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Discreet way top meet other gays?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by 54321john, Jan 11, 2013.

  1. 54321john

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    Hi,

    I'm in a business which makes me recognizable to a lot of folks. I am very much in the closet right now. Because of the nature of my business, I 'm sure it would harm my ability to earn a living if word got out... my competitors would have a field day. Some of them are absolutely merciless.

    I've tried some of the online dating web-sites. But i guess that in order to get any attention, you need to post a pic. But if I do this, I'm sure the word would spread. I could have no way to support myself. I could lose my home.

    I'm not bad looking... several folks have recently guessed my age as being in my early 30's...no, they weren't shining me on. If I would post a pic, I'm sure I would get some interest. I have gotten interest from a few folks I sent a pic to privately. But, it seems that we weren't interested in the same things.

    Where would one go, or what would one do, in order to discreetly meet other like-minded people? I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering.

    I am still quite inexperienced and getting so demoralized.

    Thanks much.
     
    #1 54321john, Jan 11, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2013
  2. 4AllEternity

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    Well, if you truly believe that you would fail in your career if you were known to be gay, the hard choice is; does your career mean more than finding that special someone? Does it make you as happy as the possibility of finding someone to love and be loved by?

    The fact is, if you want any kind of serious relationship, it will doubtlessly be public. Unless you're just looking for hookups, you can't hide the person forever :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. photoguy93

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    This is really interesting! I would also love to get some answers to this. I'm young, but I get it. I'm not necessarily worried about people finding out (i'm more worried about the wrong people finding out.) I'm not paranoid - I'm just worried.

    I'm young. So I really would like to find some companionships (think of that sentence as you may...) Do you think it really deters people? Because I think it puts a huge damper on the connection. First, what sites have you tried? Where did you give your pic out?
    It's tough because 99 percent of the guys on these sites want a pic. (I know, I want a pic but won't give it out.) I recently met a guy online who waited for a pic, sent me his, didn't hate my picture, and is still talking to me. I was SHOCKED.
     
  4. gggualigeee

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    You don't have to leave a pic on the dating site. Leave your Skype ID in your profile, tell people you are okay to do vedio talk. Or leave the pic your Skype. I think if people are really into you, they will try to find out what you look like.
     
  5. Zaio

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    I don't use dating sites to hook up so I'm not sure I can help you further in that aspect. But you know, you could just add your picture on this dating website and if anyone calls you on it, say that it's not your account and someone is framing you.

    Be careful with this one. Forum rules; not allowed to name the sites, especially the ones that generally involve hooking up.

    All the best.
     
  6. Chip

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    I have to echo, and expand on, what an earlier poster said. If you aren't ready to be out... you probably shouldn't start dating, or even hookups, if being visible as a gay man would cost you your career.

    Here's the issue: Gay guys, pretty much everywhere, are gossipy. And often bitter. Often worse so in less populated areas of the country. So when (not if) a relationship or hookup you have goes awry, and that person knows your "secret"... he's going to tell others... and word will get around. Even more so if the person who knows, knows you don't want it shared. So the more important thing, I think, is to deal with the bigger issue.

    Can I ask what sort of career you're in where people knowing you're gay would impact your business? Even in the most backwards states, in most industries I can think of, not a lot of people are going to stop doing business with someone solely because they're gay. They may break off friendships... but in most cases, people put aside religious and other differences when they're doing business.

    The biggest thing every LGBT person deals with is shame. When we're closeted, we're convinced that people won't accept us, and horrible things will happen if/when we come out. And shame leads to making you vulnerable to blackmail and all sorts of other nasty stuff. But all of that goes away when you simply deal with the shameful stuff.

    Being gay (at least in the US) isn't like being an axe murderer or a child molester. While there are certainly places in the world where being gay is enough to get you killed, even in the most backwards states in the US, it is getting more and more tolerant. And this life is too short to live it in shame or lurking around in the shadows your whole life; that's a really terrible existence, and when you get found out (which almost always happens), the harm comes from the shame, not from what and who you actually are.

    I realize this doesn't deal with your original question at all, but I'd encourage you to at least think about this before you do something that might really have serious consequences for your career and well being. I'd be willing to wager that the situation is solvable in a way where you can have both your career and a relationship, without running around in the shadows.
     
  7. PeteNJ

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    Have you thought about using one of the dating apps that are specifically gay? (So not Match, say).

    I suppose its possible, though pretty unlikely, that a straight woman would download a gay dating app and then see you. And if another guy sees you on their and recognizes you, they're all gay anyway.

    Not a perfect solution... I think you're getting some consistent thinking from the posts about.
     
  8. 54321john

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    First of all, you folks are great here. I really appreciate all the advice.

    Yes, I know it is in inevitable that some folks will find out.. But, if I lose my income, I will either be homeless or become a burden on an aging parent. I really don't care what people think; I do care what some ignoramuses may do to me.

    I'm not comfortable naming the business that I'm in. I would estimate that I have met somewhere around 10,000 people locally during my career.... folks who know my name and other info about me.

    I have met gay folks over the years. But, because of religious convictions I held at the time, I never followed up with them. I no longer have their contact info.

    Since we cannot name dating sites here, I won't. But I do have an idea:
    The one site has a forum. I think I will cross-post a similar question there. It couldn't hurt. I'll see what responses I get.

    Thanks folks!
     
  9. M929B

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    Guys who don't send pix know there is a damn good reason why they are not showing their pix. It's not because of their jobs or being discreet. They have something to hide and they know it....the pix will tell the truth. 1. Overweight 2. Much older 3. They aren't as "cute" as other guys. We all know it's true.
     
  10. photoguy93

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    I have to agree, in some ways, There's something. I know this because I've been there. I would also add self confidence issues, because that's me. I am cute, I'm just not confident in my body.

    HOWEVER, some really un attractive guys do shows pics very freely. It's a very odd thing...

    ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2013 at 10:54 AM ----------

    Well, not that I'm trying to be rude, but if you can't even name your career like its some big secret, should you even be posting?

    I have to agree that most careers won't matter. Unless you're a straight male prostitute known for your amazing abilities as a lover, or you are planning on running for president or any other office, what's the big deal? I live in a conservative area. We have a well known gay realtor, and a very well known restaurant is owned by a respected gay couple. To me, that's my biggest tip. The minute you start disrespecting yourself and treating this like a disease, people will pick up on it.

    I'm not forcing you to admit anything. But just look at this: make the decision. If you aren't going to come out, then don't worry about it. If you were confident enough to deal with being closeted, you wouldn't be talking about it. That's just how I see it.

    I'm going to add this again - I am not trying to be rude. I completely understand your anxieties and worries. We will all respect you, no matter what you do. I'm just saying what I think is important. I wish you all the best and that you can live the best life!
     
    #10 photoguy93, Jan 12, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2013
  11. SomeNights

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    I don't know about everywhere else, but it's not the end of the world to walk into a gay club. My first time I thought everyone was going to stop and stare at me like "get the fuck out", but it's really not like that AT ALL. In fact, so far I've not had anyone even remotely say anything about it.
     
  12. photoguy93

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    I like that point! It's true - if you go someplace, you're probably going to just meet like minded people. Go with friends. Frankly, people won't really care. I went and as expecting the same thing. But it's easy to fade away. Unless you're some hunky body builder....haha.
     
  13. SomeNights

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    ^even if your not down here you still got the old guys chasing after you! lol
     
  14. Niqk

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    Would be funny if the guy at the other end was one of his business competitors:lol:
     
  15. 54321john

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    I'm glad you know. I see you are all of 20 years old.

    You do not understand the issues with so many folks of my generation. It's beyond your experience, whether or not you realize it.

    When I was in my 20's, I once had a several guys that I thought I knew from business, that I trusted and liked, attempt to violently gang rape and destroy me because they SUSPECTED that I MIGHT be gay. I never saw it coming. These were considered respectable people. The police weren't all that sympathetic to gays, either. In fact, these guys were very good friends with the police, who would cover up pretty much anything for them. Good luck filing a complaint against these respected gentleman. And if you tried, you could find yourself being brutally retaliated against, with everyone else either cheering them on or too afraid to even say anything in your defense. You don't know how it was.

    There's a saying: "You got the audience you got, not the audience you want." The simple fact is that most of the folks I deal with are of my generation and even older. I know the attitudes better than you do. I know my "audience" well.
     
    #15 54321john, Jan 13, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2013
  16. 54321john

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    Btw, one thing about coming out...

    I have the greatest respect for those who have. I admire your courage to publicly be who you are. I am even jealous of you.

    But, what I do in the privacy of my bedroom is no one else's business. PERIOD! I have no wish to make it a public matter. I do not "owe" anyone any explanations. This is my private information like my tax records, my medical history, etc. No one else has any right to know my sexual preferences that I do not choose to share with. I am in no way doing anything immoral or cowardly by honoring my own right to privacy. And why shouldn't I honor my own privacy? I honor the rights of others to their privacy.

    I started this thread because I am genuinely interested in meeting other gays discretely. I figured that:

    1) Others had found ways of doing this and might be willing to share. Why reinvent the wheel on my own from scratch?
    2) I would not be the only one to benefit from this thread

    Thanks again to all the wonderful folks here who have tried to help.
     
    #16 54321john, Jan 13, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2013
  17. Chip

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    John,

    When people say "What I do in the privacy of my bedroom is my business, and I have no wish to make it a public matter"... they're acknowledging (whether they admit it or not) an incredible amount of shame (which, by the way, is pretty much fundamental to everyone, the only people who don't have shame are people incapable of empathy... but the more we have it, the less we admit to it or talk about it.) And shame is really corrosive and damaging and toxic. Shame is the deep down, fundamental belief that we are unworthy of love and belonging. And as long as we hold onto shame... we can't love ourselves, which means it's going to be hard to let anyone else love us fully, or love them fully.

    This isn't about privacy; everyone's entitled to privacy. This is about being ashamed of who you are, which is different. I'm not suggesting you come out tomorrow... and I also totally disagree with the (rather rude) message that M929B posted.

    There are plenty of deeply closeted people who are deathly afraid of anyone finding out who they are. For example... you (John) have a really generic username, no location, and nothing else that would remotely allow anyone to figure out who you are... yet you're so paranoid about being found out that you won't reveal even the industry that you're in... even though there are likely tens or hundreds of thousands of people (at a minimum) in your industry! That's not privacy, that's really, really deep shame.

    I'm not saying this to rip on you... I'm saying it because it seems pretty clear that you're getting defensive and feeling really uncomfortable, and that isn't what EC is about. But I do think that bringing to your attention what's going on, and letting you sit and think about it, might help you in the long run.

    There are two other things to think about: If you find someone through one of these sites, they will be either closeted or out. Both have problems for you:

    - A closeted person (particularly one your age) is going to be someone who is also deep in shame, and that's going to affect their ability to be open and loving, to connect, to trust... and that's going to make for a not-very-healthy relationship.

    -- An out person is going to get really frustrated with someone who is closeted and it will eventually create enormous friction in the relationship. Perhaps it will help you come to terms with it and get ready to come out, which could be good... but it will also create a strain.

    I strongly suggest taking about 20 minutes and watching these two videos by the brilliant researcher and social worker Brené Brown. She talks about how shame affects us, and our ability to be loved and to love... and what we can do to better be able to be open. She doesn't speak to LGBT issues at all in these videos, just an issue that every one of us, of all orientations, races, religions, etc faces.

    [youtube]X4Qm9cGRub0[/youtube]
    [youtube]_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube]

    I really feel like thinking about these things will help you. Again, I'm not suggesting you come out tomorrow; only that you think about the idea that maybe it's not the "all-or-none" thinking you think it is. I know people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s that have struggled with, and overcome these issues. I know people in the deepest southern, most conservative towns that have come out and continued to be successful. Often we get ourselves so stuck in a mindset that we don't even allow ourselves the luxury of considering alternatives... and that's all I'm suggesting you might benefit from doing.
     
  18. 54321john

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    Hi Chip,

    Thanks for the vids.

    Actually, if you look in the right column by my name, you will see that I list my city as Pittsburgh.

    Actually, there are only about 20 or so of us in the Pittsburgh area. There are only a 6 or 7 thousand of us globally.

    My concern is not that I want no one to find out. I am perfectly comfortable with the right people finding out. I know who I am. I don't need to loose 100% of my business to be wiped out. A 5% loss will kill me in this economy.

    I will view your vids.

    Thanks.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jan 2013 at 12:33 AM ----------

    Btw, with respect to all...

    This thread is about how to meet other gays discretely, not putting me on trial for making my own choices. I think we are drifting way off topic.

    The subject of coming out or not should perhaps be handled in a different thread.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jan 2013 at 12:47 AM ----------

    One other thing as well....
    It might not be best to encourage someone to do something against his better judgment if you are not prepared to personally pick up the pieces yourself if he gets injured by your advice. If I do get into financial problems, will the same folks who are advising me to go public be willing to step up and give me money to bail me out of the mess if I get wiped out?
     
  19. photoguy93

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    John, you obviously have had a tough life. I am not sure how old you are.

    But essentially, are you saying that you think we young people come out with no problems? If so, thats total bull. I bet there are 15 year olds on here who have had terrible things happen to them.

    Honestly, there's no care free, easy way to meet guys unless you know a Hollywood makeup artist. I stand by what I said - you have to make a decision. If you don't want to welcome yourself into the community, I don't know what to say.

    I'm not sure what we can post. that could be why people don't say what you want. But if it makes a difference, just find some website. Post what you want. Create things on your own terms. You have the power. Get a hotel. All of that. I domt judge. But don't be mad at us trying to help you.
     
  20. 54321john

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    You are right... Yes, I'm sure young folks do have their problems, too. I was responding to a particular poster who seemed to go out of his way to be insulting.

    I'm not mad at anyone. But, the thread is way off the rails. I acknowledge that this is partially my own fault. There are about 16 responses. 8 of them seem to be directly on topic, and 8 of them are not... mostly lecturing me on why I should come out.

    Again, this is a fair thing to debate. But it's not on topic. There are numerous reasons that someone may want to meet other gays discretely beyond just my reasons. I'm sure that this thread could have relevance to a great many people, like photoguy93, if you care to reread his post. Taking the thread OT makes things more difficult for them, too.

    So many folks have taken the time to be on topic and given really great advice. But, someone searching these forums seeking help in the future will find a thread that has gone way off the rails.

    If you are open and free and out and everything is great, I am genuinely happy for you. Maybe you could generously stay on topic for those of us that feel we could benefit from this very specific discussion. Please. I don 't go O.T. on anyone else's threads.
     
    #20 54321john, Jan 13, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2013