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Destin's Days: Mistakes Made and Lessons Learned

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Destin, Jan 24, 2019.

  1. Destin

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    Today one of my friends jokingly suggested I should write a book about all the times I've messed something up, since I have a tendency to mess up basically any way it's possible to mess up. So I figured, why not? It's not a book, but maybe reading this will prevent someone from repeating my mistakes.

    Mistake #1: Vanity - I've never been happy with how I look, even though others tell me I look fine. For awhile as a teenager I became very obsessed with fashion and grooming hoping that looking better would make me feel better about myself. It didn't. It made me feel worse actually, because I still didn't like how I looked and was even more upset with it that all the extra effort wasn't helping. Sure other people would compliment me and stuff, but that actually made me feel worse too because I thought they were lying to me out of pity.

    Lesson learned: You are who you are. You can't change it, so just stop being so worried about how you look and enjoy life the way you want to enjoy it. Dress however you want, not to please other people.

    Mistake #2: Drugs - Yea I know, everyone's heard 'drugs are bad!' a million times. I've dabbled in this aspect of life unfortunately. I never did it intentionally. They were just there at a party or at a friend's house, and stuff happened. Then stuff continued happening. First it was 'oh it's just weed though, I won't do anything else so this is fine'. Then it was 'oh but ecstasy isn't that bad, it's fun and makes the parties better' which at some point became 'I mean, how bad can cocaine really be right?' (the problem is that it's not bad... it's amazing, and then you want that amazing feeling more and more exponentially). I never did anything seriously enough to get addicted to it thankfully, but high hallucinations are really scary too.

    Lesson learned: Don't do it. Just don't. I'm not going to lie, it's fun, but you feel like crap about yourself for giving in to the peer pressure when the high wears off. There's other ways to have fun, you don't need this stuff. It will never fix the problems in your life even though it seems like it does for a while. It makes them worse.

    Mistake #3: Being an alcoholic - I fully admit I'm a hypocrite because I still have this problem, but I'm trying to work on it still. It sneaks up on you so fast. I never drank alone usually, only at parties to have fun and socialize more easily. It was never a problem. I still don't know when it became a problem. I drank a lot, and I mean a LOT at parties and still never felt the desire for it other than that. Then I did one day. I was a teenager still so couldn't get my own, instead my friends and I would walk down the beach asking random adults for free beers from their coolers. We'd get like 20 to share every time after a few hours of doing it. I still thought it was fine and just a thing to do with my friends. College came, lots of parties and more alcohol, so much liquor everywhere.

    I turned 21. Going off by myself to drink until I felt like a different person I hated less became more common than I'd like to admit. I went to class half drunk more times than I'd like to remember. I was somewhat ok with it still. Then I noticed my boyfriend who had never drank before had started drinking too, not with me. I saw how fast it harmed him and it hurt so much to see him struggling with it, I felt like it was my fault for being a bad example even though I tried to hide my issues from him. I got him to stop, and I stopped with him to be supportive. Then started again. It's for coping with other issues. I figured this is the least harmful option for that I have at the moment.

    Lesson learned: Don't use alcohol to hide from your fears and self-hatred. It doesn't work. There's no way to describe how bad it feels to see someone you care about start developing your own problems because you were a bad role model for them.

    Mistake #4: Mistaking sex for love - This one is the hardest one for me. Ever since I started having sex at 16 I couldn't get enough of it, because it makes me feel loved. I've wanted so badly to be loved for so long. I was never able to feel love for any of my girlfriends, because I didn't realize I wasn't straight. I didn't really understand what love felt like because of that, so I thought having sex with someone meant they cared about me at least a little. I was wrong. I obsessively looked for sex anywhere I could, just to feel less alone and cared about. I've slept with over 150 people at this point and I'm only 22.

    It got so much worse when I discovered being gay. With girls it was just the physical enjoyment, but with guys it felt emotionally connecting and so natural. All it takes is a kiss or a sensual touch for me to instantly want to go to bed with them and pursue that goal persistently. I made a huge mistake by acquiring friends with benefits and hookups as part of an open relationship, not realizing it was hurting my boyfriend to see that. I didn't realize how much it harmed the trust we have. I stopped now. Everything with him is better now that the trust is being fixed, and I don't have to be too ashamed to come home after doing things I know I shouldn't have with other people anymore.

    Lesson learned: Real love isn't based on sex, and I know this now. Sleeping with people won't fix self-esteem problems. I could have lost someone I love so much because of this if he weren't amazingly understanding. I never would have been able to forgive myself if that happened.

    Mistake #5: Being paid for sex - It's not a good idea. I unfortunately accepted someone's offer for this once and I very much regret doing it. I thought it would make me feel better about myself that someone liked me enough to offer that, the money was meaningless to me. It didn't. It was terrible. I don't want to go much more into detail.

    Lesson learned: Having sex for money doesn't feel the same as doing it for enjoyment. It feels so wrong and shameful.

    There are more but those were the major ones and this is really long already so I'll stop here for now I guess.
     
    Chierro, quebec, Chip and 5 others like this.
  2. johndeere3020

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    Destin, I think that it sounds like you are growing up. Remember, mistakes are part of life, we all make them. The important thing is that we learn from them so the future can be brighter!
    Dean
     
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  3. Rade

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    WOW Destin, you have definitely lived alot in 22 years. My advice to you is to keep putting all your energy into your relationship with your boyfriend. Who has stood by you through difficult times.
    Why not seek help with your drinking?
    Your doing great, please stay off the drugs, my ex wife has a crackhead boyfriend and he has literally fucked his life up....
    Take care Jon xx
     
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  4. Dionysios

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    Destin, for one so young, you have indeed gone through an amazing journey! You have lived through many difficult challenges from drug and alcohol woes to numerous sexual encounters. I am thrilled that you are well and most importantly learned so many important life lessons. Your story is an inspiration for so many younger LGBT folks who often fall into these habits. I hope they turn their lives around as you appear to have done!
     
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  5. Niagara

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    You forgot an important one.

    Mistake: being too hard on yourself all the time, people aren’t perfect, so stop expecting yourself to be.

    Lesson learned: that you’re a great person who I’m very proud of. You should be proud of yourself for such great progress recently.

    ❤️
     
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  6. Biguyjosh

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    Destin, I can certainly relate and understand. We make mistakes and learn from them, hopefully, and become better people. I'm sure your book, if you write one, would be great.
     
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  7. Chierro

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    I've been waiting to find time where I could actually read and respond to this.

    Honestly, you're a strong guy for being able to see your faults, own up to them, and grow from them. Not many people are able or even willing to do that. You're not perfect, but no one is. And I will whole-heartedly agree with what Niagara said: you're way too hard on yourself, but you really are a great person. Don't forget that.
     
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  8. BothWaysSecret

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    I second what @Chierro said. I would also like to add a few things:

    -I would love to read your book if you ever wrote one.

    -I can relate to your points about vanity. I've always been insecure about my looks and how I dress too. You've seen what I look like (Not so great). What you've learned can help me to better accept myself. Thank you for that.

    -and basically what everyone else has said. You're only human. We all make mistakes. You're still a great person, and the fact that you can learn from your mistakes and grow from them (when so many people can't) makes you so much better.
     
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