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Diagnoses vs issues with peers

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Mihael, Mar 29, 2020.

  1. Mihael

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    2,617
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    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So I wonder about certain things. My story is the following in general: I feel like a dude, I don’t want to take hormones, but I prefer to dress masculine and I like to be called by a masculine name and pronouns. I came out several years ago (4?). There is also the issue that I envy the guys that they are being treared... well, like guys. I feel like they are having so much fun when they are constantly being told that they are cool and strong and stuff like that, and they have fun bro fisting and all, lol. I thought, maybe not everyone will go with it, but probably, others don’t even know that this is how I want to be treated, so if I let them know, for example by changing my name and getting a haircut, at least some people will go with it, and life is going to be better. Sounds like a good plan, right?

    Nah. While previously everyone or almost everyone was positive about my coming outs, this time was different, I was met with backlash and refusal to help with the name and the pronouns. From peers. I have no clue about teachers, but they seemed more positive when I did pass as male for a perdiod of time. I didn’t ask them anything though, I felt too scared. I needed the peer support that I didn’t get badly. Or support from the therapist, who also didn’t filfil her role.

    So my story ended here. I have been sick a lot, I had exams, I had winter break and so on. Now there is the virus break. I’m left with irritation which doesn’t go away on its own for several months already. I don’t think it will pass on its own. I take into accont that it might be an issue of the type “someone was rude to me and I’m mad now and can’t let go until I have a shouting session at them”.

    Now that I think about it, my so called friends might have been attached to the idea of me as a woman, and this is why they reacted to it this way, however, I think they were being unreasonable, they knew how I felt for a really long time. It disgusts me to think it might have been because they were sexually attracted to me and that it involved the idea of me as a woman to such a large degree that it is a shock for them that I might ... well, look like a dude? I have no clue what it would mean for them to be attracted to someone “as a woman” and this is why it disgusts me, it brings me to mind the worst scenarios, like them having persistent sissification fantasies about me or about their homophobia. Yikes.

    The teachers. I have no clue how they would react, I’m somewhat afraid of them, probably rightly so, and I don’t want to throw my personal issues at them. Maybe a proper diagnosis would help with them, maybe not. Maybe a proper diagnosis in general would help shut up the transphobes.

    Another issue is the therapist. She wasn’t supportive enough. She always said I was either non-binary or had to take hormones. I’m not sure how to judge her as a person, she had her positive and negative sides, I didn’t have too deep therapy with her, and she was good with, how to say that, getting things done, so she knew some good solutions to things, provided the necessary resources, but she definitely failed at being nice. I feel like she didn’t acknowledge me enough in my identity. She compared me to others. She was mean at times. I didn’t care as long as things got done and wasn’t invested in doing therapy, but... I didn’t like it. On the other hand, she tried to pressure me into hormones, so I find it a bit odd of a dichotomy. Like, maybe it’s her that I’m angry at apart from my peers.

    So what to do next with that. I could spend my time and money on giving her a shouting and mean remark session. Why not. I could also go somewhere else and find justice - other professionals who are not invested in the idea of not acknowledging trans identities unless you’re super duper genitally dysphoric and all (I’m not fine with my lack of penis btw, but so what? Do I have to make a scene because of it and avoid washing my privates or something?)

    Another issue is that I would want to be called a masculine name. Some of my friends do call me the masculine name. But I haven’t had much contact with them over those last few months, so I don’t feel too confident in it. I was considering legal name change, however, I’m not sure if it’s worth the fuss, and if the issue here is not my confidence - something that is my ex therapist’s failure. In general, I’m on the fence about whether to get that formal diagnosis or not and don’t know how to deal with this, well, confidence issue. Normally, this problem would be solved by having friends - who are friendly, well meaning, and have a degree of altruism, are willing to help someone out. But I don’t have such friends. And I’m stuck with those angry thoughts echoing in my head. This whole diagnostic process, which would appear as a solution, probably isn’t worth it if I don’t want to go the medical route.

    Another thing is, those peers would question me on health and psychological issues, and this is also why it would appear as a solution (the peers not only refuse to help me out with the name and pronouns, they also talk stupid detransition blog like things to me, as if I didn’t know what I was doing and wasn’t aware of the dark side of transgenderism and why someone would think they are trans when they are not). However. I’m aware it is probably the wrong way to go. It also doesn’t help that my previous therapist (before that one I talked about so far) was a plain TERF.