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Does anyone build up a relationship in their head?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Met a woman, online, couple of weeks ago. Now, she's not my type at all, I mean she's cute and in good shape, but just not the type of woman I'm attracted to.

    It's good practice for me to correspond with women, online; gets me to dip my toe in the water, but I notice I build them up in my own head. I'm more attracted to the possibility, than the reality. At one point I even thought about politely declining this woman and moving on, because she wasn't my type.

    Fast-forward to me sticking around to try and our conversations going so well, we agree to meeting up. She sent me some pics of her, including her breasts, but I couldn't do the same, so I sent one of my cleavage. LOL. She does say I play hot-and-cold and can sense that this scares me (I haven't been w/a woman and she has).

    We got into a little tiff over the weekend, apologized to each other and agreed to move forward, but after, it didn't feel the same and hasn't. When I'm left unsure over someone, I feel anxious and scared. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship I have, if I don't know where I stand, I hate it.
    I reached out to her today to ask if she'd still be interested in meeting up, but that if I didn't hear back from her, I would understand (after our "fight"). The possibility of rejection is something I hate. Waiting on email that may never come. I refresh my phone a lot. I hate it. I have yet to hear back from her.

    I posted on another site, more of one geared towards a friendship and rec'd some responses, but the last one sent me back to reality:

    Why are you so upset about the apparent demise of a relationship w/a woman you haven't even met yet? The odds are you would have met her in real life and not even liked her. ​


    This person then advises me to get back to life or else drive myself crazy pontificating over it. He reminded me I hadn't factored in the part that I have yet to meet this women IRL.

    And that's helped me not only with this instance, but realize I do this in general. I put all relationships on a pedestal, like it's a shiny piece of gold in the middle of a barren desert.

    I've done this before, even with men, but it's totally amplified with women.

    Does anyone else do this? Romanticize the POSSIBILITY of relationships? I've idealized people who were poor for me. It's so tough when you're doing that, to know that you're doing it. I'm glad that guy was straight up and mentioned it to me.

    And even though I know I'm doing it now, it's so easy to fall back into that pattern. It's so difficult to see your own behavior.
     
    #1 caliwoman, Jul 7, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2016
  2. RosePetals76

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    I believe I am guilty of this in some ways. I get so excited by the idea of having someone, that losing that idea even feels like a loss. I also know that I often let myself fall hard for women, like way too hard, when they don't have reciprocal feelings for me. Then I have trouble letting my feelings go.
     
  3. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Right? This feels like a loss to me because we got along so well, even though she wasn't my type, physically. Geez, I don't know where that comes from because I even thought about walking away from the her. And I do this in a short amount of time of knowing the person.

    Rose, do you consistently pick unavailable women?
     
    #3 caliwoman, Jul 7, 2016
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  4. RosePetals76

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    Yes, I do. And I fall madly for them, then end up heart broken.
     
  5. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Have you gone to therapy over this? I'm told that we do something like this, we pick safe women that will always reject us because really, we're too scared. Or it could be an "attachment issue/trauma" from childhood that we pick-up.

    Even as adults, our subconcious scans for situations we can engage in, in order to replay our childhoods so that we may rectify them. Sadly, we usually pick the same people over and over again. We search for unavailable people, just like in childhood, and that's the paradox. We can never solve those old scenarios with those people, because they are unavailable. Sucks, I know.

    Andddd it's been a few hours and she hasn't responded, when she usually responds in minutes. Ugh. I love to get rejected. It's awesome. :thumbsup:
     
  6. A Mindful Wolf

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    I hate this form of rejection more than any ;___;. It kinda humiliates me...
     
  7. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Right?! And she's the one who said she wanted to continue communication. I'm completely at a loss...
     
  8. BrookeVL

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    Cali, I'm starting to think I may just be the male version of you.....
     
  9. RosePetals76

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    No, I haven't been to therapy. The ones I fall madly for are ones who present themselves as available, but then reveal later they aren't.
     
  10. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Hahahahahaha!! Cluster, you're my soul-brother, lol. We get each other so well!! :lol:

    ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2016 at 03:10 PM ----------

    Hmmm...wonder why you're attracting people like that to you.
     
  11. Really

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    Maybe she's been in a car accident.
    Or in a meeting with her boss that she can't leave.
    Or helping someone who can't be left alone.
    Or mulling over what she wants to say.
    Or at the beach with her phone off.
    Or is the type of person who says communication is important but is actually no good at it.

    You just can't know.

    Try not to conclude anything from the silence. If she never gets back to you then use it at a learning experience and let it go. It wasn't meant to be. If she can't muster the common courtesy to reply with an "I don't think we're suited to each other but thanks for reaching out.", then she isn't worth it.
     
  12. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Really,

    Yes, thank you. Waiting for an email is akin to and as crazy-making as watching paint dry. Also confused because it feels very different now.
     
  13. RosePetals76

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    "Hmmm...wonder why you're attracting people like that to you."

    I think it's because I come off very motherly and they think I'll take care of them. Could be wrong, though.
     
  14. BrookeVL

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    We totally get each other, soul sista!

    Edit: I now have that Train song stuck in my head.... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #14 BrookeVL, Jul 7, 2016
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  15. Devil Dave

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    Yes I do build up a relationship in my head, but it's only happened with men I've met in real life (usually straight men who I don't have a chance with any way) and not online.

    I seem to be quite smart with my online acquaintances because I don't give myself a lot of expectations. If they live far away, then I don't consider them any thing more than someone to occasionally exchange messages with. If it is someone more local and we do plan to meet up, I just stay open to whatever may happen (they might not be as attractive as I thought or we just might not have much in common so it doesn't go beyond having a coffee and a walk)

    but with people I meet in real life, I find myself becoming fascinated by them and wanting to know more and I picture us getting closer. If I learn something unexpected about them, then the fantasy that i have about them changes and actually starts to become more realistic in my mind because I feel like I'm falling for the person rather than the idea of the person. It's fricking crazy and drives me nuts. Why can't i experience this with someone I've met online with the intention of finding a partner or close friend?

    Maybe that's another reason why I get carried away with these fantasies - because I've met the real life person in a social or mundane situation, and it's unexpected and pleasant and feels like life has sent someone to make me happy, and for me to make happy. But with online acquaintances it feels awkward and forced. Like we're both people who haven't found someone so we should just meet up and give it a go. It feels like we're the two rejects that weren't wanted on any one's team. I can't get any romantic feelings from that.

    It sucks. :icon_sad:
     
  16. LostInDaydreams

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    I think I sort of do this too, but like Nice Dave, it's only happened with people I've known in real life, and have at some point been in fairly regular contact with.

    Like others, I picture a relationship playing out in my mind, and then have to remind myself that I've made it all up, which makes me feel sad. I keep telling myself that I have to stop doing it!
     
  17. brainwashed

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    Oh man this resonates. The "replay our childhoods so that we may rectify them" opens up the wound and sprinkles salt in it.

    Only on post 5. Got to read on....... Thanks ladies.

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 07:21 AM ----------


     
    #17 brainwashed, Jul 9, 2016
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  18. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    She didn't respond.

    See, that's weird to me. I genuinely don't get that. She's the one who asked if I would like to continue, she's the one who said that she wanted to get past this. She's the one who just the night before, said she was very glad to hear from me, later saying "goodnight", and even sent me pics of her work (she's a photographer).

    I'm sooooo new to this, I feel like I'm on another planet. These are all good things to learn now, though. I'm actually glad I had this experience.
     
  19. brainwashed

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    caliwomen, oh by the way I love that handle, I really think you have the SAME DAMN SITUATION (problem) as me. I read into peoples behavior, responses and because of unknown forces, let them control me through my response.

    Unknown forces can be hurt, shame, loneliness, want, desire, on and on.

    And you no what, they generally win, and it pisses me off at me. Ahhhh how to "turn this behavior off".

    FYI there are some people out there who love to tease. In my late teens I had a girlfriend this way. Always suggesting sex then denying when we started to undress. Like WTF. (in hindsight she could have been teasing or hurt inside and unable to have sex.)
     
    #19 brainwashed, Jul 9, 2016
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  20. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Brainwashed,

    Yes, she hinted she liked to tease. I'm brutally honest and have been married too dang long to play any games and I also fill my life with people of that same nature, so when I come across someone who is different, I really stare at them like they are a quantum physics problem...I sincerely do not get it. It's like I'm baffled or dumbstruck when someone doesn't follow through with what they say.

    And when I perceive someone to reject me, it's like they are in my face saying, "You're no good. I never wanted you. I reject your existence." It's that deep-rooted in me.

    I was bummed out for a day about this, but once over it, I look at it in befuddlement. Like as a very analytical observer, trying to ascertain the answer to a problem they don't even begin to understand.

    I think these experiences are really going to help me open myself up to a myriad of different people, but I really do have to protect myself going forward.

    Your story of that chick teasing you would boggle my mind. I guess people have their reasons, which may even be unconscious to them.


     
    #20 caliwoman, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016