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Does coming out make me a liar?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by renard, Nov 13, 2016.

  1. renard

    renard Guest

    So, I'm sure this is a common worry, but please humor me.

    I know my immediate family and my closest friends would all be super supportive if I came out to them. A few of my closest friends are gay, in fact, so I don't even have to assume everyone would be supportive; I actually know.

    To me, though, it feels weird being past my college years and now suddenly telling everyone I like guys. I suppose I'm a little ashamed of lying to myself for so long, too, but I guess I just don't want the people I care about to think we're not close or that I don't feel safe coming to them with my problems. I don't want anyone to think our friendship is disingenuous because I kept this locked away for so long.

    Anyone have similar feelings? Or maybe advice on coming out, if you felt the same way?

    p.s. I was visiting my best friend the other weekend (we live in different cities now); he's gay, and he made an offhand joke to someone that I was "mostly straight" and gave me kind of a sly look. Do you think he can tell? I'm thinking of coming out to him first.
     
  2. faustian1

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    Yes, he can tell.

    And regarding your thread title question, I guess--sure--it does make you a liar. But only if you accept today's assumption that you deserve no privacy and there should be no boundaries between any of us. With facebook and social media, people have become conditioned to the assumption that they have the right to stalk and know everything about others. They don't, and it's your choice what to tell people.

    The shortest answer I can give is this: It is not a lie to keep something private. Saying nothing is not the same as actively misleading someone. There also is a limit on what a person has the right to presume to know about another person. I know it's old-fashioned. Humor me. There will become a time with the tech companies facilitating this will become about as popular as chemical companies dumping waste in New Jersey's rivers. They out people to repressive governments, for the sale of profits.

    As far as your friend goes, he's inviting you to tell him. Might as well be him first. It's pretty obvious he'd be a good choice to practice on. If anyone should understand the trepidation that one can have about telling, it's someone who's gay.
     
    #2 faustian1, Nov 13, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2016
  3. falconfalcon

    falconfalcon Guest

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    Yes, he can tell.


    And i came out late. When I tell people i have like a F****** disclaimer



    maybe just say - there's something you couldn't admit to yourself, let alone anyone else

    You might also say "i think some people knew before i did"

    something anything like that - so that they understand your honesty / intimacy problem is with yourself, and not them

    This happens alot :slight_smile: no big deal :slight_smile:


    t/c :slight_smile:

    p.s. you can also say "there is something i've been lying to myself about and i'm really upset its been going on for this long". you can tell them anything, everything :slight_smile:
     
  4. findingjoy

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    I can relate. Sometimes when I imagine telling close friends I am gay, it is not the shame of being gay, its the shame of having deceived them. "wait if you're gay why did you date so and so for so long"?


    yes he can tell and tell him first!
     
  5. I'm gay

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    Each of us on the LGBT spectrum comes to acceptance and desire to be open and honest with others in our own way in and in our own time. There's no preset timetable, and no one has any "right to know" about your sexuality, family or no.

    The longer you wait, though, the more this will bother you.

    Yes, I think your friend knows. He's the perfect person for you to come out to.

    Good luck!! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  6. Romancer

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    Hey! Coming out does not MAKE you a liar, coming out is when you STOP being a liar.
     
  7. RavenTheRat

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    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    Basically, this.

    Btw, your friend has one hell of a gaydar :lol: Pretty sure he can tell :icon_bigg