I was watching a clip of Love, Simon on YouTube and it really spoke to me. This sparks my question - do parents feel guilty after their child has came out? Do they feel as if that they hadn't supported their child enough or feel bad for making homophobic "jokes".
Absolutely. I think a lot of time it's where a good portion of the resistance come's out--the feeling that it means there was something wrong with their parenting. As far as the more specific feeling bad about homophobic jokes and the like, this happened with my Father. About a week before I came out my parents had taken me to buy a new winter coat. There was a gay couple in front of us in line. This was not a usual thing to see in the early nineties in Utah and my Father made a comment. It was not particularly kind but it wasn't hateful or particularly venomous and I honestly don't really remember it and didn't even think that much of it at the time. Then about a week later I came out and it was hard for my parents but they love me and they rallied. And then about a week after that my Father came to me practically in tears. Apparently he had agonized over it for a week and hoped I could forgive him, because it killed him to think when I heard things like that that I would think he was alright with it or worse that he would agree. It's easy to have issues with people in the abstract, it's a lot different when it's people you know and care about. Most of the people I knew when I came out had never even met anyone who was openly gay and yet just about everyone rallied, because it wasn't "gay people" any more. It was me--and I'm pretty awesome.
In all honesty, as bad as this sounds, I'll be glad if my dad feels guilty for anything he has said. I'm pleased to hear about your experience, as it sounds similar to mine. Just hope my dad turns it around as well. Also, if you have been in the closet and hidden it for a long time, does that provoke guilt on behalf of the parents?
I believe all parents go through stages of self guilt, anger, disappointment, and regret after their child comes out to them. Parents have preconceived notions of their child's adult future, college-great job-marriage-children they can spoil etc. that are dashed in an instant and somewhat unfairly when the kid says "Mom, Dad, I'm gay,,," As time passes and they find their child realizing many or all the things they had hoped for regardless of their sexual orientation then much of the natural tendency towards negativity passes as well. SOMETIMES, god forbid, they even come to love and accept their child's partner as well
I think that parents often do feel guilt, but they aren't able to square the pain they've caused you with their perceptions of themselves. Thus LGBT+ folks get denial, defensiveness, excuses, selective memory, etc. I think that in some cases, we just have to let go of the hope that they'll apologize or consciously face their mistakes, and acknowledge that they're imperfect humans.
