Okay so this is one of the things that kind of hold me back. I know it is a crazy thought, but this thought haunts me and I can't get it out. I sometimes fear that I made myself think I am lesbian. I liked women before, but not this much, not in this way. I liked women in a regular "she is so pretty" kind of way. I did find women attractive. I did kind of think "oh it would be nice to kiss a girl (no one specific)" but that is about it, that is as gay as my thoughts got. With men, I liked men. I was not crazy about men, but I did want a boyfriend and I wanted a husband eventually. I just never dated guys because I could not find a guy I was attracted to that was also attracted to me. I was/am very picky. It makes me wonder; is there no such thing as the right guy? Is it actually a girl? or do I only think I am gay BECAUSE I am single and can't find the right guy? If we are talking about the present; I really like women. I like women a lot, I want to be with a women. I know I like women and I would like a girlfriend. Basically, the way I used to feel about men is the way I now feel about women. My attraction to men is very very low when compared to my attraction to women. I think If I did not watch lesbians on tv and the internet I would not feel the same way today. I think I am a lesbian because I watch this and think; "I really want to have that" "I really want her" "I really like it a lot" "that is so hot". However; If I was not exposed to that I probably would not be thinking about it now. I just fear that by exposing myself to these things and allowing my mind to explore I made myself gayer than before. I know this kind of sounds horrible "making yourself gay" but I can't help that this is where my mind is going and this is where I am stuck. I can't stop feel like I will move past this and things would go back to the way they were. It is just strange, I NEVER thought I would be a lesbian and now here I am admitting I would like to date a woman. I want to be with a woman, but I don't want to be a lesbian. I am self aware, I see what I am doing and how I am hurting myself by not just allowing myself to live and accept feelings without over analyzing them. I wish I could just accept whomever it is I am. I wish I could free myself from these conflicting, confusing, horribly painful thoughts, but I can't.
I can relate because I have had similar thoughts. But I think seeing lesbians in media made you think of things you already wanted, not made you want something you would never have wanted otherwise. I hope that makes sense. It's really embarrassing to admit this but years ago I stumbled across a bizarre radical "feminist" website that said women can make themselves lesbians. And even though I didn't think that was true I started thinking to myself "Well, maybe I made myself a lesbian by fantasizing too much." No matter how silly that sounds I really think it sometimes so I can totally relate. But when I think rationally I don't think there was some switch in my brain that I flipped and suddenly I wasn't straight anymore.
I suspect that some of my life experiences influences me to be mostly gay rather than dead center bi. But, at this point, I'm not sure the why am I gay question matters. To me at this point, it's kind of a neutral fact. I said elsewhere in the forum, if I really wanted to know what country my microwave was manufactured in, I could spend time researching it. But... why? Still my microwave. I'm still OK with it. Not worth big chunks of my time, but if I want to look into it, no harm done.
I think it is natural to experience some insecurity as we are immersed in a strong, constant flow of hetero society, and we are working to build our confidence that we are strong enough to be different and be out. I have definitely experienced that. I've wondered if I am "bi enough." Then I'll see a hot guy and a hot girl in the same crowd and think... okay, yeah, I'm bi. LOL. I think we should allow ourselves some leeway, given how hard it still is to come out.
I ask myself the same thing sometimes. I really like seing lesbian couples on tv, sometimes i could watch a show just for this reason. I find women attractive, more than men and yet i wonder if i would feel this way have i not starting to watch the L word (which open the door to all other show with lesbian i watched)
Re: Katchoo, Haha I like the microwave analogy. That's a good way to look at it, I suppose it is best I work on not worrying about how something happened and instead just accept what I feel now. Thanks everyone for your responses. It is incredibly comforting knowing that I am not the only one who has felt this way. I felt like I was going crazy. I really hate doubting myself because I work so hard in other areas of my life and understand so much of myself except when it comes to my sexual orientation. I just need to focus on whatever it is I feel right now. It's hard because what I feel means a future with so many hurdles. If I could fully go back to feeling like I am straight I would, BUT if it means forgetting these amazing feelings I have for women and never feeling them again I wouldn't. Actually admitting that I kind of like what happened to me is great progress. The issue now is learning to be okay with projecting a new image to the world. Now I am going to be put in a certain category in peoples minds and I am scared, I just want to be viewed as the same old person I was before.
It's like once you realize and accept the depth and immensity of these feelings, you know there's no going back. Thanks for sharing.
I can relate to this. Sometimes, I almost feel there was a point at which I could have stopped questioning my sexuality and carried on as straight, but I feel like I've now past a point of no return. Also, I think exposure to lesbians in the media, etc. can have an influence. The first time I fantasied about women, was around the time I met an out lesbian for the first time. Before then, I suppose I hadn't really considered it.
I think that exposure to lesbians in the media helped me come out to myself. Like, growing up, the only lesbian we knew was the softball coach, who was not someone Irelated to. Since the world around me said everyone was straight, I assumed Iwas straight. Then Iassumed that everybody felt the way I did about their best friends, about swimsuit models, etc. All women must "admire" other women like this, right? Because I'm straight, and their straight, so my experience is their experience? (You know, most people share a twin bed with their roommate, right?) Took a while to realize that there was a different category for my expereince and start to come out to myself, and lesbians in the media helped dgive me a category to understand myself. They didn't make me gay, though.
Yes I feel this a lot. I was totally happy thinking about guys sexually and then I opened myself up to accepting lesbainism through the media and BAM these little lingering wonders I'd had about girls that never botherdd me turned into something mind blowing that makes men seem rather bland and I've turned from like a Kinsey 2 to a 5, and it feels so real and so wrong at the same time. Yet I feel like no matter what this "mind-blowing" feeling is what I want from a relationship? So I'm accepting my gay supercharge.
If anything, lesbian media helped me put the pieces together. At first, I simply enjoyed watching certain lesbians, then it slowly became me wanting to be with a girl and be seen with a girl. That stuff didn't click at first. It was a certain movie that made me finally let down my walls and think about being with a woman, and boy did things change. Now, women are all I can fantasize about and want to be with. I've spent a year and a half, very slowly figuring it out.
Interesting... lesbian scenes never turn me on or make me want to be with a girl (straight scenes don't do it for me either if that matters). Actually that's why I was wondering whether I actually liked girls or not for a long time (I am so indifferent towards girls making out so I have to be straight right??) But in real life I have had major crushes on girls I know and was very sad after being rejected so I guess that's enough evidence
