This year I came out to my family. First my mom, then dad, then half-brothers. I am gay. Still working on acceptance. One thing that causes me a lot of pain is my relationship with my dad. He has always shown me love. In the best way he knows how to. I brought my dad up in a post earlier in the year. I wrote about what I believe his sexuality is (gay). I wrote about the possibility of discussing this with my mom. Time has passed and I have opened up about this with my brothers. We have come to the conclusion that it is not my place or theirs to address this matter at all. It is his life, it is my parents marriage. Things that followed my coming out: The night I came out to my dad, we were at a dinner. He gave me a wake up call earlier in the day at lunch. Basically told me him and my mom were not going to be alive forever and that I needed to get closer with my brothers. This hit me hard. I was suddenly shook with fear. We got to dinner and being out of all of the mental obsessions I had to cover up my reality, I became overwhelmed with fear. I think it is because he emotionally abused me growing up, and I started noticing. I went to the bathroom to throw up and tried to return to dinner, but the fear wouldn't go away. I left and sat outside restaurant in the hotel. My mom came out and asked what was wrong. The only thing that made sense at that moment was to tell her I was gay. My dad eventually got up and walked out. I hadn't told him about my sexuality, but he said he knew. He also guessed it another time in middle school when I wasn't even thinking about saying this to him. Anyway, we took a uber back to our hotel. And he started to ask, "so when did you know." But my mom came to my defense and told him to wait. The next day in the airport, he sent a text after I asked where he was. Said something like, "near the coffee shop. Gay" I didn't bring this up at the time because I felt shame. He also asked me if I would take a look at a penthouse magazine. I did and wish I didn't. Having the courage to say no would have paid dividends. When we got back, my mom and dad talked to a councilor. They said it was best to take things slow. And I was still filled with shame. I was isolated. Had pushed friends away because of the shame. And told them I was not really sure about my sexuality. Again, wish I would have stood my ground. In the coming months, he would ask me how I was doing. Referring to my sexuality. When I would brush that question off, I sensed his frustration. I even had a heart to heart conversation with him about another matter and afterward he did the same shit. __ The thing is, I know he accepts me for who I am now. And it is sad because I have seen him in the same position I was and frankly still am in. Afraid and ashamed. I saw this so clearly a month ago on a family vacation and just couldn't take it. Any suggestions and/or support?
Speculating about anyone's sexuality is tricky; remember no one is a mind reader. The first hurdle to coming out is admitting to oneself, and some people never get past that hurdle. And you have to remember your parents grew up in a time of more extreme and legalized homophobia. What you could do is provide some up-to-date info since they (and maybe the counselor) may be getting misinformation. But the actual process of coming out, if your dad is even gay/bi, is all up to him. Focus on what you can control, your own life and your friendships and relationships.
Are you concerned that your dad could be going through something similar being a gay man? Is that why you're concerned with his sexual orientation? If so, what would it mean to you if he admitted to you he was gay?
Jimmy.....I have to agree with @resu - you really need to focus on yourself right now. Finding a therapist who works with the LGBTQ Community would be a great idea. I chose to find a therapist to help me through some tough times and it was a very good choice! When you feel more secure in yourself you'll find that it will be easier to talk to your father. .....David
