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Do gay people experience ever heterosexual desires?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by rainshad59, Apr 13, 2018.

  1. rainshad59

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    Just asking this question for myself.
    I seemed to have a strong heterosexual desire in my preteens, like I had no doubt that I am totally straight. but it has kinda started to vanish and I seem to only experience homosexual desires recently.
    So basically, do gay people ever experience straight desires in their preteens? Or that means that they are bisexual?
    Please answer, this has been bugging me, like I feel so gay recently lol. Thanks in advance.
    And also... Another thing that has been bugging me is that I want a traditional heterosexual marriage, would I have a chance to do that? Like, I want to have a normal life with a wife, and children. I feel myself stupid for desiring a husband.
    I feel so scared to be honest for becoming gay, I don't like being the abnormal guy of the family. I just wanna be normal and fit in. Because I had heterosexual desires, I was sexually attracted to women. I feel so sad for being attracted to men, it is just stupid, so stupid, dumb. I don't my sexuality is, but I wish having a normal life, and not being stressed about being gay. I feel so terrified that I will have to come out at some point of my life, I feel like I will disappoint everyone, so yeah, I shouldn't be gay, I should be straight. And I still have a chance to be straight. But my heart doesn't want it, and I don't desire it anymore??
    Sorry for the long post, it is just I needed to express how I feel about my attractions. And if you read it, then thank you so so much. Any advice is welcome :slight_smile: .
     
    #1 rainshad59, Apr 13, 2018
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  2. OGS

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    I think it's actually fairly common for gay people to have some heterosexual desire in one's teens. I frankly think a lot of the desire that most people feel in that time of life has to do with societal expectations, fitting in, figuring out how these new feelings fit into it all. I dated women and was sexually active until well into college. When I finally opened myself up to the fact that I had these feelings for men all the feelings I had for women almost immediately dissipated. I haven't thought about a woman that way in at least twenty-five years.
     
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  3. rainshad59

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    Oh, so it basically like shifted for you?
    I am still a teenager but I recently realized that I have really strong desire for men, which was terrifying. I always knew that I am bi curious to some extent, but not like totally gay. I used to have a strong sexual attraction to women (Well not THAT strong compared to other guys, but I fantasized about women in my own will). I feel like if I said I am gay, I will be lying to myself, since I am still attracted to women, at least slightly. I think I can make a straight marriage work...
     
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  4. LunaMare

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    I always wondered if I might be gay but I didn't really wanna think about it and denied it to myself for years. I also had small attractions to guys but there was always something off and it was never strong enough to really be with one.

    When I did admit I'm attracted to women, guys just seemed so much less interesting compared to women and and the desires for women became so much stronger then anything I've ever felt.

    I spend months trying to decide on how to label myself: bi,gay,pan...? But sexuality is a spectrum. Doctor kinsey made a scale (the kinsey scale, maybe you can look it up) that's kind of limited because sexuality is so much more complicated but still a good scale to explain that sexuality isn't black and white. Basically it goes from 0 (100%straight) to 6(100%gay). You can fall anywhere in between and somtimes it can shift trough your life.

    For example, I'd call myself a 5. For me that means I'm gay but not completely ruling out that I might one day fall for a man. Maybe you are also a 4 or 5.

    I understand that you don't want to be 'different' and just want a normal life. But just wanting to be straight, doesn't make you straight. It's a lot to deal with but I'd suggest following your heart. Maybe you really are attracted to women too and maybe you can really make a marriage to woman work. But you have to be sure that's really what you want and what will make you happy, not what socity/the people around you want. If you marry a woman, but you know in your heart you are gay, it might end up hurting the both of you. Try to be really honest with yourself. I don't know where you live but being gay is totally okay and you can live a full and happy life with a man!

    I wish you the best
     
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  5. Destin

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    I had seven girlfriends between ages 16-20 before realizing I was gay at 21 - so yea, there were definitely heterosexual desires. The gay desires are much stronger now though and my attraction to women has dropped by a lot.

    It seems like some people need something to 'push' them out of their zone of familiarity before they understand how they actually feel.

    Don't force yourself to have a heterosexual marriage just to 'not be abnormal' though... if you fall in love with a guy, you can definitely marry him - you don't have to stay with only women just to meet expectations.
     
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  6. rainshad59

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    Thanks so so much for the answers, I really appreciate it, I am happy that there are people who understand my struggles
    The thing is I find myself pretty much preferring guys over girls which sounds weird, perhaps I haven't found the perfect one yet...
    But, the thing is, I really would prefer a straight marriage over a gay marriage. Like, my heart would desire to marry a man and have a gay marriage, marrying a man would make me much happier for some reason lol. Marrying a woman sounds dull to me, maybe I don't know much about it, maybe I haven't experienced love yet, but... I don't like it.And I want to have kids when I will grow up, like genetically. I know there is surrogacy, but wouldn't that prevent them from having a mom?
    They will find it hard to fit in with other kids, who have got their lovely mothers who care about them. They will be genetically linked to some woman and they will know that at some point.Would I be able to provide an environment replacing the mother?
    Like how could someone live without a mother? I feel like most people are emotionally linked to their mothers, which is biological. If I raised kids with a guy, they will be forbidden from that, and I will be responsible for that.
    So yeah, this basically my opinion on gay marriage, feel free to comment
    By the way, I am typing this on my phone, so sorry if there was any mistake :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #6 rainshad59, Apr 14, 2018
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  7. rainshad59

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    So, I have decided to leave. I mean I thank you all for responding to my messages and helping understanding my feelings, really glad, this is one huge secret that I have in my life right now, and I am glad to find people who understand it :slight_smile: .
    My decision is due to this homosexual side is taking over me, it is giving me obsessive thoughts and I have not felt good recently. My family has noticed that, and they are concerned, but they are pretty much not aware of the situation. The moment I have realized that I might be bisexual, my life has became a blur, it became the thing that I will think about the whole day, it didn't help me focus, it just wasted my time, it became an addiction of mine which didn't feel good at all. So I have decided to keep this side of mine, and like repress until later in my life. Maybe till I move out to a more liberal place, then I will have a chance to date a guy.
    On the other hand, I have not dated any girl. The reason is that I am in a conservative environment so sex is always until marriage, and that I never got the point of having a romantic relationship. I mean I am not like some dude who hates women and stuff, I have friends who are girls. It is just I didn't get the point of having a girlfriend. So I never tried it.
    So yeah, I guess I will try to find some girl I would love.
    Basically I have more things in life to care about in life right now, I have studies, hobbies and friends to hang out with. I should be focusing on my life right now and how to make it better instead of analyzing my homosexual feelings all the time. I am a bit of an introvert, so this kind of thing give me some sort of addiction, maybe because I am bored. I will try to distract myself from these feelings, so leaving this forum would be a good start. I will certainly come back later, in the next years, to give you an update in my life. I mean, in this part of my life, my priority should be my function in the society, rather than my romantic relationships. So in order to do that, I have got to repress my sexual desires to some extent. Then, after accomplishing my goals, I would try to build up relationships with women, and if it is not working, then I will marry a guy. I deserve a love story too. I want to build up a loving family, rather than a dysfunctional one. If gay is what makes me happy , then I will be gay, and I hope people will accept me, and support me.
    So, yeah, in a nutshell, I will be leaving this forum because my sexuality isn't my priority right now. And I am really really thankful for anwsering my questions. Kinda makes my obsession less intense.
    Whatever my sexuality is, I will embrace it. Life is too short to not enjoy it. I hope my journey would be happier, and I get the chance to experience true love. I hope you guys have a wonderful life journey whoever your partner came up to be. I don't know what I just wrote, kinda of expressing my messy thoughts. So yeah, goodbye. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Chip

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    You're going to be pretty miserable if you force yourself to date women because you feel like you should. Worse, you could end up married and with kids, and still wanting to be with men... and now you've created a huge mess. I get why you are afraid of accepting who you are, but right now, you have a choice to make, and choosing to suppress and deny that part of yourself is going to lead to your being very unhappy.

    You deserve to be happy. So I'd encourage you to simply accept yourself. It doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship, but at least you can know who you are and not be lying to yourself.
     
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  9. Humbly Me

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    People seem to think sexuality in these black and white categories. But if we look at reality that is never how things work. Ignore them, focus on who you like - ignoring all the categories they are in, male, female, or whatever else - and don't push yourself or let yourself get dragged into something you don't really want.
     
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  10. rainshad59

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    Look, I come from an Islamic conservative country. I've got a good life; good family, nice friends. But, the thing is, I have homosexual feelings that I'm hiding, it's like the biggest secret I've ever had, and it feels like a curse. For my whole life,I've never hid a huge secret like this.Like I'm not some sort of effeminate guy, in fact, nobody suspects that I might be gay, like, nobody. I might not have dated girls in the past, but people see that as me being shy, which is true.
    I might find a guy cute, and I may even fall in love with him. But to be honest, I feel like it doesn't make any sense, like how can you love a guy? I find myself like someone who hates women or something, I don't know. I mean I'm not sure if it's biological or not, but I don't like this AT ALL!
    So, as I have already had heterosexual desires, and I still do, I'm still gonna act on them. I fear if I like focused on my homosexual side, I will become gay, which by then I've got to change the plan of my happy marriage life; which simply: Find a girl that I love, marry her, and make kids. It's really simple and neat. And I won't change that very easily. I'm still hoping to live simply.
    I'm scared for having to move out to a foreign country, I mean I might not even find love there, who's gonna love the Arab guy?
    Man, this is so stupid, I really can't do this, I'm really sad to be this way. I'll work on changing it later in my life,instead of accepting it and losing my heterosexual desires. Like there's still hope for me, I've already had heterosexual desires, I don't feel them that much recently but they might come back. Man, I think I'll be hiding this for my whole life...
     
  11. Chip

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    You don't "become gay". You either are or you aren't. And in your case, with constant talk about hiding it, you probably are.

    And if you are, in fact, gay, then the "hope for you" is not that you can magically turn straight (that won't happen), but that you can learn to love and accept yourself as you are. It simply isn't possible to change your sexual orientation. If it were, then all of the bigoted Republicans men wouldn't keep getting caught having sex with men in their offices, hotel rooms, etc.

    If you do choose to marry a woman... you're lying to her and to yourself, and you're creating misery not only for you but for her. Read some of the threads in our "Later in Life" forum to get an idea of how devastating this can be. It isn't a decision you want to make.

    I'm also confused; you say that you're from a conservative Islamic country, but your location says USA. Which is it? That makes a pretty significant impact on how openly you can live your life.
     
  12. rainshad59

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    Well, there's a chance. After all, I am not like exclusively gay, I am bisexual. But the question is: Which attractions are more dominant... If it is like my homosexual feelings were more intense, then I guess I will have to marry a guy.
    One funny thing is that I am shy, so nobody is aware of the situation. Nobody is suspecting me having gay feelings. So it is like, if I came out, people will be shocked.
    And I guess my parents will have hard time accepting it, then they will be obliged to hide it to other members of the family. They won't attend the wedding of course. But, is it worth it for a MAN? That is what I am not sure about.
    And yeah, I didn't want to reveal my location if you don't mind.
    I guess straight life style would be much more easier, so I have to like date girls and see how is it like.
     
  13. Humbly Me

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    You live in the U.S. now correct? If so, I think it is a good idea for you to go about and see the world some... bars (lgbt friendly ofc) and any other place or enjoyable activity you can think of where you might find people who will be accepting and maybe not so surprised if you come out and friends that can support you in the event it doesn't rest well with your parents or family. And maybe even meet someone you like in the process. Fortunately, as long as your stay in the U.S. is permanent and you are financially independent, you are perfectly safe to come out.
     
  14. Jax12

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    I still think about heterosexual sex here and there. It’s been like that for a while, hence why I thought I was bisexual.

    The gay label still fits better, though.
     
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  15. rainshad59

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    Well unfortunately I'm not from the US...
    The thing is, recently, my sexual fantasies have been all about men, like I'm becoming gay, which is funny to be honest. I think I'm gonna accept this fact; that I'm attracted to same sex, and like not force myself to watch straight porn, or something. Because it's like, I don't know, straight porn doesn't suffice me anymore, I prefer gay porn and fantasizing about men, but like this is scaring me if it will make me more gay, forcing myself to watch gay porn doesn't make me fulfilled, I don't why, am I gay?
    I feel I'm lying to myself if I said I'm gay, because I had a strong heterosexual attraction in my preteens. There were a bit of signs of being attracted to the same sex, but mostly I was straight and I was glad of being heterosexual. The idea of having sex with a woman seemed very VERY arousing to me (just like any straight dude), and I pretty much wanted to marry a woman so that I can fulfill these desires that I had, and I've always fantasized about women. I remember having one gay dream but that time I wasn't attracted to men, and I searched about it, they told me that's it's about not appreciating some body parts, and that could be true.
    But now, these attractions are decreasing and that what confuses the hell out of me. And I feel if I give the chance to myself to fantasize about men and watch gay porn, these attractions will increase more and more, and then I won't be able to fulfill my dream of having a traditional marriage. But isn't that like repressing ? I'm scared if perhaps I found a girl attractive and married, that at a point of our marriage, the homosexual desires will come back and be more prevalent, then I'm gonna have to get divorce or something, like it's a late realization. And I also have a fear of lying to myself about being gay????? like I'd realize that I am more attracted to girls?????????????
    Like this is so confusing, I feel like bisexual is the ideal term to describe about my attractions, although it's more leaning to the gay side. I don't know if I have to come out or not, like if I'm able to make a successful heterosexual marriage, I'm too young for this lol, maybe I'll find a girl who can make forget about all my homosexual urges, and that's possible, because my attraction might shift over time to girls rather than boys.
    Alright, as a conclusion that I've made, it's too soon for this, this is not the part of my life when I'll get married. This little secret of mine will be hidden. And I'll enjoy fantasizing about whichever gender I want, even it's exclusively men, I won't feel guilty or ashamed(yay!), it's completely normal and I don't have to repress it. (Besides it's better because then I'll know who I am more attracted to)... Until I get to the part of my life where I get to decide my partner, I'm gonna follow my heart not my brain, and I hope a find a good loving one, and that my family will support me and accept me the way I'm, whether it's gay or bisexual or anything.
    So if you've read all of this, thank you so much for helping me discover about my sexuality, and not feeling ashamed of my attractions, and getting rid of my anxieties and fears about being gay. I'm more accepting of myself, and I'm glad to know 'me' more.
    Sorry this is too long, I guess I'll be leaving now, after all my goal is accomplished, accepting myself :slight_smile:.
    Please leave your opinion.
     
  16. Silveroot

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    I don't have much to add to what others have already told you. Apparently you are the one in control of your life and the choices are yours to make.

    Personally living a lie or someone's life is not something I'd recommend to anyone, but being gay in your area is a risk. Moving to a more accepting country where you would be free to explore whatever you want sounds like a better option to me. Again I understand that your culture, religion and family might make you feel like these are unacceptable things. You might fear leaving your family and place of origin since it's all you know. All of that is about big scary choices.

    Making a marriage just to survive isn't a less scary choice either. I've heard many repressed gay men who marry women have affairs with men on the side, but in these cases the fear might make for some poor sexual choices like unprotected sex which can put both the man AND his wife in serious danger. Not to mention the daily emotional conflict. Many times this translates in poor chemistry in the couple, or in depression and this can make all involved suffer.

    I don't know what to tell you, it's your life. I wish you the best.
     
  17. Incredibull

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    Hey, congratulations on figuring out your sexuality took me a while... Enjoy life, your friends, but also be true to yourself.... You may want to think about moving away to a place where you can be yourself without restrictions... You never want to be in a place where you feel you cannot express yourself but that is my 2 cents.... Im a masculine guy from a christian family, but definately not in the same position as you. When I came out as bi it was a big shock and fortunately all my friends and family treat me the same, but think about the long run of you keeping a secret for so many odd years.... Even if you end of marrying a woman you want to be able to communicate freely. Good luck and hope you enjoy life and do what you want in life all of which is the most importance, fuck what anyone else thinks just make sure you are going to live to your fullest potential and leaving a mark in the world that is yours and yours alone because at the end of the day that is what is going to truly mattter. If you really want to try and date a man I would reccomend doing it in a place that you can express yourself freely, maybe going to college in the states or something.... it is very interesting to me of someone coming out in a different culture even if you ahve not done so yet, good luck and the best to yah man.... Keep us updated and make sure you live your life in the happiest and most productive you can figure....
     
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  18. Limiteded

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    Wow this is a really good thread with lots of good input
     
  19. lost101

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    Yes sexuality is fluid...for instance I love girls more than men but I find Channing Tatum attractive when I watch him in magic mike I’d maybe sleep with him if I was drunk but that’s as far as it’d go with women I go all the way
     
  20. rainshad59

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    Oh thank you all!
    What I discovered that I am sexually attracted to both sexes (but more to guys), but romantically attracted to boys, I still don't get it, but apparently, I would prefer being in a gay relationship. I don't know why it makes happy lol, being with a man. Imagining myself with a boy is better for me than being with a girl. But I guess I am gonna be bisexual for now, but I don't know and don't understand. My heart would rather be with a boy rather than a girl, I guess that is why I never got romantic movies...
    But who knows? Maybe it will change, maybe I would able to marry a girl since I have never been with one. Or maybe it won't, then I would have to be gay. Well, to be honest, if I removed all feelings of shame and guilt, then I would probably be gay... Like there were multiple signs since I was a kid, I had crushes mostly on boys, but I also had crushes on girls.
    I guess I am bisexual who prefers guys.