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Does anyone else have this type of personal policy?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by youknow201, Aug 12, 2018.

  1. youknow201

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    So a few years back I fell pretty hard for a straight guy, it caused issues and to make a long story short I developed a policy to not be friends with or have relationships of any kind with guys I find attractive that are straight. I call it guarding your heart. I know its sort of messed up but I'm not going through what I went through ever again. All of my close friends are straight males and I have zero physical or romantic attraction to them whatsoever, they are like brothers. So I don't really need anymore friends, but I think sometimes it makes me look like an asshole because I tend to avoid eye contact and generally ignore them whenever possible lol. I know its messed up but my past situation really was something I'm not trying to relive. Anybody else do anything like this?
     
  2. Destin

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    Not at all - I do agree it's hard to separate the attraction from the friendship and I've been guilty of accidentally starting to snuggle a straight friend without realizing it a few times...but I'd never just not be friends with them because they look good. I mean, if anything it's nice to have them around to look at.
     
  3. Chierro

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    Not really. I mean, I get where you're coming from, it's just not something I would do. I have plenty of straight guy friends I find attractive. I just recognize that physical attraction and crushes are two different things. Crushes mess with my head. Whereas, I felt completely comfortable telling one of my straight friends that I was extremely jealous of his body and would kill to look like him. Which acknowledges that I look at how he looks shirtless and I find him attractive. He even knows I used to crush on him. He's still my closest friend from high school though.

    To each his own, though. I do somewhat understand your policy.
     
  4. youknow201

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    Yea I don't want that, If it looks good and I can't have it why have it around. Especially since whenever hes around thats all I'm thinking about. Its unnecessary torture, But thats just me
     
  5. Destin

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    I get that, and it completely makes sense. I've realized not everything is what it seems though as far as not being able to have it - one of those accidental snuggles led to discovering a friend isn't actually straight because he snuggled back also without realizing it. That was an awkward moment for us both.
     
  6. youknow201

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    Yea I can see that being akward, but sort of cool to. Did anything happen between you to? I think for me the distinction between friend and romantic partner is very clear your one or the other. If your one of my boys I'm never going to be snuggling up to you even if your into guys lol. I just don't see them that way even when were drunk it would never happen. But if I see a guy and I'm like damm, I need to steer clear. I don't like making a fool of myself
     
  7. Destin

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    Yea I basically have no self-control so we slept together after that and still have the occasional hookup. I wouldn't recommend it since there's a huge chance of it harming the friendship in a lot of cases like that, but our friendship is still good fortunately. There's not much distinction between types of affection to me - if I care about them as a friend I can care about them as more than that too. To be fair there was alcohol involved with the snuggling so it wasn't exactly a conscious choice.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    No, I don't. Instead of limiting my capacity for friendship with attractive men, I'd be more inclined to examine and work on my own boundary issues. Creating a limiting personal policy to address a more fundamental problem isn't really healthy.
     
  9. Devil Dave

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    If a straight man wants to be friends with me, then I'm not going to turn him away just because he's good looking and likes women. If anything, that makes me look like a heterophobic asshole, and as a gay man living in a mostly straight environment, that's the last vibe I want to give across.

    And my straight male friends have proven to be far more valuable to me than most gay men I've had contact with. Gay men who I've become acquainted with tend to be superficial, rude and outright ignorant. I find it too much hard work to be friends with my own kind. But my straight friends have been loyal, kind and compassionate towards me, and they make me feel safe and welcome. These feelings outweigh any of my sexual or romantic desires towards them.
     
  10. youknow201

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    I have actually never had a gay male friend. My entire inner circle are straight men, who I have the utmost respect for and are my brothers so I wouldn't say that choosing to set up boundaries you don't want a "friendship" with is heterophobic. And is that even a thing?
     
  11. Devil Dave

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    I wrote a thread last year asking the same question. People have used the term heterophobia in different ways. I personally use it if someone shows a negative attitude towards being friends with straight people. E.g. If a straight man doesn't want to get to know me because he's worried that I might fancy him (which is kind of homophobic, in my opinion), then me rejecting a straight man's friendship because I'm worried I might fancy him doesn't make me much better than a homophobe.

    One of my straight male friends is absolutely gorgeous. When I first met him, I think I was blushing. But as I got to know him, I got over his physical appearance and came to appreciate him as a person. He gives me lifts in his car, meets up with me when I'm in town to help me stretch out my time off work, came to visit me for my birthday even though he had a lot of other stuff going on, and he's even let me stay the night at his home. Friendship like that is quite rare for me, and I'd hate to think I missed out on all the good times I've had with him because I wanted to "Guard my heart" (which has been broken by a few gay men)

    I didn't mean to insult you, you're entitled to pick and choose your friendships, I just have a different approach to the situation.