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Developing romantic feelings

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by blagh, Sep 25, 2019.

  1. blagh

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    I've heard a lot about people who fantasised or had sex with the same sex, but didn't develop romantic needs or desires until later on. Can those of you who went through this, explain what it was like? Were you repressing/in denial of your romantic feelings your whole life, or did they honestly not emerge until you started to explore more?
     
  2. Chip

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    Often this is a vulnerability issue; people have been repressing the feelings for so long, the first thing that shows up is the physical enjoyment of sex, and only after one sort of sits with that, the emotions start to come up.

    Secondarily, denial (which I see as different than vulnerability) can be incredibly effective and powerful, and even in the presence of physical arousal, it's possilble for the shield of denial to basically protect from the emotional feelings.

    The interesting thing for me, as someone who really didn't figure it out until my later 20s, is just how complete the denial can be. I was dating women, and it literally never crossed my mind to date a guy. But at some level, there was definitely arousal about guys, and somehow, magically, I was able to hold those two things in separate places and it was only later that they started to come together and I started to figure it out.
     
    #2 Chip, Sep 26, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2019
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  3. cjmiller

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    I agree Chip I've dated women all my life and never felt romantically attracted to men. It wasn't until I accepted that I was gay when these feeling started to rush in on me. I think my denial blocked them.
     
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  4. Hope4love

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    I'm literally going through it, it's weird cause it makes me feel as if "I still have an option to not fully call myself gay".
    I wonder if this denial will ever go away
     
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  5. Contented

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    For most of my adult life I was in denial and never knew it. I married a woman and lived what I would call a normal hetero life. Never thought of men as sexual or romantic partners until I met the man that opened my eyes to what sexuality and romance could be. Only then was I able to see there had been signs that I missed because I was so deep in denial. Once that happened I was on a collision course to acknowledging my same sex attraction and coming out. In hind sight I am still surprised I was ever straight or at least pretended to be straight.
     
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  6. angeluscrzy

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    I think one thing that's crucial is finding one's "type". I always knda knew growing up that I had thoughts about guys, but figured it was more of a fetish because I couldn't imagine dating one. I guess there was this thought too that I'm not really finding many guys attractive, so how can I be gay really?
    However I can pinpoint many instances now (looking back) where a crush was just something I thought was my "one exception" to being straight. Looking at it closely tho, from my first gay crush as a teen, to my obsessions with certain male celebrities, I definitely see now I have that one type of guy that just makes me weak in the knees.
    I never really got that flustered over girls, at least not in the way other guys seemed to. But because I figured I was doing what I was "supposed to" with the whole being straight thing, I didn't really let my mind go to that place where I really allowed myself to consider being with a guy.
    Now, knowing my type, and I guess giving myself permission to develop feelings for a guy, I can see a world of possibilities I didn't before. Sometimes I sit watching TV,, or lie in bed and picture some gorgeous guy sitting next to me or with his arm around me, and I can feel a sense of longing that I've never really felt for any woman.
     
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  7. Kwekie

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    Do you mind going into a bit of greater detail? I've seen you post something to this effect a few times; complete denial and lack of awareness. I'm assuming therefore you had sex, and romantic interest in women at one point, and now you have none? How did you realize given the level of denial/did you feel an underlying sense of...in authenticity about your life? What?
     
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  8. Aldia

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    But how was it when you were dating women? Did you feel any kind of romantic or/and sexual pull towards then or you did it just because that was what you were supposed to do?
     
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  9. Chip

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    In retrospect, everything about those relationships were pretty underwhelming. It was nice. They were nice people to hang out and do things with. All of my relationships with women were happening where they were basically the ones who made the relationships happen, and I just sort of went along with it. Sexual pull? No, not really. Everything about it was rather 'Meh." though I don't think I really realized just how 'meh' it was until I figured out that I wasn't straight... if that makes sense.

    To give you another sense... I was taking a college class (evening class at a school I didn't normally go to), and there was this girl I'd been sort of casually talking to here and there during the semester. At the end of the semester we were both walking out to the parking lot, and (in retrospect), it was clear that she was trying to get me to stay connected... go somewhere for coffee, trade phone numbers, something. But I completely missed it, and... when I think about it, I really had no interest. So when I later thought about it, it was like "Well, ok, maybe it would have been nice" but there was no spark or excitement there.
     
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  10. Franz007

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    Sometimes i wish i was like that but i experience sexual contacts with men since 24 years now and never had any sort of attraction to them in everyday‘s life. At the same time i have crushes for women and desire them sexually every day. On the other side i can enjoy sex with men very much. Even when i was telling me that i could be gay, the feelings disappeared completely as soon as i saw mens in the streets. I look at them and just have absolutely no interests in them. I just dont pay attention and only breasts, skirts, long hairs and cute women-faces catch my eyes. It‘s a bit weird and i wish i would be able to developp feelings towards men, since i have enough of the difficulty finding a woman for sex and/or a relationship.
     
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  11. Contented

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    [QUOTE="Chip, post: 6679684, Sexual pull? No, not really. Everything about it was rather 'Meh." though I don't think I really realized just how 'meh' it was until I figured out that I wasn't straight... if that makes sense.
    This is so true. It took me years to figure out but once I did it all became crystal clear my attraction to men was so much more intense. Sexual and emotional pleasure with women was just “meh” but with men I found the passion and sensuality I had missed with women not to mention deep emotional connections. There was simply no real comparison.
     
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