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Discouraged by a gift.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kodo, Aug 6, 2018.

  1. Kodo

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    I feel that my family and extended family, particularly, will never come around. Today I received in the mail a birthday gift from my grandparents. In the small box was a ceramic angel statue, a small jeweled mirror, a painting of a bluebird on wood... and two pairs of women's panties. There was a glittery, pink birthday card with a note inside from my grandparents saying how much they loved me and are proud of me. The box was addressed to:

    [Birth Name] (Alec) [Last Name]

    I felt hopeful when reading that they at least addressed the box with my chosen name in parentheses. But I know that is not for my sake, but for the people I live with. My mother at least now addresses my mail with nothing but my chosen name. But no one else does.

    The gift at once acknowledges my transition and firmly refutes it. My grandparents know I'm transitioning, because I publicly came out almost a year ago. Yet this gift is telling me, "Look at yourself in the mirror. You are a woman. Here is some women's underwear to prove it." Everything in the box was feminine. I don't mind the little statue or the painting (a bluebird with a pink background) because I don't believe in gendering items. But it is obvious that their intention was to "remind" me of who I "really" am. And it just hurts. The unacceptance never ends with my family. I'm just really discouraged right now, I guess... It's been almost a year and I've gotten nowhere with them.
     
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  2. Loves books

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    You can't force everyone to accept you only hope that eventually they will. Your grandparents may come around in time and they may not. That might be trying to remind you of who they think you are, but the only person who can truly know you is yourself and you know who you are. I also think it's a little weird for grandparents to give anyone underwear but all my grandparents died before I was 4. It was really insensitive of them to include women's underwear in the gift. Just be who you are and people are just going to have to accept it. Maybe tell them how you feel about the gift or send back the panties with a thanks but no thanks kind of note. It's only been a year give it time.
     
  3. ErickWolf

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    If this helps at all, tell yourself, hey, I'm being my genuine real self, and they can either take it or leave it, and if they leave it, it's their loss. It sucks that they did that (the undies and birth name; I agree that the statue and painting sound cool; art and objects in general don't have to be gendered), but don't let it get you down too much. It's better to live authentically and have some people disagree (as if they have any say in it, and as if it's a choice) than to 'live' fake for the 'acceptance' of people who would only love a fake 'you' and reject the real you. And honestly, if they never come around, the whole thing with their intention is pretty crappy, so if they don't come around it might not be such a loss to you if they don't. That might've sounded harsh or crappy, sorry if it did. But it reminds me of when a gay guy's mom said 'so when are you gonna bring home a nice girlfriend' despite knowing that he's gay. It's rude and crappy. Just my two cents.
     
  4. Linning

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    I would just send the panties back with a card stating.

    " Thanks for the lovely card and presents, sending back the panties as they obviously weren't meant for me, but looking forward to see you at (next family event)!- Alec"
     
    emerry likes this.
  5. emerry

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    And even if you were a woman, why are you supposed to like such things? Glittery pink suff? Are they serious? You're an adult. I agree that grandparents giving you underwear is a little weird.
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    I read your post a few times and the one thing that stood out for me is what they wrote in the card. Yes, the choice of gifts certainly appear to contradict what they wrote, but your grandparents are of a different generation - one that finds change difficult. If you want to reach out to them I would focus on what they wrote, rather than what they bought, because gifts are material things, while words and comments come from an altogether different place.
     
  7. Silveroot

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    Hello.

    I read your post a couple of times and while I understand your frustration, I also sense that your grandparents are simply clueless. They've no idea what it means to be transgender. Think about that, they have no idea how to reconcile the image of Alec with the image of [Birthname] person they thought was a girl.

    What I want to say is that it isn't your fault. And a year might seem like a long time for you, since you rightly need and deserve as much love and aceeptance as you can get, but it's not enough for your grandparents to understand. Some people need more time.

    Perhaps you need to talk to an understanding person about it. They honestly don't understand. They probably think it's something fashionable like a lifestyle choice or something too modern for them to catch on and that eventually the person they thought you were will resurface.

    It's normal to feel like that. Maybe you should come out to them again at some point, with simple words that acknowledges their confusion but makes your thoughts clear.

    It will be alright.
     
    #7 Silveroot, Aug 9, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
    emerry likes this.