ive been on this journey of coming to terms with my sexuality for over a year and I’ve been finding this site helpful. My husband has been aware of my questioning identity, and we have been separated for several months while I figure things out. We were moving towards an amicable divorce until he learned about me being with a woman and not being forthcoming. He is very angry now and is wanting to speed up the divorce. I never wanted to hurt him and I feel absolutely horrible. I recognize I am in the wrong. I know it’s not an excuse, but it is so hard to leave a marriage without knowing for sure about my orientation. Even though I have spent a year considering data that shows I am lesbian and being in therapy, I want to take it all back now. I want to tell him I’m wrong, take away his pain, and go on living our lives normally. How do I get through this?
uggh.... I don't know that "living our lives normally" is an option...you had an affair and he found out, plus not being sure of your attraction to him. That's a lot for any relationship to take and move on, It's not impossible but it's hard, real hard, and honestly sucky odds of it working.. BUT that doesn't mean you shouldn't try if that's what you want. The loss of trust with the affair is the hardest part, you need that trust to make this amicable again. My advice, just be honest. All the way honest. At this point what do you have to lose right? Tell him why, tell him why you didn't tell him, tell him how you felt. Don't give excuses, you were wrong, own it. *I had an affair 3 years ago* He's going to be upset and hurt, connect with him over the pain you caused him. Show him you understand. The hard part is keeping your defenses down. You can't try to defend your actions. i do realize that for you sleeping with a women might be a step you needed to take to see how you feel. I get that. and maybe he will also in time, but right now try and connect with his feelings, after he's had a chance to process. Build that trust back. It seems to me that trust is the most important thing in any relationship. It took time for me to get my wife's trust back, and her coming out to me showed me her trust in me. Since we've started being 100 percent open with each other things have been so much better. When I trust her it allows me to keep my walls down. It lets me empathize with her. It's not easy, but imho it's the best path forward. Good luck
Why do you want to take it back? Because you truely don't believe it or because you feel bad for causing him pain?
This is a good question. I truly do feel bad for causing him pain and I want to take it away. I also think there is still a big part of me having difficulty accepting my sexuality. I had trouble ending the relationship with him sooner because I kept thinking that one day I would wake up and find that this is all just a phase. I wanted it to be a phase. I think when all this started I had the mentally of “getting it out of my system.” He gave the green light to explore with women, but neither of us anticipated the extent of the box I was opening. After i developed an emotional connection to another woman, it was so hard to turn back, and I wasn’t forthcoming about everything. Even then, I was still waiting for my “phase” to end. Right now I’m regretting ever opening this box.
It may have been you that lifted the lid but if you hadn't it would have come off itself eventually because that's what these things do. I know it's tough to accept your sexuality especially when you were living a straight life. It's common to want and hope for it to go away but honestly it's not going to. I know you want to take his pain away but actually truthfully the best way to do that is be true to yourself, be truthful with him and let him move forward and you can both find happiness.
This is such a “normal” part of the up and down process of this journey. A most painful part. It took me some years before I didn’t wish for an “easier” time. Wish I could take it away and go back. Everything is so absolutely frightening. Fear was my constant companion for those first few years. I’ve been out and separated for 5 years now. I was married for 23 years to my best friend since I was 14. I hardly knew a life without him. But I loved him enough to let him go so that he could find something that he truly deserves. I knew I would never be able to give him that passionate and connected love that everyone deserves. That I had found in myself and had given to a woman. That love that radiates through your soul and changes you forever. If I could have given him that I would have. But how and who you Love is not a choice. Who you are at your core is not a choice. Who you can connect emotionally and physically with is not a choice. Grief and loss is part of this journey and anger is an important component. Honor his journey in this as well as your own with compassion. You both deserve to walk towards happiness but first a lot of mourning and loss has to be resolved. You will get there. It takes time. Sending you love on your journey.
@FindingLouie this post was very powerful to me. 'Choices' are tricky little buggers....they never seem to go away or resolve until we've made the 'right' one. Thank you for sharing. @Lilbird I'm sorry you're dealing with this - I wish you peace and love through your journey.
I may be missing something. He gave the green light for you to explore with other women. You explored with women. Now he's hurt? Even if you had flat out cheated on him, yes that is a mistake. But, it happens in relationships and people get over it. They either work it out or split up. Yes, he's hurt but he doesn't get to torture you over it. My ex-wife also chose to be hurt when I came out. I hadn't cheated on her. I really beat myself up over it, kind of like you're doing. And she happily continued being in anguish while I danced around trying to soften everything up for her. You're not doing him or yourself any favors by trying to pull back from your sexuality, whatever it may be. It took me awhile but once I started being confident in regards to my sexuality things started getting better. It wasn't easy and I had to fake it at first. But she realized that I couldn't fix her problem with it and had to move on or at least stop complaining to me about it. Know yourself. Don't overthink it, you probably already know the answers. If you are willing to stay in the relationship let him know along with what YOU NEED in order to be there. When I tried to negotiate my sexuality or what I needed it only made things worse. I know it sucks but you are on the right path. This too shall pass and a year or two from now you may be amazed at the wonderful people and experiences in your life.
Zen fix, I've been there! It was awful. *Hugs* I came out to my husband of 14 years in January, 2017. He tried everything imaginable to manipulate me back into the closet, including telling me I was "throwing him away like his abusive parents" and that he was going to kill himself "because I broke my promise to stay with him forever." Libird, I understand your ex is hurt, I understand you regret hurting him. But if he truly loves you and wants you to be a happy, complete person, he needs to take responsibility for his own happiness and move on. Making you responsible for his emotional wellbeing is emotional abuse. It took me eight months of back and forth and a really talented therapist before I understood that. Making you feel bad or guilty for being who you are is abuse. It's really, really difficult to break away from an abusive or manipulative partner. But you are strong enough to seek a partner who respects you, the true version of you.
I'm sorry that your husband feels pain; it's definitely not easy. However, let me respectfully say that his pain shouldn't be channeled into anger towards you. That's extremely unfair & unjust. Why? Because you guys were separated for the purpose of you exploring your sexual orientation. How did he think that "exploration" was going to happen...by reading a book? The real reasons for anger on his part might be that he expected this exploration to conclude with you going back and saying, "nope, I'm not bi or lesbian," let's get back to life as it was. That didn't happen, and he's mad & hurt. I'm sorry anyone is hurt, but it's not your fault, so don't accept that, and don't feel guilty for trying to find your authentic self. Think about it this way....what if the roles were reversed & it was your husband who needed to explore his sexuality, & what if he found that yes, he's gay. Would you lash out at him or want to make him feel guilty, or force him in the closet? Would he not have the right to live his best, authentic life? Would you be happy knowing he's only staying in the marriage because he doesn't want to hurt you (which breeds resentment over the years)? Just some stuff to think about. Yes, it's tough & you must be kind and gentle, and understanding about what his pain is right now. But never let him make you feel guilty or that you did something wrong because that's unfair, unjust, and untrue. Wishing the best for you both.
Feeling your pain @Lilbird I am terrified my husband will find out the details of my affair. He just thinks it's was an emotional affair and that is has been over for a long time. We haven't physically seen each other in many months but we still do have contact by email and the odd phone call. Keeping it a secret is the only thing saving me from a very messy ugly divorce right now. He is a very angry man who has had anger issues our whole marriage. I hate lying, but I know it would be an unimaginable hell if he found out. I want to believe she might still be there once I'm through all of this but if she isn't I know deep in my heart I can't stay married to him and I want to live my life truthfully.
Why are you staying with him? A divorce may be ugly, but your happiness is important. You can divorce him and forget about him forever.
@Glitters We are not staying together. We are separating. We are just trying to go about it amicably and settle outside of court without lawyers for now. We have two kids so there is no forgetting or walking away from him forever.
Good strategy. No need to make things more difficult by revealing your private business. I wish you luck with everything.
i have never been with a girl before , i haven 't even kissed one yet , but i know how i feel when i see girls i crush on . I haven't realised that i may be gay until this year ( i am still not comfortable with my sexuality though giving where i live ) anyway, i think that sexual/ emotional attraction to the same sex doesn t come from nowhere i mean if there is attraction then it must be there and it s part of who we are . I think the question is whether you will be happy with him or not. Would you really feel normal if you come back together ? is it going to be the same as it was ? i know it hurts to see him suffer after all what you have been through together but please don t sacrifice your happiness if you feel that you are not going to be you with him or you are not going to be with the person you want . Ps: I am so sorry you had to go through all of this . I hope things get better for you
