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Do all dom/sub relationships include pain?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Creativemind, Oct 4, 2017.

  1. Creativemind

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    I'm definitely aroused by many aspects of the dom/sub mechanic (mistress/slave labels, light bondage, orders/rules for the slave, authority roleplay like student/teacher, etc) but I feel turned-off when it goes into extreme S&M (Choking, blood play, genital/nipple torture, etc).

    Is it possible to find a mechanic like this that feels D/s but has no S&M? I'm new to this sort of thing and always thought I could never do BDSM because physical pain really scares me and puts me off. But the more I get to know myself, the more I wish to be submissive to a gentle domme who can give orders and punishment without sadism.

    Thanks for educating me if you can :slight_smile:
     
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  2. Chloe

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    Short answer - no.

    Plenty of people have D/s relationships without pain or with only mild forms that you probably would not consider sadism/masochism. It's also common to find out that certain types of so-called pain can be arousing in the right situation -- if both partners decide to explore that. The pain-pleasure definition can change a lot while playing. There's a huge range of sensations and limits and styles -- no "right" or "regular" way to do BDSM.

    I've been involved in BDSM in my private life, socially, and otherwise for about 30 years. The D/s and S/m are mostly separate things for me, but I prefer to keep both. I don't mind D/s without the S/m, but I'm not very interested in S/m without at least some D/s, as a submissive. As a top, I can do S/m without much D/s.

    People in relationships are generally interesting in mutually satisfying experiences, so a dom who is mostly a sadist (not the majority) would be better paired with a masochist. My partner (of almost 20 years) and I are not actually the same in this way, since I prefer more D/s (as a submissive), but we make things work.

    Obviously, communication is essential. There are all sorts of questionnaires available online to help sort out what you actually like to do, or would consider doing, or are pretty sure you wouldn't do.
     
    #2 Chloe, Oct 4, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
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  3. Creativemind

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    Ahhh interesting! I might not mind the more mild forms, but I do feel uncomfortable with complete torture. Maybe I can find a gentle domme after all...
     
  4. JaimeGaye

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    I've no idea if lesbians engage in the practice but pup & owner is a common gay practice of dominance and submission.
    The submissive partner acts as the "Puppy" and is at the owners beck and call to respond to "Training"
    There are all kinds of variation levels from mild collar and leash Sit-Stay-Satisfy Me to over the top full costume Bad Dog-whackwhackwhack-Get in your cage this is going to hurt and you are going to like it madness.
    Something to consider anyway.
     
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  5. Creativemind

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    Wow that sounds really hot!
     
  6. Blackangel

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    There is a big difference between S&M and BDSM. S&M is sadomasochism. It's where one person likes inflicting pain, and the other likes receiving the pain. I spent quite a while as a personal slave to a professional Dominatrix. We had an intense relationship. With slavery you relinquish all your rights. It's not something to be taken lightly. You should always start as just submissive if you're a beginner.

    BDSM is bondage, domination, sadomasochism. In that spot, you don't have to be involved in a sadomasochistic relationship. You can be someone that is into being tied up for example, or someone that likes tying people up. It's common for these relationships to turn sexual if it's not a strictly business relationship. I would suggest finding a Dom to talk to and learn what you can from their side. There are those of us that are submissive and those that are dominant. Me personally, I'm an extreme masochist. The more brutal the pain the better. I cant tell you how many times I have ended up in the hospital, but I loved, and still do, every second of it. But my level of masochism is dangerous, and not for the rookie.
     
  7. Twist

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    D/s, as others have indicated, does not need to include any form of BDSM or S&M.

    D/s is a "power exchange" that has to do with one person being the dominant party, and the other as the submissive party. This can play out in certain play scenarios such as @JaimeGaye described, as well as in every day life in how the two people interact together. There is a wide spectrum here depending on the dynamic in the relationship. Everywhere from just a natural set of "roles" in a relationship dynamic all the way to Master/Mistress and slave (described above by @Blackangel .

    BDSM activities also do not have to be necessarily pain oriented. I know people who like to tie up their partner and tickle them, for an example. Spankings/Floggings/Whippings and other activities are also not necessarily painful unless the party sets out for them to be (it's all in the wrist). Some are into mind games and fear play, which is also in this category.

    S&M is, as also explained by @Blackangel, pain oriented. Sadomasochism by itself is all about giving and receiving pain, and does not necessarily have to have anything to do with Dominance and submission. For example, I have friends (a couple) where he enjoys pain immensely, and she enjoys inflicting it.... and yet, there is an actual reversal as far as their dominance/submission balance is concerned.... as she is the submissive in their relationship.

    When it comes to things like D/s and BDSM (and even S&M), there is a huge array of kinks and interests. A huge array of different ways to enjoy those activities. It's important to openly discuss with your partner what you are interested in and looking for, and for them to do the same for you. It's important, as well, during the relationship to check in from time to time with each other and make sure interests remain the same and nothing has changed along the way.
     
  8. Creativemind

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    Interesting to know about. I have never been interested in professional domantrix as I don't want to pay money to be submissive (and I like sexually pleasing dommes if I can). I'm more interested in finding a normal life partner like any other vanilla couple, where we can engage in some sort of power dynamic.

    So I guess I would be a submissive who is not a masochist (or a sadist). I have some D/s type fetishes that don't go into the extreme torture category : D
     
    #8 Creativemind, Oct 14, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2017
  9. Twist

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    That sounds about right from what you've described in your posts. :slight_smile:
     
  10. JaimeGaye

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    Well, you asked... :grin:
     
  11. Gideon

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    As has already been mentioned, there is no right or wrong to BDSM, there's no set of rules that just automatically works for everyone. Like any other dynamic, it's all about what you make it and what you put into it.

    The key to finding what you're looking for is to communicate what those needs are to your partner. Be clear with your limits and specify which of those limits are hard limits which cannot and -should not- be pushed and lighter limits which you'd be okay with being pushed and poked at slowly. Trust and communication is essential in any successful relationship and it is even more important involving BDSM and D/s.
     
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