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Did anyone else deal with disbelief from ex-partners?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LooseMoose, Apr 3, 2016.

  1. LooseMoose

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    For various reasons I still have some shared arrangements with an ex- partner of mine.
    I came out to him a long time ago, but until today I don't feel he has accepted me as gay, its even worse- I don't think he actually believes that I am gay.

    It does not help that I am 'mostly gay'- as in I have some capacity for emotional attraction to people regardless of their gender and because of this I have had a long period of hovering between 'gay' & 'bi', but the bottom line is that I am not capable of fully functional emotional and sexual connections with men. But my ex simply does not seem to take it into account- he still sometimes acts as if we could have a chance as a couple. We don't, and not just because I am gay, for other reasons as well.

    I value his friendship and I still want him in my life, but it makes it difficult to feel stable in my identity, if one of the people I care about is not acting as if I am pretending to be gay.
     
  2. Katchoo

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    I haven't talked to any of my exes to know if they believe me or not, but, I feel like I'm right with you on your description of your orientation. I have some capacity for sexual connections with men, but they don't work, and I can't do it, and it stresses me out. Mostly gay. Yes. Exactly that.
     
  3. Gillian

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    My ex-husband does not see how it could be even remotely possible that I am gay. Bisexuality he could understand (his words) but gay? No. No way. In his opinion I am either making it up, or lying to myself, or saying it because I think it is cool and trendy somehow to be gay. If I think I am gay it is because of myriad of reasons, none of them being that I am actually... gay.

    It has really made me doubt myself a lot, especially as I haven't been able to share my situation a lot with other people.
     
    #3 Gillian, Apr 3, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  4. OutofZCloset

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    When I left my ex husband thought I was going through a phase and was just confused. He said I was having a midlife crisis (I was 26). I have now been married to the same woman for 20 years. He doesn't say that anymore.
     
  5. brians34

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    I'm going through this right now. My wife feels that this is a phase and that once I begin going to therapy, things will be "fixed"

    I told her those feelings will not go away no matter how much I try to wish them away.
     
  6. Grace66

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    Mine did, for a while. Many months of therapy, talking, him connecting with people on SSN, i think as much as it hurts he's finally realized that this is real. It's not what either of us wants and it's easier to pretend that it can just go away, that it's not real, that we can 'fix' it. But he has come to some level of acceptance. Probably more so than i have at this point.
     
  7. appleseed

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    I'm going through this as well. My husband have always known I'm attracred to both men and women but he doesn't seem to believe I prefer women. I realized it a couple of month ago and talked to him about it but he reallt doesn't seem to undersrand how crucial this thing is for me. And probably for us as a couple.
     
  8. wanderinggirl

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    Yes. Nothin too serious, but I dated a guy for like months and felt attracted to him but never fully emotional available. When I told him I thought I might be gay, he didn't believe me, for good reasons: physically, we had a great connection. But emotionally, what he saw as genuine feelings was just an act by me. I only gave half of myself to the relationship, but he saw what he wanted to see. Breaking up was hard because I didn't feel like I had good reason: I just didn't love him. But that's reason enough for me these days, as it should be.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 11:13 PM ----------

    I should also note that the "mostly gay" thing confuses a lot of people. To old partners, it definitely doesn't seem to make sense. But I have to push that out of my head and focus on what I see for myself in the future.
     
  9. CameronMR

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    My ex doesn't believe me that I am gay because he knows, he can see it in my eyes, im only gay because he hurt me, he knows I am not gay because of how much I loved sex with him(I am literally a very good actor, I watched porn, I knew how to make the right sounds at the right times...) I keep a list of reminders of why I am a lesbian in my room on the back of my door. lol