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Did my ex have Asperges Syndrome or Autism?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by flikflak1, Mar 13, 2019.

  1. flikflak1

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone,

    I have posted in a previous thread that I have recently come out of a toxic relationship. I am now getting to the point post- break up (that happened around 14 weeks ago) that I've recovered from the devastation of it all. He was very cruel to me on occasions and he would often say that he didn't know what was going on in his head. Could it be possible that he had some form of asperges syndrome or autism?

    For a start, he was very rude and unthoughtful towards me on numerous occasions. Many of his comments to me upset me. He could never accept he was in the wrong. If I criticised him for something that upset me, he would always throw it back at me. For example, I recall him telling me after a weekend that he wanted to 'go home' and at one point said I was 'no more of an imperfect boyfriend' than he was.

    He was unfaithful, I was always faithful. I caught him lying to me and gaslighting me on numerous occasions. I however, had my heart in the relationship at all times. He could never see that. The only time he could accept he was in the wrong was when I caught the messages on his phone from another man and confronted him. He promised so much to me but couldn't deliver on his promises.

    More devastatingly, he wanted to talk about other men in the bedroom and when I said no, he would go in a fowl mood (to a point of making me cry) and begin yelling at me because 'he liked doing that'; that being talking about other men during sex. Morally, it's incorrect. He would not respect my wishes by refusing to talk about other men during our sex life. It was a massive problem for me and I found it disrespectful. He could never see this. He could also never take a complement and never wanted to be told by me he looked nice.

    On a more positive note, his memory was extraordinary. His mother even told me once that he has had a very good memory from a very early age.

    He also had strong, narrow minded interests. He was obsessed with doing well in his job and could remember everything about it. He was also a gamer and was obsessed with making sure that on a Sunday he left me and ran home to get the train so he could game. Once I got a new job and he wouldn't cancel his plans to celebrate with me. Instead, his gaming had to be moved... but I had a choice in when he could move his time slot too. That being said, he should've celebrated with me all weekend and canceled all plans.

    We were long distance for a while and every weekend I would drive four hours to see him. If he hadn't finished gaming when I arrived, I had to wait. Yet, I had just driven four hours to be with him. He also wanted to game and edit videos whilst we were on holiday and would say just because he didn't game as much when he came to see me, he was being a good boyfriend. When I said on holiday I didn't want him to edit videos and spend time with me instead, he would say 'It's my holiday too. If I want to edit and play games, then I will.'

    Every Sunday morning was rushed because he had to get this specific train and if he missed it, he would be annoyed. Very annoyed. There was a routine too to his life. He was once in a fowl mood because his workplace changed his rota and that would mean him working in a different place and getting up just 30 minutes earlier.

    He also wouldn't disclose a lot about his life with me. He would say he had a problem, but when I asked what it was to try and help him, he would snap at me and say 'don't mention it... I told you not to!' He would then say that I didn't need to know everything about his life. That wasn't nice to hear as a boyfriend.

    He very much struggled in social situations and spoke to me often in a very patronising and derogatory tone. He thought it was acceptable and couldn't see that his attitude towards me was rotten. He used to make excuses for never calling me and often complained about having no friends. Yet, he didn't seem to understand how friendship works and said his social life was all online.

    He has since cut me out of his life. Yet, he cried when I said if we split we couldn't be friends. If he's reading this, just rest assured, I am willing to forgive. I'm here at the end of the phone if you need me and I hope you get the help you need... not matter how badly you treated me. Maybe you couldn't help it. And the internet has helped me understand why.
     
    #1 flikflak1, Mar 13, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2019
  2. resu

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    I was going to respond to your other thread because it seemed like you and your ex just had different relationship expectations. He seemed very introverted and not specifically trying to coerce you as is the case with many gaslighters. Again here, I think your evidence for autism is possible, but not that clear. If you really want to know, you should ask him rather than "diagnosing" him.

    However, I think all this guessing and reevaluations could get you stuck in the past. If you had clear red lines and he crossed it, that's enough for you to end the relationship. Try instead to focus on yourself as a single man and your future. Spend time with your friends/family, and go do activities you love or that you always wanted to do but were busy trying to salvage this relationship.
     
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  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    First a clarification: Asperger's was eliminated from the DSM in the most recent edition (DSM-5). Instead, it is now simply considered part of the autism spectrum.

    That said, you haven't given enough info to definitively say whether he is on the autism spectrum, nor would anyone be able to say with any confidence based on a description over the internet. However, from what you are describing, it sounds a lot more like he's just an asshole than his being on the autism spectrum. A number of things you indicated aren't part of the typical symptoms of autism, and simply point to someone who is extremely self-centered, possibly on the narcissism spectrum.
     
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