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Difficulty to orgasm during sex?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Chierro, Aug 29, 2020.

  1. Chierro

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    So, I considered posting this under Anonymous but...screw it.

    Basically, I met this guy on an app back in May and we've had a friends with benefits (mostly benefits) situation since then. Usually once a week or every two weeks we've gotten together. And we mesh...super well sexually. I'm insecure about my body, but he happens to be into chubby guys, we have the same interests in bed. All good (mostly).

    I just struggle to orgasm with him, which has been a major bummer for him.

    Usually when we meet up it's a lot of making out, a fair amount of oral on both ends, and then we usually end with anal (him riding me). It's a good arrangement except for the fact that we would both prefer not to have to resort to anal every time to get me to orgasm. There have been times when he's been sucking me and I just went soft. However, anal has always gotten me off except for a time or two (and then I lied and said I did). I'm into what we're doing and I'm into him...so I feel like something's wrong with me.

    And it's not just him. I can count on one hand the number of guys who've gotten me off just from a blowjob. I'd be lying if I said that this fact wasn't a major blow to my sex life.

    Then there's also the situation of the other day when we met up and fooled around in my car. I was close and he wanted to swallow (he's been wanting to forever) and I swear I got the sensation of an orgasm but when he pulled off he said there was no cum.

    So, I'm lost and just want a regular sex life like any other guy. I know different things work for different people but...something just seems off. I'm into what I'm doing and my body just says, "HA! Screw you!"
     
  2. Destin

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    A lot of the time when this happens to people it's because of their masturbation techniques. When guys masturbate with a tight grip it trains their body to only orgasm in similar situations with a tight grip. Anal is a tight grip, and blowjobs are a loose grip (it's also why straight guys love tighter vaginas, it's easier to orgasm that way).

    Supposedly not masturbating for a few months or training yourself to masturbate with a loose grip fixes it.
     
    #2 Destin, Aug 29, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2020
  3. Chierro

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    Well, see, that's something I forgot to mention. I have no grip when I normally masturbate. Instead, I literally rub one out through my boxers. Don't know why, it's just something I did starting in middle school and it's stuck with me since. I can masturbate like any other guy, it just takes a lot longer to get off and I need a lot more stimulation.
     
    Destin likes this.
  4. Mirko

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    I wonder if your usual way of masturbating and orgasm, to which you have become seemingly quite used to, has something to do with it. You could try masturbating without the boxers thus changing the sensations, and perhaps stimulation you need.
     
  5. Chip

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    You might search "KaraBulut" and "masturbation" in our archive. He was our medical advisor, and he wrote about this topic several times. It's been years so I don't remember the details, but I know it did have to do with technique.

    Also, by chance, are you on any medications?
     
  6. Chierro

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    Removing the boxers but rubbing in the same way can get me off as well, I've done it before, just not often. I feel the technique definitely has something to do with it, but at this point I've been doing it for well over 10 years I think, so that's a lot of retraining for my head.
    Will do! Thank you for that!
    I am, and I've considered this before actually. I'm on medication for my epilepsy and it's super finicky. It took us forever to get the dosage just right and even using a generic version screws with me, so I don't have much leeway at all.

    I've looked into that before, though. I've always found it strange that I've gone soft during sex and thought that could potentially be a factor, but I have no comparison. I didn't start to have sex until I was 19 and I got started on my meds about 7-8 months before my first time with another guy.

    It's just super confusing. I can be with a hot guy and love what we're doing but still go soft. But I'll stay horny. I just...can't really get off without anal. Usually, I just get myself off after the guy leaves.
     
  7. Chip

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    So given the medication... I think it's a high likelihood that it is impacting your ability to orgasm. Do you remember if there was a difference in your masturbation experiences before and after you started on the medication (difficulty staying erect, difficulty ejaculating, etc)? That might be an indication, but part of the issue also is, depending on the medication, that tolerance can build over time and so the side effects become more persistent.
     
  8. Chierro

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    There's no difference I can remember, but masturbation hasn't really been an issue. When I want to get off, I can (usually with the help of porn or if I'm Snapping with a guy). However, thinking back to my first time with a guy, I had trouble getting off then even...but that was after I'd finally gotten my medication adjusted just right. I just thought that was because I was only sort of into him...but that could make more sense.

    It's good to know that my medication might be the cause of this...but also not super reassuring since any changes to my meds are pretty much off the table.
     
  9. Chip

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    There may be adaptive strategies you can try, especially by altering your masturbation patterns to be closer to actual sex, slowing down and being more mindful. I'd discuss the issue of medication with your doctor (and/or look up the known side effects) as well. I can understand why changing your medication, at least for the moment, is off the table. Depending on the nature of your epilepsy, some neurologists find that as people get into their higher 20s, they can sometimes be weaned off of medication, or switched to ones with less side effects if that's a problem... as epilepsy symptoms can sometimes improve as people get older, but that's very individualized.
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    2 cents from a non medical professional: Have you tried various other sexual activities to see if some get you more excited than others? Just as we like certain types of food or certain types of clothes and have many individual preferences for things, what we enjoy during sex can be very specific to each of us. So we need to try on clothes or taste different foods to determine what we like (and sometimes we try stuff on or taste stuff that we initially think we don't like only to later find out we do), we also may need to try different sexual actives to find the ones that truly get us excited. And there is nothing wrong if certain activities do not excite you or make you go soft or inhibit your ability to have an orgasm, the idea is to find the ones that do work for you and embrace them!
     
    #10 OnTheHighway, Aug 31, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2020
  11. Chierro

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    I'm definitely not opposed to weaning off eventually, but of course, I'd have to get a new neurologist then. I actually haven't seen one in quite a while. My regular doctor has been keeping track of my med levels in my blood. The most frustrating part of it all is that no one really knows what triggers my epilepsy still, and at my age and job hunting times, I can't afford to be without a license for six months minimum.

    I have been considering discussing the side effects with my doctor, though, I've just also been trying to see if there are any other possibilities to explain why before resorting to medical issues. I'll be getting a new doctor soon anyways, so that should be a fun way to start things off!
    I have actually tried new things lately and it was a surprising experience. My FWB had been asking all summer to top me and I finally caved earlier in the month. At one point he was fingering me and giving me a blowjob and I actually had to push him away because I felt close. That was my far the closest I've gotten from a blowjob with him...however, I wasn't a huge fan of bottoming ultimately.
     
  12. OnTheHighway

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    Well, if you got close with him doing that, why not try again and see what happens? What is it about bottoming that your not a huge fan of?
     
  13. Nickw

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    Hey @Chierro

    I don’t know that this is uncommon. Some guys just don’t get off with oral and sometimes it takes some practice to train your partner.

    I would suggest maybe him trying oral on you while you masturbate. Bring yourself to the point of orgasm and let him finish you off. Have him watch what you do and maybe he can replicate it?

    It took awhile with my FWB to learn what worked on him. This might take a lot of communication too. Give him a lot of feedback.

    One thing you mentioned is that when the guy leaves you can get yourself off. I wonder if anxiety is playing into this? Performance anxiety is a real thing. There are tricks to getting over this. Maybe you spend more time in foreplay and maybe sometimes that’s all you do till you are comfortable without having to perform?
     
  14. DangerAlex

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    I think this is probably the problem, which, if the case, is surely frustrating because it's a medication you have to take. I can sympathize... I've been on several medications for quite some time, and they immediately affected my libido and ability to climax during sexual activity.

    My advice is to just work around the problem. In your original message, you stated that you climax pretty regularly while bottoming. I'd be willing to bet that it's the prostate stimulation that's helping you along because it's the same for me: I have difficulty achieving orgasm from genital stimulation alone, but when combined with anal sex, I can achieve orgasm about 75 percent of the time.

    If you're going to continue this arrangement with your FWB, my advice would be to have a very frank discussion with him before your next encounter. Be upfront with him about things. Whether or not it's your epilepsy medication that's making orgasm difficult to achieve, you said that your FWB gets discouraged by how irregularly you climax, so explain to him that (a) you're experiencing a physiological complication that you're still figuring out and (b) there are certain things he can do to help make your orgasms more consistent, like anal sex. If he's aware that you're unlikely to climax from manual or oral stimulation in general, then he won't have this expectation when he performs those acts on you, which will mitigate some -- though probablt not all -- of his disappointment.

    Also, I think you should talk to your doctor about this immediately. I brought up my low libido to my doctor on multiple occasions, so we started testing certain things and eventually discovered that not only do my medications affect my sex drive but I also have low testosterone, which required me to start seeing a urologist. But I would never have known about that if I hadn't talked to my doctor about it. Most importantly, even if I had somehow known about my low testosterone, there would've been no way for me to address it on my own. In short, I think it's very possible that there's something else causing these sexual issues that you're having, something that you probably wouldn't be able to figure out without medical assistance.

    Hopefully this helps.
     
  15. Ram90

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    I am able to relate to this 100%. I'm so used to masturbation and pleasuring myself (Because of being the closet for years and years), that, I noticed when I got intimate (Last Year) with a few guys, I got hard, but never got an orgasm no matter how they tried. Regardless of the stroking technique or the "passion", I would go soft. But when we would lay side-by-side and masturbate ourselves, presto, it happened.

    I think I got used to masturbation, too used to it maybe, to an extent where I need to do it myself to be able to orgasm. Not sure if that's the same case for you, but I thought I'd share anyway.