Hi guys! I have been identifying as a gay girl/lesbian for two years+. I confessed my love to a straight girl (obviously didn't go that well) a year ago but I never had sexual feelings concerning her. I wanted to do all the cute squishy girlfriend things with her, but I never thought about sex, kissing yes, but since I was unkissed at that point I didn't care to much. Later I had my first kiss with a girl at a party. She wasn't my type and I wasn't that attracted to her but the kiss was pretty romantic and pretty hot.. I didn't really know what I was doing though while we were kissing. It felt somewhat awkward.. but i can't tell if that's the way all people feel about their first kiss. I am generally very insecure about my sexual identity (I am only certain that I'm not into guys) and I am mostly upset about being "put into a new category of human beings": lesbians. And all the stereotypes and expectations that come with that label which is why I prefer calling myself gay. I am upset that people can't seem to understand that I am just someone who likes girls. I am not that different. My brother (who doesn't know that I'm gay) categorises all LGBT people under one idea, one that he doesn't hate, but also doesn't wish to be around. We are really close but I feel like my secret is also really dragging my relationship to him down. I keep feeling like someone in disguise, a liar and all in all it hurts so much to discuss homosexuality and equal marriage (which is not legal where I live) with him because while he would grant gay people the same rights he refuses to acknowledge them as "the same". Sorry for rambling. I just have nobody to trust with this.. my friends, who know, feel seemingly uncomfortable or just can't understand what I am trying to tell them and I hope someone here can. The main point of my thread was supposed to be about my lack of sexual attraction to girls (although I do masturbate). I wonder if I am asexual? But like, I would like to have sex, but it's just that I feel like it would take me a very long time to want to have sex with a girl? And as a teenager I am just confused whether that's normal (especially since my straight friends are quite promiscuous)... Thank you in advance and sorry again for getting off-topic!
It is possible that you are demi-sexual, which mean that you would need a strong romantic attraction with someone to want to have sex with them. If you can picture yourself having a girlfriend but can't imagine yourself with a man I would say you fit under the lesbian label. I don't believe lesbians need to be sexually active to be gay. Regarding your brother I think I would come out to him. It's possible he doesn't see gay the same because he doesn't know anyone one who is. You two are close and I am pretty sure he would be mortified to know he said the things he said in front of you. People are often much more supportive when they know someone in the situation, especially if that someone is a person they are close to. My best friend was anti-lesbian and one of my brother still struggle with the concept of homosexuality (he is very young though) but they've both changed drastically and are extremely supportive ( my best friend is quite an LGBT right advocate now ). If he already is supportive a gay marriage, chances is he will be supportive of you.
I think you're fine to identify as lesbian. You want to date girls, kissing one was "hot", etc. Age can be a factor, it's still in the realm of normal sexual development to come fully into your sexuality at 17. From what I've read most people need some level of trust/bond with another to want sex, and that's a good thing. There are just some of us who need that even more so and there's nothing wrong with that. Sex can be about hot chicks or hot kisses, but it can be about connecting with someone on a deeper level emotionally in a pleasurable and vulnerable way. It's reasonable then, to not want that with everyone or only want that with someone you have a close relationship with. Sometimes women can be more reactive in their sexual desires too. Like not wanting sex until things start to get steamy. There are also many things that can dampen sexual desires such as stress, social conflict, unaccepting social circles, internalized homophobia, trauma, mental health, etc, etc. So that might be something to consider.
I really relate to this feeling with both guys and girls, but moreso girls. Sometimes the thought of sleeping with women is super appealing, and other times I just want to do everything else that's loving and mushy and romantic with girls *except* sex. Have you ever slept with a woman before? For some people (like me) sex was really scary and unappealing until I did it, and now it isn't so scary. Like you, I've always liked the idea of sex and masturbated and stuff, but the reality of it was just... not great. I still feel scared of sex (because I've never slept with a woman before), but I feel like once I break that barrier, it'll start feeling more appealing. Maybe Linning is right and you only develop sexual feelings after you feel romantic towards someone- which I suspect isn't as rare as you'd expect, even being a teenager.
It is worth remembering that demi-sexual isn't recognized widely as an academic supported label. What i mean is that humans have different ways to express and feel our sexuality. If you are a lesbian, for example, you can have a high sex drive, or a low sex drive. Maybe you only feel comfortable enough to have sex when you get to know a person and build a meaningful relationship first. That's a common variation of human sexuality that some call demisexual, but there's no need for a label if you don't want to use it (especially if you are worried about stereotypes). Being a lesbian means you are a woman that is attracted to women and not men. Period. It doesn't mean you need to wear certain types of clothes, or like music from a certain artist, or act in a certain way. You like women, and that's it. Maybe you have a really high sex drive. Maybe not. In a world full of sexual references and pressure (for example, in many groups, being a virgin equals being a failed person, which is obviously ridiculous), it is normal to feel different when you don't feel all this sexual impulse that most people (supposedly) feel. Asexuals do exist, but they are uncommon. If you feel sexual attraction and if you are interested in sex, you aren't asexual (even if your sex drive is very, very low). If you take a really long time to get to know a girl and feel comfortable enough to have sex, but you are still interested in the idea, you aren't asexual - you are probably lesbian. Asexuals don't feel sexual attraction, regardless if they know a person for 30 years and are extremely comfortable around that person. I'm not trying to dictate which label you need to use. In fact, if you find them too confusing, remember that you don't need to label yourself: You like whoever you like and that's it. However, i think it is important to point out that certain labels aren't widely (and scientifically) recognized, especially when they are just describing a small variation of human sexuality (like amount of sexual drive). Labels, in general, are important - we use them to organize ourselves in the LGBT group, for example. However, if we decide to create a label for every tiny, small variation of our sexuality, we will end up creating a different label for every human in the planet - because no one feels exactly like the other! If you are worried about stereotypes, i also recommend you don't worry much about labels. First, because they describe a small part of you, not you as a whole. Second, because if you use labels that are uncommon, you will need to explain them to people, and that defeat the purpose of the label (you could just jump to the explanation without using the word).
