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Did I just realise that I was in love with my best friend???

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, May 20, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Ok, deep breath. This is not an easy one for me. I have never considered this before, and I almost feel like a stranger looking in at a different person's life.

    So, guys, I think I may have been in love with my best friend. My ex best friend. She was a huge part of my life from 16-26. And now we don't speak at all anymore. My dream thread is what made it all come to the surface. My emotions for this girl are so intense, it's hard to even really think about them.

    Here goes, for anyone who wants to hear my story:

    I met A when I was 16. Well truthfully I'd known her since I was around 11 but we became close at 16. The first day we had a reason to talk we talked on the phone all night long. And then we became inseparable. She was that friend, the one you tell everything to, spend all your time with, lie next to in bed telling secrets and laughing until your belly hurts. She brought me out of my shell, made me think about things less seriously, helped me gain confidence. Our feelings were always intense for eachother. We were jealous of eachother's time. We never wanted to be interrupted by boys when we went out in the evening, we wanted to only be together. Like a lot of straight girl's do (a lot of straight girls do this, right?) sometimes we'd go to gay bars to avoid having guys interrupt is then we danced. We just wanted to hang out together, laugh, hug, dance and be silly.

    At some point, she hooked up with a girl. A mutual friend. I remember feeling like I'd been gut punched. I could never explain why to myself.

    The last year of our friendship was full of a lot of hurt. By the time I cut her out of my life, I'd felt like our friendship was full of irreparable betrayals.

    None of these things are what makes me believe I was in love with her.


    It's the dreams. We haven't been friends in like 11 years. And guys- I dream about this girl all. the. time. And the dreams are so intense, so emotional, and yes, often very very sexual. So much hurt and pain and even happiness, sweetness, Joy also happens in theses dreams.

    I don't even know what to think about all of this. This is almost as emotional for me to consider as it was to come out.

    If I'm joined the with myself, the things I felt, did and thought about with her were always more than friendship. I always admired her breasts, her curves. I always felt like I didn't want her to be with anyone else (in a relationship). I just wanted her to myself.

    It's all just starting to come to the surface
     
    #1 baristajedi, May 20, 2016
    Last edited: May 20, 2016
  2. whizbang

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    Did you ever mention your feelings you had for her, to her?
     
  3. baristajedi

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    No, I'm just admitting it to myself right now.

    The closest I've ever come to acknowowding feelings for her was saying really mean shit to the girl she hooked up with. I was so angry.
     
    #3 baristajedi, May 20, 2016
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  4. OutofZCloset

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    When was the last time you talked to her? Is she married or with someone now?
     
  5. baristajedi

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    The last time we've spoken was 11 years ago, the day I told her that I didn't want her in my life anymore.

    She's married now, yes.

    ---------- Post added 20th May 2016 at 09:43 AM ----------

    It's funny, I wasn't close to our mutual friend that she hooked up with, but I often feel compelled to write her a note saying I'm sorry. I always knew the anger was misdirected.
     
  6. OutofZCloset

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    Well that sucks....sorry.

    Well, when my "friend" from middle school looked me up I was married.
     
  7. whizbang

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    Just guessing, but yeah, I'd say you had some very strong feelings for her. It truly hurt you when she hooked up with someone else.

    Trust me I completely get it. There are times I wish I could turn back the clock and jumped on all sorts of opportunities that presented themselves.

    Something I would suggest you do however, is apologising to her and bury the hatchet. Time is a healer of a lot of things. Perhaps if you explain to her why you did some certain things, you two can have a friendship again. That might help you move on a bit.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    It's ok, I don't think I would want to contact her at this point anyway, she hurt me badly, like really badly.

    ---------- Post added 20th May 2016 at 09:57 AM ----------


    No no no, no apologies are neede for her. I was *always* kind and forgiving to her. And she treated me terribly in the end.


    It was the girl she hooked up with, let's say H, who I said unkind things to. I've always felt compelled to apologise to H, and it's always baffled me why that's stuck with me.

    I was so angry at A (my best friend) that I lashed out at H.
     
    #8 baristajedi, May 20, 2016
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  9. baristajedi

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    Aw :/ were the feelings mutual for you two? Did you tell her you had feelings for her when you were younger?
     
  10. whizbang

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    Oh ok I get it ;-)
     
  11. baristajedi

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    The truth is sometimes I do want to call her and just hear her voice and know about her life.

    But it was so painful in the end. I just I don't think I can reach out to her.

    She's always had a hard outer shell, she never lets anyone in, never lets people see her pain. But she was going through a lot of pain the last few years of our friendship, and unfortunately I got the brunt of it.

    Issues with her mom leaving her (which happened when she was 18 but surfaced at that time for her for various reasons, issues with a lot of personal things, she took out on me. And she was mean, she cut me deep, she knew me better than anyone and she knew how to cause me pain.
     
  12. Katchoo

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    Yes, this sounds so much like me and my college roommate. I didn't really let my self start considering that Iwas inlove with her until our senior yearl (At that point, you know, it's a sign if we are sleeping together in a twin bed and I feel compelled to masturbate right there after she no-panty flashed me while getting in the bed). But, for the first three years, it was like, best friends hold hands and cuddle, right? And of course best friends want to playfully run their hands down their best friends waists, side boob, legs, hair, whatever? And best friends just want to stand their hugging and breathing for forever, right? *sigh* The denial was strong. Even after the twin bed mastrubation while she was asleep incident, I recloseted myself to myself for a long time. The denial is strong.
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    Love? Maybe. Intense emotion for a best friend? Possibly as well. Either way, I would suggest you consider finding a way tinged closure; particularly if you were the June whom cut off the relationship.

    Your dreams might be telling you one thing, then again, they may be telling you to seek closure.
     
  14. baristajedi

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    Yes, being close to her always made me feel so much pent up sexual energy. I was around her when she made out with dudes sometimes and I just couldn't stand it. It made me so angry and filled me with all these mixed up feelings. But none of her hook ups with dudes affected me nearly as much as her hook up with the girl, H, did. That one really stung.

    Did you ever tell your college roommate how you felt?

    ---------- Post added 20th May 2016 at 04:20 PM ----------

    I've known for a while that I need to seek closure, but I just don't know how. I really don't think I want to reach out to her. I thought about writing a letter that I never send, but even that is really hard for me to do. The dnituins are still really strong and they take to ugly places emotionally.

    I really think I need to be honest with myself here though, I do think I was in love with A. I know in what I wrote that's not necessarily the conclusion that might come from it. But I know that she made me feel differently than I felt with other best friends...

    Just to get this out there to help me sort it out, for comparison:
    I've had other best friends since A who I've felt just as close to, who I ended up lying next to at night laughing until we were crying, sharing everything. There was C, a guy I was friends with from 23-26 until he moved away, who in my Dad's head was the guy I should marry (but he's gay so.. :slight_smile:), there's K and L, my current best friends who I love with all my heart.

    I dream about C a lot too. Those dreams are very warm comfy happy ones. He's like a brother to me, it's so clear what I feel for C.

    Whenever A would bring guys home (we shared a flat), and whenever she was in a relationship, I would get this deep gut wrenching sense of unsettled-ness. I was always so happy when she would break up with someone. Because then I had my A back.

    Just for comparison, waking up in the hotel next to C, seeing his legs wrapped all around this boyfriend, I remember feeling the most deep sense of "awwww, he really loves this one". Watching A simply get ready for a date just got me all, flustered, rattled. I always brushed those feelings away, I never wanted to feel like I wasn't happy for my friend. It made me upset that I felt that way. I never felt that way with K or L. When they talk about the people they like/love I'm just happy for them. Protective, but happy.

    The deep twisty unsettled feeling in my gut that I felt so much around A when I watched her with guys, and with H, our mutual girl friend, feels dark and painful. I hated that feeling so much.

    It's the same feeling I had for my girl friend E, and I know niw that I kind of had a crush on E.

    I don't know...this feels hard to think about. It shouldn't be, it's been a long time since she was even in my life.
     
  15. Katchoo

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    No. When Iwas trying to do the religious stay celebate and hide your orientation thing, I cut contact because I was still in love with her, and it was too hard. Last summer she got married. She actually reached out and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I could not attend the wedding of the person I loved the most and longest, much less stand up on a stage wearing a dress. This week, one of the things I have been considering is if I might write her a letter explaining the whole story and the truth. That could be a down the road kind of thing, maybe, if I want to, if I feel like it. No pressure. I don't have to. I remind myself. Repeatedly. That Idon't have to. And, whatever I decide is ok. No pressure..... Yeah, the last time I talked to her.... Summer or Fall of 2010? Yeah. But, she's still so important. Sigh. Maybe sometime. I don't know.
     
  16. YeahpIdk

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    I'm not sure this is you in love. Attraction and maybe sexual confusion that you didn't fully understand, maybe. I think when you're in love with someone, you're in love with them and don't need to question it. Your dreams could be your subconscious dealing with you coming out, and is using her because she may have been the first girl you were really attracted to and maybe wanted to be with but didn't know at the time. You could also be wanting an intimate relationship, or feel like something is missing, and it's playing out with her as a main character because you loved her in a way. She was your best friend.

    A lot of the things you describe are similar to how my best friend and I are now. We don't like to share each other. We're each other's best friend. And when we were first friends, I was extremely envious of her body. Dare I say I was probably a bit attracted to her body, and did that thing where I'd tell myself that I just "want" her body. And believe me, I did. But I also couldn't help but like to look at it. We are just best friends though. And what you're doing seems almost like if I'd sit and questioned if maybe I was in love with her. I've let her get away with rude things. Helped her out when she needed it. Been really sad if we went through a lull of not speaking. We lie together in bed. Laughing. Tell each other everything. Even talked about how awkward it would be for us to ever do anything sexual, a conversation that only came up because my trigger crush asked if she and I had ever hooked up, which of course prompted me to tell her while cracking up. Friendship love and attraction love are close to each other, they're both really intimate. But I think there's that one thing, where there's no question in your mind, and you can tell the difference. However, maybe you were. Only you would really know. I just think love is unquestionable.
     
    #16 YeahpIdk, May 20, 2016
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  17. baristajedi

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    That's so tough. You don't have to do anything in any particular way except what feels right for you to move forward. I think writing her a letter might be very therapeutic, but you shouldn't do it out of feeling obligated to explain. It's good that you're not pressuring yourself.

    She sounds like a good friend, and also it sounds like she was still quite fond of you, if she asked you after all that time to be her bridesmaid.

    Perhaps you could write the letter but not send it. It might help you sort some thoughts and feelings.

    ---------- Post added 20th May 2016 at 05:06 PM ----------

    Maybe the wording is off, perhaps in love isn't quite right, but it was more than attraction. I just know that my feelings for her were much more mixed up with sexual longing, jealousy and infatuation than my feelings for my current best friends K and L. All the stuff I said about my closeness with A, all of that is the same with K and L. We have that same intimacy, the belly laughs, lying in bed talking into the wee hours. I do get a *little* jealous of K's time too. But A was a bit different...with A, it was unbearable seeing her date. I can't really explain the level of hurt either without considering a bit of my sort of hidden feelings for her as well.
     
  18. YeahpIdk

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    Yeah. It sounds like it. I wasn't trying to go against you, these are your feelings and you know them best. i think sometimes we can go back and try to look for early clues, sometimes too hard. I'm not sure that's what you were doing at all. So ignore me if so. :slight_smile: :slight_smile: when did you realize you weren't straight?
     
  19. baristajedi

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    I think I'm just being more honest with myself than I have in the past. It's not like we had a beautiful thing, I just think I had a bigger physical and emotional attachment to her than I've acknowledged.

    In terms of realising I'm not straight - I came out to myself (and then soon after mostly everyone) about 8 months ago. But I always "knew" on some level. I suppose my first girl crush at 10 made me wonder. I started kind of coming out at around 22 ish as well...but it's mostly something I didn't acknowledge until more recently.
     
    #19 baristajedi, May 20, 2016
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  20. CapColors

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    Yup. I'm very sorry for your turmoil. I can feel your pain and confusion.

    One of the hardest aspects of all of this for me was realizing I've been in love with about half of my best friends.

    It makes me wonder if I can ever have one again.