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Disappointment

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by regkmc, Jun 2, 2018.

  1. regkmc

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    i think I have made a lot of progress, but I am often hung up in feeling disappointment that I have sexual fantasies about men.

    Is there a point when disappointment shifts to excitement and wonder and embracing and acceptance?
     
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  2. Peterpangirl

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    For me it is not a linear process. Sometimes I am accepting and even feel joy about my sexuality - particularly the sense of wholeness I have when I embrace or acknowledge it - but other times I resent it because I feel it is causing me difficulties I could certainly do without.
     
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  3. BiBarefeet

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    Same for me. Sometimes I "go with the flow" and enjoy homosexual thoughts and feelings and the arousal and excitement that they bring...other times I just think to myself that I cannot be hassled with it and wished that this part of me disappeared so that I could get on with the rest of my life without distraction.
     
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  4. regkmc

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    Sometimes I make up that if I’m troubled by it, and fear that part of me, that fully embracing it is the answer. Could I be this troubled by heterosexual feelings in a gay relationship?

    I make progress and then I retreat to my comfortable heteronormative world. That could mean sleeping with my wife, texting another woman, watching lesbian porn, etc. etc.
     
  5. BiBarefeet

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    I think that there may be an element of guilt and occasional self-shaming involved here. It certainly happens to me sometimes, and on those occasions I just wish that I was straight.
    If I was in a full time 24/7 gay relationship then, having been in a constant discreet one with occasional meets to spend time together and be intimate, I would have various hang ups still - some involving how I feel about how others perceive me being with another guy, and some involving my remaining desire and attraction towards women, which whilst overwhelmed currently by homosexual desires, I'm pretty sure I would crave the love and touch of a beautiful and sexy woman at some point.
     
  6. regkmc

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    I definitely have a lot of shame to work through still. I just can’t believe or don’t want to believe that this is me. And yet it is. And denying that would be lying to myself.

    You, like me, seem to want it all. To fulfill homosexual desires.....not face judgment and maintain the same persona with others.....be desired by beautiful women and enjoy making out with them.....and not uproot or change your life in the process. Does that cover it all?
     
  7. BiBarefeet

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    Lol yeah probably. On the one hand it sounds excessive and indulgent, whilst on the other hand I had no choice in the matter of my sexuality and feel that society forces us to make choices and compromise, and any involvement with one sex should preclude involvement with the other sex. Being bi is in many ways a nightmare.
     
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  8. regkmc

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    I feel the same way. Although, rationally, if my fantasy preference (largely unexplored) is for sex with men, then the logical thing to do would be to pursue a relationship with a man, and get divorced. Continue to be a great dad, friend, and boss. Just date a guy.

    Seems simple.
     
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  9. BiBarefeet

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    Yes, it always sounds simple in theory...I guess I would rather for a while at least stay with my wife and watch my kids grow up as a family unit. But even if I split with my wife one day I would most likely look for another woman for a relationship, and try and find a bi girl for more acceptance, understanding and potentially more fun and adventure.
     
  10. regkmc

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    That’s certainly a major part of what keeps me from committing to a direction. I like the stability that currently exists (even with me in a separate house, I still spend a ton of time at my old house with the kids and wife). Pursuing relationships (for both my wife and I) is a step towards breaking that stability and we both fear it.
     
  11. BiBarefeet

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    I can understand that...and the more times and memories you have together, and times of supporting each other through difficult life events, not to mention the financial ties and everything that you've built up together...then the more difficult it is to separate with your wife over something for which she cannot be held responsible for.
     
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  12. regkmc

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    Yep, all of that. I think there’s something in feeling like....it’s all my fault. My wife....and female affair partner....all wanted to make it work with me.....and I can’t. Because I now jerk it to men. Thought I might be gay when I was 22-23, but nah. And now at 40, here it is. And I can’t ignore it now.

    Then I get into the negative spiral!
     
  13. BiBarefeet

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    I know. I feel like throwing the towel in some days, but that's mainly because my wife is super strong willed and argumentative over virtually anything these days. But other times, I want to keep it going and make a success of it.
    I do sometimes feel that the worse my interactions with my wife became, the more it fuelled my homosexual desires and the need to get away, experience something different, and enjoy some adventure and fantasy fulfilment. But I'm old enough to also know that the grass very often is definitely not greener.
     
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  14. quebec

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    regkmc.....Not being Bi I usually hesitate to comment on things that I sure don't have any experience with. However, from reading posts by a lot of Bi folks here on empty closets for a number of years, I think I can understand at least a little the confusion that could arise. Having attractions to both guys and girls seems like it could easily make life exciting (read that as really confusing and difficult). I have read about people switching back and forth or others who have said that they are more attracted to the personality so that the gender is less important. For me...I'm actually glad that I'm not Bi. I'm quite gay...even though I've been married to a wonderful lady for 40 years on July1st (long story). So I'm in no way disappointed when I have a fantasy about a really hot guy! :old_big_grin:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag: :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #14 quebec, Jun 3, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2018
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