I am so torn up inside. Every night all night I dream of being with women, sexually, emotionally, parenting all of it. Yet in my waking life I am married to a wonderful man who adores me, have 3 kids a house the whole deal. Last night we were all snuggled up together and such joy washed over me and I realized this is all I've ever wanted. A beautiful family, a beautiful home, we have amazing friends. Why am I trying to sabotage it? If I get divorced I will be broke, in mountains of debt, no job, no home, alone and on the street. Why the hell would I give all of this up, ruin my children's lives, break his heart, and destroy my life? For the chance? Chance of what? I have not dated in over 10 years. How would I even find love again. Sorry for the ranting. I feel so upset. I wish so badly I could turn these feelings off and just enjoy my wonderful life.