Developing Gaydar

Normally I am a fount of strong opinions, but even after a decade of being out of the closet, I still have to say: "Beats me!"

So I have no real tips or tricks, only a few observations I have made over the years:

- Cues can be very culturally different. My boyfriend, who's American, has remarked that roughly 60% of Belgians (and ALL Frenchmen, lol) register as ragingly gay to him (see also the song: "Gay or European" from the Legally blonde musical ).
Meanwhile, cues that look gay to him among Americans sometimes register completely the opposite to me. Wearing a tank top and shaving everywhere? That would register as straight to me, lol.
So any clue from appearance or behaviour is probably more about registering a slight bit more counterculture or individuality, compared to the local "average appearances".

- It is true that the "flirting game" can go quite far with straight guys before they figure out your actually gay and they need to affirm they're actually straight.
On the other hand, I disagree somewhat with your assessment that it is in bad taste. It's probably the most failsafe way in which you could find out based on direct interaction (other than direct announcements of sexuality, obviously).
The flirty stuff seems to be a way of signaling one is confident in their sexuality (whatever it is), and so you can let slip hints and play with it a bit, while still allowing both parties to back out without losing face. Yes, it might hint at a certain type of attraction where none actually exists, but it's maybe somewhat safer than asking outright.
I don't know if straight guys used to be more self-conscious about it in the past, though. And again, might be it's also affected by cultural differences. It's perfectly safe here, but I wouldn't know if it is in other parts of the world. So don't just apply my Bellgian experience in Texas!

- Some people are just better at it than others. I have a milder form of autism, so I often fail to see if people are happy sad, annoyed, or angry. What hope do I have to read complex stuff like "I want you to know I'm gay without saying it outright!"?
I've gotten better at it over the years, but it'll always be a practiced skill. Meanwhile, some of my friends endlessly snicker at how I suddenly have epiphanies about things they considered to be clear ages ago.
So maybe it just isn't a skill you'll ever be great at (even if you can improve with time).​

I don't think it is wise per se to make too many changes into how you present. It can drift over the years, obviously, but ideally you want to meet people presenting as themselves, and to be appreciated for who you are, not for what you did to fit in better.

 

Gaydar that "sucks"? Seems like an asset (oralset?).

Butt seriously (sorry, i couldn't resist), i think much of communication in general- gay, straight or otherwise, flys below the radar. Some research has communication at mostly non verbal.

i've had some pretty remarkable experiences with gaydar? i wonder if that aspect of gay communication has suffered at the hands of technology and apps that have profile boxes with pre defined attributes, all we gotta do is place a check mark. But i'm not whining about technology, i think it's a wonderful thing, i'm just not convinced we've perfected its use when it comes to communication.

i've got lots of stories that involve (apparent?) gaydar. One i blush to tell. Driving down a street in my truck, a guy pulled up next to me and just glanced over. Our eyes met, just for a moment, and he pulled forward and in front of me. i followed him as he parked in a Burger King parking lot, and continued to follow him from about 15 paces into the restaurant restroom. When i entered, he wordlessly locked the door behind me and we wordlessly... well, i'll let you imagine. This was fully consensual, and to this day, i wonder how either of us knew? I've had a lot more eye contact with lots of guys, even passing drivers, that never resulted the same, or even produced a date.

Another odd moment was i had a crush on one of the doctors i worked with at the hospital. He was tall, shy, thoughtful, intelligent. i had not seen him for awhile and returned to work to find they had transitioned to "Julie." That was a Victor/Victoria moment for me. What kind of 'dar' was that?

Another guy who struck me as effeminate and seemed to be very flirty, turned out to be "straight" when i finally got the courage to ask. We did end up playing tennis together though.

The gay community has had all sorts of identifier iterations. At one point, some used different colors handkerchiefs to send messages to those who knew the meaning.

i think, for the most part, the only way we can know is to come right out and risk asking. Some have taken to wearing identifiers like an equal sign or rainbow flag, but even then, they may just be showing support, so i'd feel safer approaching that person. i imagine if you wore something similar, or had a bumper sticker or ____________, it could be a start, but that really doesn't have anything to do with gaydar.

 

Also keep in mind men might be in denial. I remember guys hitting on me when I was in denial, I am sure they thought their ‘gaydar’ w off, the truth is they knew me better than I did,

 

hi i know u like older and stuff but from my experience the people i think r like total straight arent even with body language and the way they talk. so anyone u meet is a possible mate. unless u looking for someone of a specific type. my person is total masculine and never thought he into me. any stone can be ‘turned’.

 

Flirting and body language to me, like makeup, is a weird alchemy or an alien language that seems privy only to everyone else. I know about the signals that were all around when being gay was a much more taboo and secretive thing, but it's not the 1990s anymore, and now people seem to read body language and clothes so expertly, while many of us who are more private are just left by the wayside. I'm looking for books on the subject, or looking for places for testing, but part of me wonders if even that's worth it. One important "signal" I keep hearing about is eye contact, or some subtle combination of eye contact and posture. I've conditioned myself to avoid eye contact in high school, because I've always seen an incredulous, disgusted expression, and I can't stand seeing that again.

Every skill can be learned. It's just practice and a lot of negative reinforcement, I think.

 

idk. To me, "gaydar" is a sort of throw back to the closet days when gay guys sometimes feared for their very life if they approached the wrong guy. Though, i recognize that 'closets' are still around in the 21st century, evidenced by this site. i think a lot of the 'signals' were decidedly sexual. A common gesture was to touch one's crotch. Or bottoms might where tight pants to better present. And licking ones lips or sucking on a finger? lol all pretty standard at one time. Really common for a guy to make eye contact then subtly brush his hand across his crotch, not a full on straight boy grab and adjust.

i see gaydar and body language as a subtopic of communication. If a person has reached a place of being "out to everyone," i'd think a more direct approach to finding out if someone is gay would be more effective (i.e., ask)? One doesn't have to be gay to experience the fear of rejection from someone they are more intimately interested in, eh? And yeah, i know, despite being in a more accepting era, we all know that being gay adds an extra layer of concern. Few guys hazard being punched if they ask a woman out on a date, but still hazard ire or a slap if they proposition. I wonder if the risk of asking another guy out on date would really result in more punches? i suspect it depends more on the approach than the gender?

i grew up in a non communicative house. i too had a bully around every corner, learning how to hide in a carefully constructed closet. i remember trying to engage my dad, who was a very quiet guy. i read a lot as a kid, many adult books (no, not porn, just not kids books). Those books, and the characters in them became my friends. At age 14 i bought a copy of a book titled "People Reading" (i think it is out of print now, that or i do not remember the exact name). i got pretty good at people reading... i thought, until i got married. Early on, i would get angry (read: "hurt") and frustrated with my wife when she did not understand me. i assumed (didn't really think about it, i just acted) that she knew how i thought and felt a lot of times, even though i had never actually told her. The primary mode of communication i had up to that point was "people reading," which turned out to be woefully inaccurate in my hands.

Then there is the double edged sword of body language. i cannot count the number of times i have been in a meeting when i was in executive management, and i would purposely correct or assume a body stance to send a message. But, that was not necessarily communicating what was there. For instance, if i caught myself displaying as 'closed', i'd uncross my arms or legs. But the truth is, i was still feeling that way inside.

We life in a culture where image often passes as more important than 'the real thing.' The saying: "image is everything" comes to mind. i think media and culture in general has become expert a presenting an image to foster a particular response vs a vulnerable, open expression of how one really feels and thinks.

 

Hey, sorry if i was an ass... wasn't really so much directing at you as wandering off trail and thinking out loud. i applaud you effort to get better at people reading. Honestly, i think you are likely an above average communicator already... you sure seem that way here to me. More than anything my thoughts were directed at and from myself and my own experience. i put a lot of weight on my people reading skills, and ended up being wrong a lot... but that doesn't mean it's a bad skill to pursue, just one i was apparently bad at.

As for gaydar? i don't know that it's outdated, but i think it's part overrated and part mysterious, so i'm not sure i could help much with that one. Still, i appreciate the conversation and thoughts all have expressed, sorry for going off topic.

 

Hey!

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into understanding social cues, and that’s awesome. Picking up on subtle signals can be tricky, especially since mannerisms or styles don’t always align with someone’s sexuality. A few cues like intentional eye contact, mirroring body language, or playful touches might hint at interest, but context is key—especially with straight guys joking around. A lighthearted response like, “Hey, if you’re gonna flirt, don’t be surprised when I flirt back!” might help set boundaries while keeping it fun.

As for presenting “gay,” it’s less about fitting a stereotype and more about being yourself. If experimenting feels right, small changes like adding a pop of color or fitted clothing can work without feeling forced. But honestly, your authenticity speaks louder than your wardrobe ever could.

Lastly, it’s wild that people ask if you’re “still gay.” You’ve handled it with great humor, which shows confidence in your identity. You’re doing great—keep being you, and don’t feel pressured to change for anyone!

 

Gaydar is still a word as far as I know. It's definitely still a thing.

It works for all sorts of facets within the LGBT community. In your OP, you mention effeminate straight and gay guys. There is more androgyny now and I think it's probably more okay to be in touch with a person's "feminine side." I don't think it was that way growing up but in bigger cities people cut you more slack. I have and had a lot of problems with puberty that came on later and took longer to go through. The sad part is that people's judgment of me might depend on whether they met me at the beginning of high school, college, or at a post university job. And I won't even get into it because it's sad. I was a different person and not because of trying anything different, except for maybe getting better haircuts and going to the gym. I'd say that the effeminate gay guy who is interested communicates in a flirty way and the effeminate straight guy is really into the conversation and friendly without being flirty.

The single biggest thing is eye contact. It's not a just passing by eye contact when you're going down the aisle at the market. It's more like a look right through you type. Or it's a nanosecond too long (I use that phrase a lot) and it comes with some skittishness. A good friend says that he has noticed a few times when I look at others that way and that it has a skittish vibe. I really think that good looking straight guys know the skittish nervous look all too well because it's probably what they have gotten from guys in school or wherever. I think good looking gay guys experience the look right through you look more. Just a hunch. If I'm sitting somewhere, I might even take a few of those skittish glances and run the risk of getting someone upset. In the last 2 or 3 years, it happened just once in a restaurant and I felt bad afterwards because it made the person uncomfortable and this spark plug short guy was with his wife or girlfriend. I drove away feeling bad and it sort of lingered for a few days because I hadn't done that in a long time.

There are different factions that also have their own kind of gaydar: blue collar guys, body builders, bears, and on and on. The same is true for the lesbian community, it seems. I see some bear types and society could assume some are straight. They're big and hairy, so that's supposedly as masculine as it gets. If they dress in certain ways and have piercings, people can figure out they might be gay. For some others in that group, it's not that obvious and the gayness shows up when they're on their turf.

Married guys who might want to sneak one in also send out some vibes. It's not something I've seen too often, but I've seen it. They're usually really friendly and the eye contact is a little intense and they ask probing questions. They're also much tolerant than the typical straight guy around LGBT people or just anyone who is different instead of putting them down. This is an unfavorable situation because you don't want to be the one who is the catalyst to their first same-sex experience or cheating in general.

There was a comment in the last day or so about the handkerchief code. ROFLMAO. That seems pre-2000 but it's still here. I saw it about 2 years ago and I saw it yesterday! I was in a supermarket and this tall lanky guy in a plaid flannel shirt was looking my way a little and it had an intensity to it. It didn't help that he had these black horn rimmed glasses. He looked like a little off and like someone in a "wanted" photo from decades ago. When he turned to do more shopping, there was a dark blue handkerchief in his left rear pocket. I looked it up later that day. They say that some people have taken people home they've met at the supermarket. I know that people pick up people at the gym. Yesterday I was waiting for a shuttle and people were complaining that it was late. There was a quieter good looking guy masculine who was Hispanic and had an interesting scowl and brow that was just part of his face. When he got up, he was short and was wearing jeans and a hoodie. He had a nervous edge about him. As he got into the shuttle, he had the same handkerchief set up and I wasn't all that surprised.


What might happen is that you'll start to see patterns. That's what has happened with me. When it's not obvious through clothing, physique, expressions, or how a person carries themselves, it's in other subtle behaviors. Those will be the tie breaker.

 

Gaydar can be a real thing for sure, but its accuracy is always going to be debatable.
I’ve had two sexual encounters in hotels where I’ve just met guys who looked at me just that little bit too long and I looked back just that little bit too long.

But on the flip side, if you go to a gay sauna it’s not full of men you’d think were gay. There are all sorts in there but far fewer with effeminate traits than you might think.

 

Aa for the hotel stays, I could see this happening in the bar or lounge on weeknights when people are traveling for business. It has never happened to me. There was only ONE time that I wish it did. It didn't.

Right, forum members have said that the majority of gays and lesbians don't look or act too different from anyone else. A lot of these folks might also be closeted. If someone is cis and conventional all around, they might not want to disclose because they don't want people thinking of a hook-up app or a sauna before they value the person. I think it's a matched set of attributes - too cis and not disclosing. To others, they become a gay or lesbian person instead of a person with a lot of attributes who just happens to be gay or lesbian. If someone is categorized by their sport or their aptitude for the performing arts, it's a unique talent that people are recognizing. It's not reductionist. Imagining what they do in the sack is.

I prefer to see people as complicated beings. I may find their sex lives interesting, but everything else about them, too.