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Did your expectations match reality when coming out to family/friends?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by codeylimes, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. codeylimes

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    Speaking in terms of their reactions when you came out. Like: did you expect them to be upset but they weren't, or vice versa?

    Because... I've been thinking about coming out for a while... but I haven't brought myself to do it. In part I think it's because when a close friend of mine came out years back, her parents did not react well at all, and helping her deal with that was heartbreaking enough for me, the idea of my family reacting that way is terrifying...

    And logically, I feel like... most of them would be okay with it, and support me, and love me, and it'd be a big weight off my back. But I'm not really sure about my dad. He's sort of on the conservative side, and while he's sorta alright with homosexuality "existing" I'm not really sure how he'd feel about his own daughter...

    I really want to believe he'd love me anyways, but I'm just not certain. I have the same feelings to a lesser degree about my older sister and a couple of other extended family members. And... I feel like my friends would all support me 100% too, but I haven't told any of them either.

    I'm just terrified of incorrectly judging what their reactions may be and have things not work out. I'm not really in a position where I can afford that. But I also want their support, and I want to let them know... I think I'm being too paranoid, but I'd like to hear other people's experiences I guess.
     
  2. Lightsaberpearl

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    So I've had to come out multiple times over different things so here goes:

    1) before I realized I was nonbinary and pan, I thought I was a lesbian. I told my mom that- who has repeatedly told my brother and I that she'd love is no matter what- and she was fine with it and said she'd take me to a teen LGBTQ support group every week.
    My dad was also accepting and my brother (although quite shocked that I could be gay) was also cool with it, which was more or less what I expected

    2) When I came out as nonbinary I was worried my family would say it's not real or say my pronouns were grammatically incorrect. I was especially worried about my mom grammar wise because she's a huge English nerd. My mom originally voice concerns about grammar but told me "that my comfort was more important than her idea of grammar) and she's the best one of my family when it comes to using names and pronouns.
    My brother was cool with it, and my dad while supportive has/is really struggling with the name and pronouns change but he's getting better.

    I've come out to my friends and I was pretty certain that it would go well since the friends I'm close enough to feel safe coming out to are all LGBTQ and I was right.

    Coming out to my extended family did give me a lot of worries but they were all so cool and supportive it was kind of mind blowing.

    I hope the people you come out to if you ever decide to do it (remember: your safety is maximum priority and you shouldn't feel pressured to come out if you feel unsafe) are supportive :slight_smile:
     
  3. okccpdude

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    I expected my family to be upset, but they totally blew away my expectations in terms of how upset they were. My dad chasing me away from the house screaming at me how God hates me, all while I am in tears. "Cry you pathetic sissy f-ggot cry! God's laughing at you!" keeps ringing in my mind over and over again.

    I am now back in the closet after having attempted conversion therapy unsuccessfully. I am not sure I have what it takes to come out again.
     
  4. Lightsaberpearl

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    Oh my god.... I'm so sorry that happened to your that's so horrible... :icon_sad:
     
  5. brightm

    brightm Guest

    I came out to my best friend (online), having NO idea what her or her family's views were, and since she's from the south i just expected the worst, and she pretty much said: "oh. i mean to be honest i'm a whatever-the-f-sexual. omg you scared me i thought someone died or something."

    So that was. Interesting. But I'm glad lol.
     
  6. kibou97

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    Actually not really. I assumed I would get a ton of questions from my family but I haven't gotten really any. There were 2 mormon relatives I assumed would give me hell but instead of that, they just act like my sexuality doesn't exist which, while that's better than what I thought would happen, I still hate.
     
  7. codeylimes

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    Thanks all for the responses. I'm really sorry about your experience, okccpdude, that sounds like my worst nightmare. It's so saddening that things like that still happen, coming from people who should be supporting you no matter what.

    It's reassuring though, to hear that those of you who expected neutral/positive responses were correct in your assumptions, or even pleasantly surprised. To be honest for some of my family I'm expecting them not to talk much about it, or ask questions- they're not really like that. Mostly, I fear being sort of... quietly shunned, or ignored.

    brightm, I've also been considering coming out to an online friend! I'm just trying to figure out how to breach the topic with her. We're pretty close, and we've talked about some pretty deep stuff before, but talking sexuality doesn't come naturally to me, I guess. I'm glad to hear it went alright for you.

    As an update, the chance recently arose for me to tell one of my sisters. I figured of all my family she'd be the most supportive, and thankfully I was correct. She's encouraging me to at least come out to my mom as well, which I think I'll do soon... I'm still nervous, but more because I don't want to upset her or anything. I think she'd be ok with it, she'd just worry about me more. My dad, and my oldest sister, and the rest of my extended family... I think I'll wait a while on. But I'm feeling a lot less nervous now that I've told someone I know.
     
  8. 333RosyLily

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    I can sympathize. I'm also terrified. I've come out to very few people, but I feel like I'm living a double life: one in which I feel like a lesbian, and the other in which everyone perceives me as straight. I guess the only way to know is just to do it.

    I've also been biting off small pieces, as it were. Taking my time and telling one friend, and letting it sink in, then taking another small bite by telling someone else. That way, you can do things over time and it's less overwhelming.

    I hope that helps.

    (( hugs ))

    Rosa
     
  9. Bubbletea

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    I came out to my bff first and I invited her over and we talked and drank vodka as we usually do and then suddenly she said "but I came here for a reason so what is it that you wanted to tell me" and ofcourse I was postponing it for hours and choked up. She then went to the bathroom and I texted her that I was tg. She came back with big round eyes just looking at me. Then she hugged me and said it didnt matter. Then she took out her nail polish and started doing my nails while she was talking about how in retrospect she kinda already knew since she was a secual assault victim and she felt safe with me (and doesnt with men). So, she needed a few weeks to adjust ofcourse but now everything is fine.

    My girlfriend was a whole other story. She was super excited at first but after a few days she realised what it ment for our relationship and its been a living hell ever since (6 months now) and although we love eachother to death this still is the hardest thing in the world.

    2 other friends responded excited too so I guess Im lucky. Parents dont know yet.