams, Jul 1, 2020
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  5. Dave3030

    Dave3030
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    Thanks for the further response.

    It sounds like you went through an awful time LostInDaydreams, and much respect to you for getting yourself out of that situation.

    But leaving isn’t an option for me, and although I can take small steps, that’s not going to change my financial situation. And until my financial situation changes, I’m stuck. Things can’t truly change whilst I live at home.

    I’ve desperately tried to find better paying work over the years, but I’ve no qualifications or references. Qualifications cost money, of which I have little. (I wouldn’t be eligible for any financial support before anyone suggests it)

    Anything I do earn, I put away, so the one positive is I might be able to move out in in around 40 years or so.
     
    #25 Dave3030, Jul 1, 2020
  6. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Do you know what you might like to do?

    I know you’ve said that you wouldn’t qualify for funding, but you can get funding for some second degrees. Or, you could do an apprenticeship, which would be low paying in the short term, but a potential route to better pay in the long term.
     
    #26 LostInDaydreams, Jul 2, 2020
  7. Dave3030

    Dave3030
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    Not sure. Given the Covid situation, it seems like it’ll be even harder to find work, including apprenticeships, over the next couple of years.

    I know from job interviews I have had that both my age and lack of work experience goes against me.

    I’d have just liked an ordinary job. Then if I made friends I could just say I knew them from work, even if I didn’t.

    Again, I know it sounds absolutely nuts that at my age I’d even have to tell my parents I’ve made a friend. But it’s my reality, and it’s just really depressing.
     
    #27 Dave3030, Jul 2, 2020
  8. Nickw

    Nickw
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    @Dave3030

    I agree with @LostInDaydreams. You don’t owe your parents an explanation of why you spend time with a friend as a 29 year old.

    Your situation is an extreme one. But, when I was 23, I had moved back into my parents house after I lost my first job after college. My folks were super Catholic and while they understood I needed my own life I knew that I was living a life under their terms. So, one day I called a university, got myself into a graduate program, and jumped in my car and drove across country without looking in the rear view mirror. I met my wife the day I landed at my new life and became engaged in a year. My folks were furious over the relationship and my total independence and we didn’t talk for a year.

    But, eventually, they came around and I was able to have a new relationship with them based on love and respect rather than control. My parents were able to grow enough to embrace my siblings when they came out to them.
    @Dave3030

    Do you have any activities that you enjoy that are outside the house?
     
    #28 Nickw, Jul 2, 2020
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  9. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    I think it will depend on the industry and how they adapt, but it will be much harder in some sectors. You could contact the National Careers Service. They have a webchat.

    Small steps. Be brave. You have to do something because it won’t change by itself.
     
    #29 LostInDaydreams, Jul 2, 2020
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  10. Dave3030

    Dave3030
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    @Nickw

    Yes, I have interests outside the house. But again with Covid they’ve been taken away, and in normal times, whatever I do, my parents will insist on tagging along.

    I know I don’t owe them an explanation if I spend time with a friend (if that situation ever arises again). But that wouldn’t stop them questioning me, and that’s why in the original example I gave it is related to my sexuality, as I fear I’d crack under the pressure of their questions.

    Obviously if I made a friend in another scenario, I might not have that pressure. But I feel making friends/acquaintances gets more difficult as life goes on.

    I don’t know, maybe having friends isn’t that important. Maybe I’m depressing myself more by hoping to find them.
     
    #30 Dave3030, Jul 2, 2020
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