Okay so this is one of the things that kind of hold me back. I know it is a crazy thought, but this thought haunts me and I can't get it out. I sometimes fear that I made myself think I am lesbian. I liked women before, but not this much, not in this way. I liked women in a regular "she is so pretty" kind of way. I did find women attractive. I did kind of think "oh it would be nice to kiss a girl (no one specific)" but that is about it, that is as gay as my thoughts got. With men, I liked men. I was not crazy about men, but I did want a boyfriend and I wanted a husband eventually. I just never dated guys because I could not find a guy I was attracted to that was also attracted to me. I was/am very picky. It makes me wonder; is there no such thing as the right guy? Is it actually a girl? or do I only think I am gay BECAUSE I am single and can't find the right guy? If we are talking about the present; I really like women. I like women a lot, I want to be with a women. I know I like women and I would like a girlfriend. Basically, the way I used to feel about men is the way I now feel about women. My attraction to men is very very low when compared to my attraction to women. I think If I did not watch lesbians on tv and the internet I would not feel the same way today. I think I am a lesbian because I watch this and think; "I really want to have that" "I really want her" "I really like it a lot" "that is so hot". However; If I was not exposed to that I probably would not be thinking about it now. I just fear that by exposing myself to these things and allowing my mind to explore I made myself gayer than before. I know this kind of sounds horrible "making yourself gay" but I can't help that this is where my mind is going and this is where I am stuck. I can't stop feel like I will move past this and things would go back to the way they were. It is just strange, I NEVER thought I would be a lesbian and now here I am admitting I would like to date a woman. I want to be with a woman, but I don't want to be a lesbian. I am self aware, I see what I am doing and how I am hurting myself by not just allowing myself to live and accept feelings without over analyzing them. I wish I could just accept whomever it is I am. I wish I could free myself from these conflicting, confusing, horribly painful thoughts, but I can't.