So I have made a few posts here before but I am just still stuck. I am 31 and had thought of myself as straight until like 6 years ago. Lately, I have thought of myself as bisexual but even that still does not satisfy me. It did for a few days though more then calling myself gay did. But I do not even know now. I have NEVER been with an actual woman besides in a strip club but I was really drunk and getting over an online relationship so I don't even really know if I truly enjoyed it or if I got turned on. I have had 3 or 4 online involvements though but they all ended with the girl just moving on from me and causing heartbreak. I do believe I have a problem with porn and testing myself. STILL. I watched girl on girl action last night two or three times and I got nothing. But, of course I loaded up two men making love and it got up quite quickly. A couple of nights ago I watched another video as well of two men and I got very turned on. I almost got an orgasm without even touching myself and my body was violently shaking in excitement. Now, I know that should be my answer right there but I am just not satisfied. I am trying to look into my past and find ANYTHING. But I feel like nothing ever helps and the cycle just continues. I did have an experience with two of my friends at different times when I was 15 or 16. My first friend I think I enjoyed. When he always came over I would get so excited hoping we would do something. My body would just shake in excitement. But then, eventually we stopped. Then another friend who is actually bi to this day would try stuff with me and I just was not feeling it anymore. I just do not know what is going on with me anymore. This cycle is beginning to drive me to thoughts of suicide sometimes. And I am hooked on the drug Kratom. I just feel like I have been living a lie forever now. When I think of myself in a relationship with a woman it feels kind of weird. With a guy? I am still not too sure yet. My self-esteem is just completely destroyed and it always has been. In real life, it feels like the whole attraction to men is not there. But since accepting myself as bisexual I am trying to look at men. I sometimes wonder if all the failure with women is what has made women a turn off. Or have I really just been suppressing myself? Am I really deep in the closet or something?
No expert here but I am not sure you can make an intelligent decision on questioning your sexuality without experience with women or at least it would seem. Straight would assume you prefer women but based on your post it’s seems not. Perhaps you should look at you sexual attractions from your 31 year old eyes with that experience and not based on what happened in your teens. We are all somewhat crazy in those heady teen years. Relax a bit, take a breath as you have plenty of time to sort out your feelings. Perhaps if you engage with a real woman you might like it or perhaps not. The same would go for a guy. There is no sin in experimenting with your sexuality as long as your honest with yourself and anyone you are seeing. Cut yourself some slack these issues can be challenging and stressful but there is always a healthy path forward. We are here for you as most of us struggled with these issues at one time or another.
Thank you for your answer. Yes, I know I need an experience with a woman. The problem is I am not a very confident person at all and I am VERY shy when it comes to women I do not know. And I do not feel like paying for an escort either. And from all the times I have been played with by women over online relationships has left me feeling jaded over them. I know not all women are like that and I need to get over it but it's tough for me with my self-esteem already being at the very bottom. Maybe I need therapy I guess. But I feel I would still not change. I just feel like I am meant to be stuck in this cycle until I just give up. I just do not feel like a person who can be loved. I just feel like nothing is ever going to get better for me. I hate to be woe is me and I know I need to fix it.
You do not need experience with a woman (or a man, for that matter) to know your sexual orientation. There are an enormous number of straight men who have never done anything with a guy; they didn't need to do that to know they were gay. And plenty of other straight and gay people who knew without question what sex they were attracted to without actually hooking up with someone. It can be a nice confirmation, but really is pretty superfluous. I am concerned about the combination of things you're describing here. Somewhat intrusive/obsessive thoughts plus a dependency on kratom. (Kratom excites the same receptors as opiates do and, while not quite as addictive, is nonetheless absolutely a drug of abuse, and this indicates a problem.) From what you describe, it does not sound like there's much doubt. You have no attraction to women, and very strong attraction to men. Porn isn't a reliable indicator, but when you're describing strong reactions like that, I would suspect that masturbating without porn, and fantasizing about men in one session vs women in the other would give you the same result. The only thing that I can't make sense of is this: What are you trying to find? Also, it sounds like there may be some underlying anxiety, which the kratom is probalby self-medication for. The anxiety itself usually points to family-of-origin issues that are causal to it. So you're probably going to need therapy, and potentially some help with the addiction.
Yes, I can admit the Kratom with my OCD has become quite a problem. My use has skyrocketed since I got hooked on it over a year ago. And I have given up on the porn a few days ago so I can give my mind time to "reset" as I have read. And then I will try the fantasizing thing. And when it comes to looking into my past, I don't know, I guess truly look to see who I have liked. All my crushes have been on women in real life but I think now I can admit to myself I used to find some guys in video games cute as well growing up, but not much. I do think therapy sounds like a good idea for sure soon. I need to get out of this 6 year cycle. It has caused me so much mental distress for no reason. And try and quit the Kratom as well. Thank you for the help!
