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Discreet way top meet other gays?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by 54321john, Jan 10, 2013.

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  1. 54321john

    54321john
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    Thanks Ianthe,

    You have given very good advice. It does make sense.... get out in front of an issue yourself instead of letting others define you first.

    The thing is, I suspect that I am actually bi. I can become interested when looking at certain women.


    I was violently raped as a little kid, which had devastating consequences for me. I kept the secret. Since you are an adviser here, I'm sure you know the drill. I don't need to fill in the details.

    Since I was raped by a male, and that is where the damage was done, that seems to be where my curiosity is. I'm looking to have some positive and safe gay relationships and then see how I feel about things. (If you look under "Orientation" in the left column on this page by my name, you will see that I describe myself as "Questioning.") I don't really want to come out as gay yet... what if it's not true? I might be gay, I might be bi, I might even be straight. One psychologist I know claims that if you are capable of being attracted to a woman you are not gay...period.

    Thus, my interest in discretion as I explore this matter. As well as possibly facing financial problems because of stupid, vicious bigots and a few amoral, opportunistic competitors. (It only takes a few, even if the others are decent.)
     
    #41 54321john, Jan 14, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2013
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    John,

    If you were sexually abused as a child, you owe it to yourself to get therapy for it. Childhood sexual abuse is something that absolutely, positively will severely affect you in dozens of ways you aren't even aware of. In fact, that disclosure alone helps me to put into context your entire attitude and fear about your work environment... as that, too, is impacted by the abuse that happened so long ago.

    Male sexual abuse is something that few therapists and counselors really understand, and having a therapist that doesn't have specialty training and deep understanding of the issue can be worse than no therapy at all. It is also not something that typically can be resolved quickly, particularly if you have not explored the issues in therapy in depth prior to now. But... once you do seek therapy for it, you'll notice a profound difference in yourself within a few months of starting therapy.

    Honestly -- not that you've shown interest in any of my other advice -- I would suggest going to therapy first, before going down the path of hookups or trying to make a relationship with a guy work, simply because there are so many issues that the male abuse survivor faces that interfere with a healthy relationship that it is typically near impossible to have a healthy relationship before working through the issues. (This isn't something pulled out of my ass, it's sound data from the 25+ years of data of hundreds of clinicians and researchers looking at male abuse survivors.)

    I have some other resources for male abuse survivors if that's something you're interested in, but it's something I'd rather share via PM, so feel free to message me if that's something you're interested in.
     
    #42 Chip, Jan 14, 2013
  3. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    John, I really hope that you will take Chip's help. He has the most experience of our advisors here with sexual abuse survivors, and particularly male survivors. I know you got off on the wrong foot with him somehow, but he really is the best person to help you. He's also more similar to you in age, and, you know, a man, so he might be the most comfortable for you to, really.

    Also, I think he's probably right about holding off a little on dating. Sexual "experimentation" or "exploration" isn't always all it's cracked up to be, it often just makes people more confused. The best thing might be to meet some gay people and witness healthy same-sex couples in their relationships, as friends of theirs. That will help you to envision what that would be like, and see if it is something you want for yourself.

    You might be able to do this openly without coming out, since you aren't ready for that. For example, you could align yourself and your business publicly as an ally to the community, and meet some people that way. This is easily explainable from a business perspective, since the current trend is definitely in that direction.

    Even if you aren't gay, I think that having gay friends would be healthy for you.
     
    #43 Ianthe, Jan 15, 2013
  4. yes

    yes
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    i don't know if you travel at all, some jobs include travelling after all.. if you do, you could go out when you're in a different city/country where no one knows you... that way you can go to a gay bar and have it be nearly risk free as far as anyone recognising you goes (unless you're say, really famous, that is). i've just started doing this, for reasons of my own, and find it works. also, i respect your choice, each to their own and you know yourself best so you probably know what's best for you. the important thing is being honest to yourself, not everyone else needs to know everything about you as long as you know who you are.
     
    #44 yes, Jan 15, 2013
  5. 54321john

    54321john
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    Actually, I worked with a therapist about 10 years while working in a group as well. I think there is a bit of well-intentioned arm chair quarterbacking going on here :wink: :slight_smile: I have indicated in prior posts that EC is not my only resource.

    Maybe this discussion has reached its end? :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 15th Jan 2013 at 07:15 PM ----------
    THANK YOU! :lol:
     
    #45 54321john, Jan 15, 2013
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Since you don't seem interested in anyone's help other than to help you make choices almost none of us think are good for you... and seem to think you have all the answers... yes, this discussion probably has reached its end.
     
    #46 Chip, Jan 15, 2013
  7. 54321john

    54321john
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    Yes, I think it's time for me to move on.

    Thank you everyone for your help.

    Best wishes to all.
     
    #47 54321john, Jan 15, 2013
  8. Davidva

    Davidva
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    Hi John
    I was searching on topic of discreet dating and found this old post.
    I'm in the same situation (and some more), and I'm really interested to know if you have been able to deal with the situation.
    David
     
    #48 Davidva, Mar 17, 2014
  9. wingman

    wingman
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    I'm in the same boat as you guys minus the age (i'm in my 20's). This is making me crazy. :bang:
    I'm still questioning myself if I should go this road.
     
    #49 wingman, Apr 11, 2014
  10. Boban

    Boban
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    I went on a dating site and received interest from Gay and bi guys. I'm going to meet one guy in person this weekend. I am looking for discretion also, but not in the same extent as you, where you can't even post a photo online.
     
    #50 Boban, Apr 11, 2014
  11. wingman

    wingman
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    Good for you Boban . :slight_smile:
     
    #51 wingman, Apr 11, 2014
  12. Gambit

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    Another off-topic question, but how plausible is it for you to find another job? I would imagine it being very stressful to constantly worry about appearing 100% straight all the time, pretending to like girls, making up excuses for being single, etc. You could always start looking for a plan b.

    Anyway, probably an on-line dating site is your best bet. When I tried one, I saw a few profiles with no pictures, but they mentioned in their description that they were closeted and would send a picture privately upon request. You will probably have to make the first contact with the guys you find interesting; I guess picture-less profiles don't get lots of visits. It may take a while to meet someone, but this is true even if you have a profile pic (I gave up after 2 months... I should have posted a shirtless pic haha).
     
    #52 Gambit, Apr 12, 2014
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