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Don’t know what to do anymore

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dave3030, Jun 29, 2020.

  1. Dave3030

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    I’ve posted on here several times over the years, most recently just before lockdown.

    I’m in my late 20s and still live at home. I don’t want to post details of my job on here, but I’m on a very low income. But too high to claim Universal Credit (UK income support)

    I have no friends, and very controlling parents. I don’t like to admit that, as I feel like I’m betraying them by saying that.

    They’re extremely homophobic. Coming out and living with them isn’t an option. But due to my financial situation moving out isn’t an option either, and with the current crisis, seems even less likely.

    I’ve had a couple of guys I’ve spoken to, one who I met, who I do genuinely believe would’ve liked to be my friend, if not more.

    I’m not allowed friends, so obviously I ended up pushing them away.

    I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lonely, but I’m completely stuck.
     
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  2. Camel

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    That's a complete mess. At least make friends here. But you really need to work towards moving out.
     
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  3. Chip

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    @Martin, do you have any thoughts on this?
     
  4. Vesta

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    In terms of controlling family members, I've been in a similar situation. They would control my finances, make unreasonable demands, judge me unfairly and harshly. They were somewhat of a tyrant to live with and it had quite a negative effect on my mental health.

    Is there any possible way that you could put aside any money from your wages to a savings account? It doesn't have to be much, just £5 here and there. This way you can start to have some kind of back up fund going for the future, even if it is only small contributions at a time.

    How about any qualifications? A few years back I felt so trapped living with family I decided to sign up for university. I knew I'd have to return home sooner or later, but the 3 years I spent away actually helped me a lot, and financially. I understand that heading to university can be a huge deal because of the financial burden placed on a person later on, but if your situation is that bad, I would certainly say it's worth the risk for your own piece of mind.
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Could you keep an eye out for house shares or a spare room to rent? It might not be ideal, but at least it would give you some freedom. Anyone at work that you know or could ask?

    Would Help to Buy be an option? If you save a bit here and there, as @Vesta suggests.

    Or does your employer offer any employee welfare or hardship support? Might be worth looking into, particularly if you’re in a union. I don’t know how they decide who qualifies, but you can only ask.

    Or, and appreciate it would be an additional expense, find a solution focused therapist might be helpful in making a plan to get out of your current situation.

    Failing everything else, I would potentially make a GP appointment, as it is abuse and it must be impacting your mental health, and they might be able to refer you to a local service. Or even the National Domestic Abuse helpline, which I know is generally associate with abuse in relationships, but they might be able to advise you or signpost you to another service.
     
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  6. Dave3030

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    Thanks for the responses.

    I’ve looked into house shares, but I’m afraid they’re out of my price range.

    I feel like I’m in an impossible situation truth be told. I feel like by coming on here I’m trying to search for an answer when I know there isn’t one.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    I felt the same way about the prospect of leaving my ex, but with some support, I did leave.

    Maybe contact Mind, the mental health charity, as this sounds abusive and find out if they can refer you to any support services. Or make some enquires about social housing? You may qualify if you’re living in a controlling environment.
     
  8. Dave3030

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    I did consider applying for social housing, but I would imagine I’d be very low in terms of priority. Some waiting lists are as long as 20 years in my area apparently.

    It’s depressing because I can live with not being ‘out’, but it’d just be nice to have a friend or two that I can be myself with.
     
  9. LostInDaydreams

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    There’s nothing to lose in registering, and the sooner, the better.

    Would you be prepared to move away?

    And would it be possible to meet a friend straight from work (assuming you’re not working from home)? Or, just say you’re going shopping? Are you still in contact with anyone or could you reconnect?
     
  10. Dave3030

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    I would be prepared to move away, though I’ve an elderly relative I help care for, so not in the short to mid term.

    I do work from home. I would feel almost as scared telling my parents I had a friend as I would coming out. I realise that sounds crazy.

    In terms of being in contact with anyone, I think if I messaged the guy I did meet up with a couple of times, he would probably hang out with me. But probably only if he knew my situation had changed.
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    Your feeling scared isn’t crazy. It’s a product of the situation that you’re in.

    Could you tell your parents that you were going out for another reason? Is it easy for you to go out or do they make things difficult?
     
  12. Dave3030

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    They’re suspicious if I go out, even more so now with the Covid situation.

    If I suddenly had a friend, particularly a male one I had met online, they would be very suspicious.

    To get out the house, I’ve tried to get into volunteering, but it’s surprisingly difficult to do so. Again, probably even more so now.

    But it’s just so frustrating that I have had these chances to make friends and I’ve lost them. Due to the life I’ve had, there’s very few people have wanted to be my friend.
     
  13. LostInDaydreams

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    Volunteering would be good. Keep an eye out for opportunities.

    Try not to get caught up in past regrets. Try to focus on the future and what small steps you can take to make things better.

    Could you take up a sport? Or do you have any other hobbies? I know a lot of things have stopped, but they are slowly opening up now. A running club or similar? Something outdoors.
     
    #13 LostInDaydreams, Jun 30, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2020
  14. Vesta

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    Since you work, is there any possibility of discussing your situation with a co-worker or perhaps your supervisor/manager?

    If I may ask, is there any particular reason why your parents are controlling? Sometimes starting from the root of the problem is always the best way to find a solution.
     
  15. Dave3030

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    I’m honestly not sure. Fear of being alone maybe.
     
  16. Nickw

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    Hey @Dave3030

    We chatted before. I'm going to come back to something that I think I mentioned earlier. So much of your post is about this guy you met or that you would have trouble meeting people. What is not so clear is what YOU want that has nothing to do with other people. What is it that makes YOU happy. If you could do anything in the world tomorrow (beside meeting a hot guy) what would that be?

    The reason I am asking is that your life needs to be what you want it to be. It is not what your parents want. It is not what a future boyfriend wants. A number of other posters have mentioned getting out more. And, it sounds like you've done some of that. But, have you tried taking an hour EVERY night or lunch time or what ever works and go for a walk or a cycle or some sort of activity that gets you out of the house? You have to do it every day. Then, try an evening out. Go listen to music or the library. Hang out in a park.

    Pre-covid I would tell you to begin to engage anybody you can. A simple hello and a chat over the weather. Whatever. Begin to work on being comfortable around other people. That's how you make friends. I feel you might be putting too much responsibility on your future friends. "Due to the life I've had very few people want to be my friend". This sets up a litmus tests for friends and that makes it more difficult.

    This was also mentioned in the past. Let's say you did meet a guy and have a relationship. What would your parents do? Is whatever they might do worse than the current situation?
     
  17. NotTooLoud

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    OMG, Nickw is right! Find your own path, bro. Move to the U.S., where anybody can be anything they want to be in certain states at least, and for sure, in those states like Washington or California. You will find happiness, bro., it just takes time. You have realized you are gay and you are okay with it. For some of us, this has taken a lifetime, now a lifetime of regret, and we have so little time left. Please don't do what we did!

    I am not you, but it sounds like you may be an only child or a last child, so your parents, no matter how overprotective and overpowering, value you and what you think of them. Use this to your advantage, turn the tables on them. Tell them (this even hurts me to say) that if they want a relationship with you AS AN ADULT that they will need to accept you as you are, as you define yourself, and not has they have told you you will be.
     
  18. Dave3030

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    Thanks for the further responses.

    In that scenario, which would mean coming out, I believe my dad would stop talking to me, and I believe they would both want the relationship to fail. (I think they’d go into a state extreme denial too)

    Their homophobia is on another level. I’m sure everyone on here has encountered homophobia from family/friends etc, and I’m not trying to compare or say my experience is worse. But I’m intelligent enough to realise they really are at the extreme end of the homophobic scale.

    Every time there is a gay person on the TV, which is most days, there will always be a comment from my dad. I guess it used to hurt, now I just feel numb when I hear him saying things. It just reaffirms how difficult coming out would be.

    Even if I had a friend, forgetting everything else, they’d want and expect that friendship to fail too, and I guess I don’t want that to happen and then to be ‘right’.
     
  19. Nickw

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    @Dave3030

    Let’s take sexuality completely off the table for a bit. You MUST distance yourself from your parents. No one your age should be in a situation where your actions are dictated by your parents.

    You MUST make an effort to gain freedom. You have to do it every day. Tell your folks you are going out and do it. No explanations needed. Take over your life.

    You are in an abusive relationship. You need to leave it.
     
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  20. Dave3030

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    Unfortunately, unless I win the lottery, that’s impossible.

    I’ve looked into social housing today, and it seems highly unlikely I’d even be accepted on to the list.