I hope I am able to explain this properly. Sometimes I feel a disconnect between my life and my identity. Between who I want to be and who I am. I'm experiencing life but I don't fully connected to how I outwardly express myself. For instance, my clothes- I let them get worn and stretched out. If Marie Kondo asked me about what clothes bring me joy, I would worry that I might end up getting rid of most of them. Admittedly I hoard things to some extent, even though I don't care for them. I worry about having a depressive episode where I question my self-worth and I guess my belongings are essentially proof to me that I do have an identity, helping me feel less lost and hopeless. Deep down I know it probably shouldn't be like this. Hanging on to things that bring me bad memories because without them I don't know who I even am. But it's comfortable and anchors me when I feel like I have nothing. I feel as though I am not allowed to do things that I should be able to do. My inner critics can be deafening. As a result, I feel as though I am stuck in a constant state and I worry about being boring. That I am just a mind in an only somewhat related body. I often want a change but don't know what I want to change. Rather it's just this vague nagging feeling and I hate that it's so vague. The inner critics tell me that I am plain. I am not interesting enough. That I should stop bothering people. Don't step out of the line. That I'll never live life fully like others do. I sometimes wish I could start again. That I lack an identity. Frankly I've felt like this for a while. Even back when I was sixteen and now I'm almost twenty one. It's a lack of authenticity without knowing what would be authentic to me. How I would feel the most myself. I feel like a fake to some extent. Does any of this make sense? Can you relate?
I feel the same way, really. I never thought anyone else would be able to so perfectly describe how I am living my life. I would give you advice on how to fix your situation, but I have nothing because I don't even know how to fix it for myself. I'm sorry I can't help you, but I'm glad I've found someone who's experiencing the same thing as me. I don't feel so alone in the world anymore.
You say you sometimes wish you could start again, but you can. Everyday you wake up is a new opportunity for you to start again, do different and turn into the person you want to be. Like you have noticed, you are your absolute biggest critic, most people around you don't think the things you think about yourself even if it may seem hard to believe, but here is to bring you some perspective: How many times do you look at someone and think , '' they are ugly/boring/ awfully plain/ unworthy'' etc...? I bet, not very often, and I bet only in specific context. Well that's most people for you. The same way you don't go around thinking about how plain/boring/unworthy other people are, most people aren't walking around looking at you and thinking those things either. The only one having a limited opinion of yourself is you, the only one limiting yourself is you. And the same way you have the power to keep your spot in the ''plain/boring/whatever else'' box you have built for yourself, you also have it to torn down that box and build a better/bigger/more positive one if you really want to. We say ''comparison is the thief of joy'' because you go out and you see a glimpse of someone's life and you automatically think they have it better than you because what you saw in this 5 minutes glimpse seemed infinitely better than what you have but it's not true. We all have our issues, our mental health problems, our traumas and hardships to work through and we are all just doing the best we can, or well trying to. I used to be like you, so can definitely relate, but if you saw me now (oddly confident, traveling the world, with an ease for meeting people and talking to girls) you would assume we are completely different and have very little or nothing in common. But it couldn't be further from the truth. It wasn't that long ago that I was chronically depressed, hating myself and my life and thinking I was unworthy of everything and that life was some sort of cruel joke, I had to deal with so much trauma and mental health issues and while it may not be visible at first sight nowadays, it's still very much true and real. And when you make an assumption about people's lives based on what you see of them and compare it to your own you are being unfair to you but also to that other person as you are assuming they have it easier and don't ever feel like you do. I have a lesbian friend who likes to make snide comments about my life and how easy I have it, comparing the aspect of my life she sees as great but totally dismissing what I had to go through to get there. I find it highly irritating (not her, just the act of comparison) because if we were to compare life she 100 percent had it easier than me, almost zero trauma, nice upbringing etc, etc... but instead of focusing on the positive aspect of her life she hold on to the negatives of her life, not realizing that if she wants to get different results, it's not about luck, it's about having a different attitude and approaching things differently. So my question to you: Who do you want to be? What would you like to do that you don't yet and why? And what are you doing to change this? I don't think it's bad to hold on to bad things that have happened to us but it becomes a problem when it keeps you stagnant instead of being used as growth experience. I hold onto the past a lot, a lot of my trauma is what has made me the person I am, and I hold on to it in that way, but I don't let it define me anymore. Right now the lockdown is a hard place for me because it has brought me back to those years you are defining and I am feeling like I am once again letting life pass me by, though this time not by choice, and it kills me a little bit inside because I feel depression has already stolen too many years of my life. So again, it isn't too late to change, to be the person you want to be. If you aren't today, tomorrow is another chance. I used to watch lesbian series/shows and look at confident lesbians grabbing opportunities (and girls! Ah! ) with envy, with the ironeous knowledge that it would never be my life and wishing I had been born different, more confident or well just...less me. And well, turns out I can be that girl after all, in fact I am, and much to my dismay I am still the same old person I was a couple of years back, just with a different attitude and approach to lie. I often think about ''old me'' and what she thought of herself and I wish I could travel back in time grab her by the hand and let her see a glimpse of 2019 or even 2020 and show her that all the negative things she thought of herself, all the things she thought she wouldn't do or wouldn't be capable to do are in fact things she now does naturally. And you'll see, one day it will be you too, you will (if you make it your goal) become the girl you want to be and you will look back at 20 yo you and you will smile in acknowledgment that once upon a time the person you are would have seem an unreachable dream and it will be one of the best thing you will experience. But until then you need to answer just this one question: What are you gonna do to get there? Once you answer this and go through with it, the world is your oyster.
Thanks you for sharing your stories guys, it meant alot for me as I can relate. Im new to the site and was weary about posting because I didnt know what to expect. This was the first post I read, I feel more comfortable now knowing there are genuine stories and people trying to honestly help and relate. I dont feel so alone anymore. Thank you again
@Linning Thank you for your post. I think you brought up some good points in your response. Admittedly I have a tendency to assume that other people are automatically more skilled than me (regardless of if they are or not) or have more of a right to take part than I do. It's something that I haven't fully shaken from my childhood. So, I agree that comparison truly can be the thief of joy. Recently I have come to a realisation; a lack of praise does not necessarily equal disappointment or failure. Personally, I can struggle to motivate myself if I don't have someone there to encourage me. I often crave praise from others. When someone offers criticism and doesn't say anything positive; I tend to assume that they must've hated everything about it. This leads me to think that I'm bad at what I'm doing, so I procrastinate on it and get angry at myself. I think that they hardest thing I've had to unlearn is that my work does not determine my self worth. Failing at a task does not mean that I've failed as a person. I keep reminding myself of this yet I fall into bad habits because I still haven't shaken that misconception fully. I want to be comfortable with myself to the point where my confidence isn't always seesawing near constantly. To the point where such questions don't make me squirm and want to do something else instead of answering them. I want to be able to give myself direction, and know that I'm doing OK without always seeking reassurance from others. -- @Kwp Welcome to EC.
