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Did you make a point to come out? Or not?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Jan 12, 2020.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m thinking about how to approach things and wondered how many later in lifers made a point to come out to significant people in their lives (not including spouses and children). By “point”, I mean a
    conversation, text, email or whatever, with the express intention of coming out.

    For the most part, I really don’t think people will want to know or particularly care.

    So, did anyone take the approach of mentioning it only when it became relevant? Such as, only telling parents when they got to the point of having somebody that was a regular feature in their life and they wanted to introduce them.
     
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  2. Dreamsexul

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    No, my wife and I had to make a point of it as we had to tell everyone we weren't living as a traditional married couple and had separate love lives. Because we had to explain why my wife was being seen with her boyfriend we had to explain the whole thing.

    If it hadn't been kinda forced on me in that way, I'm not sure I'd have made a special effort to come out - might have just lived my life and let people figure me out as and when. I dunno.
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes. I really feel that I shouldn’t have to come out, and as most people don’t really care, I’ll just be and see what happens.
     
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  4. Dreamsexul

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    I guess there's a difference between making an effort to come out - like an announcement - and just living open, out and honest.

    I've found it a mix of empowering and awkward to be out, but mostly positive. I don't think I'd want to be in the closet in RL (online is perhaps a different story). But that's not the same as making a special effort to tell people.

    Of course, turning up to work or the pub cross dressed does sort of prompt a few questions, lol :slight_smile:
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes, that’s what I mean - there’s a difference between making a special effort to tell people and just being out/open/honest.

    If most people won’t care (which I appreciate is a fortunate situation to be in), it seems odd to make a point to tell them. Better to mention it in conversation when it’s relevant (if ever), than make it into a big deal.
     
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  6. OGS

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    I suppose I didn't really come out later in life. I've been out for almost thirty years. But I told my parents and then everyone else, even my siblings, just kind of found out. To be honest I kind of wish I had had the conversation with one of my sisters, because we sort of ended up having "the conversation" later on and I hadn't really realized how difficult it had been for her. But other than that I thought just letting it emerge was fine, although I'm a pretty open guy so it really wasn't long at all until I felt like everyone knew...

    The one thing that sort of gives my pause is the note you make about telling people when it's relevant (if ever). If you really feel there are people who are actually in your life for whom it will never be relevant I think there may be a bit of self-deception going on. I feel like a lot of people get in this mindset that it's about their sex life, which really isn't relevant in most settings. It can lead to a lot of self-censoring that really isn't about your sex life it's about feeling like you just can't be open with certain people. I think can undermine a lot of what I think of as the benefit of "being out."
     
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  7. Mysteria

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    I'm in the midst of the process right now, and so far, I have made a point of having a conversation with important people in my life. I knew the people I've done it with would care very deeply and would see me as being dishonest if I had kept it a secret. Once I'm done coming out to my family I'll probably post a "coming out post" on Facebook and let whatever happens happen as far as everyone else goes.
    I'm a very open person and it feels like deception to me, especially now that I have a girlfriend I'm serious about, to not tell them. In the case of my children, I worry about them finding out in some other way. Things like this always get around. I would hate for someone in my life who I care about to find out through Facebook or the local gossip or whatever.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    For me I made a point of telling people but thats because thats because I am not a fan of the grey area and knowing something about myself and starting to be honest with people on EC and then other people in real life started to make it harder to have other people in my life who didnt know. To begin with it was fine but then the more people that knew, the harder it became for me to have people that didnt know.
    It wasn't so much that people really wanted to know or were shocked or anything, I guess it was more for my peace of mind than theirs.
    Everyone is different though, no right or wrong way as you know, just whatever you feel more comfortable with.
     
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  9. MsAnchor

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    Hi Lostindaydreams, I understand the need to announce it and i have been there too. Im not sure how the culture is or the dynamics of the society you are in works around this issue so these factors may play a strong role here, I thought that i needed to completely hide it but then found the telling the dearest and the closest who understood was enough. Two siblings, a cousin, three friends and my life coach was adequate to acknowledge my preference in my private world. My partner's is an expat and most of her immediate family know and support us and that is more than enough.
    We both come from ethnicity with strong faith and somewhat traditional family values so announcing from the rooftops would not work nor is it something we re comfortable doing so this is more than we have hoped for.
    I hope this helps <3
     
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  10. Peterpangirl

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    This is how I felt, although I am not sure whether I'd want to make a specific announcement on social media. So far I have just come out to people one by one.
     
  11. CatWho

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    This is a good question and one I've been thinking about quite a bit. First off, I'm really afraid to come out. When I stress over the thought of doing it, I think, why do I have to?? I'm an adult and can live my life however I want. The thing is that this causes me to distance myself from the people close to me. I don't want to be distant, just to create space for me to be me. The second thing about this is that by not coming out, I'm also afraid to live the way I want to and explore this part I me that I've suppressed for so long. My hope is that I find the courage to get out and meet people and start to be a part of the lgbtq community. Once I do, it may be easier to bring it up casually to friends and family....I hope? Part of me does want to let it out and tell someone though, just so that someone knows and I am not in this place alone.
    So, I guess it really depends on what you personally need to feel comfortable. Clearly, I'm still trying to figure that out.
     
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  12. silverhalo

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    You will figure out what is right for you. I think sometimes coming out can almost feel like asking for permission but it isnt that. For me I think telling people was part of my journey of finding acceptance but I appreciate that people situations and enviroments can mean different approaches are needed.

    I promise it gets easier.
     
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  13. Contented

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    At the very beginning of my journey to accepting and embracing my homosexuality I was embarrassed to admit I was gay. I felt like people would judge me for years of pretending heterosexuality. What I found as I got more comfortable was that I wanted people to know I was gay, out and proud. I don’t mean I started preaching on the street corner or acting camp but rather being open about my sexuality without excuse, shame or guilt. It was such a heady experience to actually say I was gay out loud to people. Deal with it. If you have a problem with it, the problem is yours not mine.
     
    #13 Contented, Jan 14, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
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  14. Dreamsexul

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    Yaaaaas! That's the kind of attitude I like :slight_smile:
     
  15. Benway

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    I didn't "come out" of my own volition. I was put in a position where I was backed into a corner and forced to come out. After said position dissipated, everyone seemed to forget I was queer, except for a few people. I'd rather nobody knew except my parents and my brother and maybe a few friends but now the whole town can basically look me up and know I'm queer and that really bothers me. It's part of why I resent my sexuality so much.
     
  16. silverhalo

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    Hey I am really sorry that you got put in that postition, that must have been really hard. Have you ever had any therapy regarding this and your sexuality?
     
  17. Rade

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    I'm out to everyone and no longer care what people think. Though at the start I had a gently gently approach. But virtually two years later it just comes up in conversation with people I meet along the way. I'm very open but most people don't really care, it's not important to them.
     
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  18. Benway

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    I am in therapy, but have gotten no helpful insight regarding my sexuality other than MAYBE I'm a deeply closeted transgender person who doesn't even know they're transgender. But as I've stated before, even if I am transgender, I'm not going to transition. It's bad enough I'm queer, I'm sure that's very hard on my father knowing his oldest son will probably never continue the family name, but I'm not about to make it even worse on my family by saying "Guess what? I'm a girl, now!" Because I'd laugh at myself every time I looked in the mirror after transitioning. I can't afford to transition anyway and I'm too old to be an attractive girl.

    But I digress. I've been reading books about magic lately, and it seems to me a lot of what's brought up in therapy is based on ancient magical techniques, things like cognitive behavioral therapy (reframing thoughts) is an old magical technique, breathing techniques they teach you in therapy are based on magic, even things like sigils and servitors are basically just positive thinking and putting forward unconscious thought to get what you want done. Meditation? It all comes from the Hindu religious version of yoga (not the same kind of yoga you do at a yoga studio but it is similar). And what I'm finding in reading these books is that this stuff that I've been taught in therapy over the years that never clicked with me in a clinical sense is clicking with me in a magical sense for some reason that I can't explain. Maybe it's because I'm distantly related to a golden age science fiction writer who was heavily into the occult, I'm not sure.
     
  19. CatWho

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    Thanks for the encouragement :slight_smile: It does kind of feel like asking for permission.
     
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  20. silverhalo

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    I dont think it matters where you find the information that can make things click as long as you find it. All of our brains work in different ways so finding out more about how your works can only be a good thing.
    WHen you are trying to figure out your truth I dont think you should think about the consequences of what that truth might mean. I am not saying that you should change your mind and come out or anything. I just think you should work out what your truth is and then once you know your truth you can decide how to proceed with that information.