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Did you overcome hopelessness?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sabrinaa, Feb 16, 2020.

  1. sabrinaa

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    I need some encouraging stories from you or maybe someone you know.

    Did it ever work out somehow? Did you finally met someone after you gave up hope? Do I need to keep hope? Do I need to keep going? Should I just put it out of my mind? What worked for you?

    I got to say, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I am really good at achieving lots of goals except when it comes to romance. I've been alone my entire life. At this point I feel like it's life's big old joke on me! I am 30 years old and I am a virgin, a true virgin. Never even been kissed. I don't know whats wrong with me. People say i'm cute, people think i'm funny and I feel like I am well liked by most. I don't know what it is? I don't know what i'm missing? What i'm doing wrong. I'm ready to quit.

    I am so afraid to end up alone forever. I cannot bear the thought, the embarrassment! I feel like a complete failure! I don't want to go down that dark hole again, but it's tough. I really can't go on feeling so unloved. I've tried! I DO love myself! I have hobbies! I volunteer! I'm trying! I'm trying! I'm trying! BUT I still feel empty! I HATE MYSELF for being so WEAK! for needing love! I want to be independent and be okay, but I can't help but feel like a complete failure.

    Sorry for the rant. I'm normally petty mentally strong, it just gets heavy sometimes, and I need to let it out. I'll come to my senses and bounce back, in the meantime I would just LOVE to hear some encouraging stories of hope if you have any! Reasons to not quit! It would be really helpful right now!
     
  2. Velma

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    Sabrinaa, I think a lot of us on here are dealing with difficult situations in our relationships, or lack thereof. I only bring this up to say that my current situation is not very inspiring. But we love each other very much. My husband is my rock, and my north star. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease about two years after we lost my mother to Parkinson's. I mean, cosmically, what are the chances? Ya know?? I've been unable to work for a few years, due to dealing with some of my own health issues. And the icing on the cake is I woke up one day, a few years ago, and realized that I am super gay.

    Now, at this point, you're probably saying, 'Damn, Velma, I asked for happy stories of encouragement!!' I promise you I don't think that my life is any better or worse than yours, or more or less complicated. I'm just saying, woman, you are not alone. We've all got stuff.

    It sounds like you are pretty even keeled, and have a healthy love for yourself, which is very important. Are you perhaps afraid to commit, or just afraid to fail?? Nobody is perfect, and you don't have to try to be, you know? Are you bi or lesbian, or do you know? It's perfectly ok if you don't. One of the things I am learning is that 'I don't know' is a valid answer. To many questions, not just when we're discussing our sexuality. Also, I don't know how you feel about this, but therapy can be another tool in your arsenal. It helps to be able to speak with someone who can be objective.

    And lastly, you are not a failure! You are human. And I don't care what anyone else tells you, but know this: you are enough.
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! The fear of ending up alone forever is real and a very common one. As we crave connection with others, it is natural to feel that it will never work out in particular when nobody seems to be on the horizon or dating, or relationships have not worked out.

    Reading over how you described yourself, I would say you have a healthy self-esteem and can take things on the lighter side - qualities that are attractive. You are doing the right things by being out there. I would suggest based on what you mentioned (and perhaps you are doing it already) is to try being part of some social groups, specifically LGBTQ+ related social groups - if at all possible. That could help in finding someone with whom it clicks and leads to a few dates, or perhaps more. Not sure if you have checked out Meetup.com, which is usually a good place to start; failing that, maybe try searching for LGBTQ+ groups in your city or general area and see what comes.

    I have dated a few guys and had a boyfriend - all of which didn't really turn out the way I hoped; while at first I felt down, and found myself in a similar spot as you are at the moment, I have come to embrace my singles life which has also taught me a few things about myself, that otherwise I might not have learned, or come to understand. I realised that I need somebody who is as introverted as I am and has their life together, is vulnerable, honest (including with themselves) and can take things on the lighter side as well. And yes... there are some (who are in a relationship) that are somewhat envious when I tell them that I am single and pretty much do what I want without needing to consult somebody, consider their needs, etc... That said, I do have my moments, where I long to have a relationship.

    I don't think it is embarrassing at all - to be honest.

    One thing that has helped me to keep a perspective on where things are at, is to leave the door open to possibilities, and even let things be up to chance. I have learned that trying to force something, or wanting something too much, blinds me to what's happening in front of me. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Devil Dave

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    I get this as well. People telling me how good looking I am, and they can't believe I haven't been snatched up.

    And it doesn't make me feel good or confident when people say that, it actually depresses me.
    It feels like they are putting me on a pedestal, and I don't want to be on a pedestal. I'm not perfect, and I'm very aware of my imperfections, and when somebody tries to big me up by telling me how good looking and lovely I am, it tells me they really don't know me, and if they did, they'd probably yank that pedestal right from under me without hesitation and leave me flat on my ass.

    One of the things that makes me seem like such a sweet person is my patience. I like living my life at a slow pace and not feeling the urge to rush off and do anything exciting. That might be off-putting to some guys who date me, they think I seem really nice, but then find out I'm not very active and don't have lots of exciting adventures to talk about. So if I'm going to have a boyfriend, he needs to appreciate those qualities about me. I am open to romance if it does occur, I'm not living in hope or despair. I just have a shit load of patience.
     
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  5. sabrinaa

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    Thanks! I appreciate you sharing your story Velma. It's easy to get stuck in your own mind and forget that we all have things going on too. Not that anyone has it better or worse, just that we are all making our way through life together!

    I think you hit the nail on the head. I may be both afraid to commit and fail.

    To answer your question about sexuality. I do sometimes question myself only because I have never been with a woman (or man), but I identify as lesbian. I have been to therapy in college and it was so helpful with certain issues in my life, but I never told my therapist about my sexuality! I feel like if I did, it would have unlocked so many more doors. I think a lot of the things blocking me are all connected to my semi-closeted lifestyle. I think I really should try it again. It's just scary because it takes a lot more effort to seek a therapist. When I was in school it was so easily accessible and the cost was close to nothing.

    Thank you, you gave me some really kind words of encouragement. I appreciate it!
     
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  6. sabrinaa

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    This is a really nice way of looking at things! "let things be up to chance".

    YES! I think thats a good idea. I should look for some LGBT+ related groups. I don't really get involved with anything like that and I feel like that is a lot of the reason why I can't seem to meet anyone. I grew up in a place that was not super queer friendly or welcoming and now I I live in an extremely queer friendly neighborhood. I thought just moving would help, but showing up is not helping me meet anyone. I need to actually get involved. It's scary, but I have to try. Thanks for your input!
     
  7. Mirko

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    It can definitely be scary - in my experience most LGBTQ+ social groups, or friendly groups also establish a 'safe space policy' or have something in place to make everybody feel welcome. Hopefully living in the friendly neighbourhood will help to find something that you can join and feel comfortable with. The first couple of times might feel scary and you might feel unsure; the more you try and attend the more comfortable you might become. Let us know how it goes . :slight_smile:
     
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  8. silverhalo

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    Hey I've been in a similar postition so I totally get it. I was a couple of years younger than you but not much, like you I'd never been kissed or anything and I felt for sure there was something wrong with me. I know it is really tough to keep believing etc but there will be someone out there for you. It doesn't matter how many times it hasn't worked out in the past all you need is one to work out and I promise you it will be worth it.
     
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  9. sabrinaa

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    Thank you! That makes me feel really good hearing that!
     
  10. Linning

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    Hi OP,

    I think your fear are normal but I think once you get yourself out there, genuinely, you will realize that your fears are mostly unfounded and that, no, like most, you likely won't end up alone forever.

    Like others have said, it seems like you are in the perfect place to meet someone and that you know your worth and that you do have things to bring to the table. The question now is, how active are you within the LGBT community? Are you on dating apps? Do you go on dates? (and if so how do they go/what is the dynamic/what are the issues etc...?) do attend LGBT events?

    I know plenty of people have the dream of meeting people in random situations and naturally falling in love and I will let you know that I have met love interests in very random/casual situation like the shopping mall or train station so it can happen BUT statistically it is more likely to happen for straight people than lesbians, especially if you live in a smaller town. Going where the lesbians are and putting yourself out there even when you don't want to/fear to, is paramount to having the highest chance of success of meeting someone.

    I used to be incredibly shy and the thought of talking to strangers, terrified me. As a result dating was hard, but I have got myself out there and one of the best way I have found to meet woman is to go out on your own to a lesbian event/party.

    I know it sounds terrifying but I have never met as many people as I have since I have started going out on my own.

    When you go on your own you have to spark up conversation, you are also more accessible to others than when you happen to be in a group and people are more likely to talk to you, and once you start doing it, it's pretty much second nature.


    I have met plenty of great girls that way, not going to lie because they have mostly been one night stands BUT I have met a few people of interests that way too.

    Now I can go to an event on my own and almost always bump into someone I know from a former event who in turn will introduce me to friends they are with I don't know and it just opens up plenty of doors to meet great women organically.

    Your situation isn't hopeless, it's just a work in progress! :slight_smile:
     
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  11. silverhalo

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    Well if you ever want to chat let me know. :slight_smile:
     
  12. zuice

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    Greta Garbo lived alone for most of her life. Whatever space you are in, embrace it.
    Cultivate friendships. Interesting that being alone is a negotiating part of members in a relationship. I live alone and have learned to appreciate my time with friends. The time that I have with myself prepares me to be kind to others.