I now realize that what I'm missing in my life is male emotional intimacy. I have female friends but I long for an emotional connection with a male. The acquaintance that I hold a torch for appears focused on his family. Unrequited love is so painful. I think that I get periodic bouts of love addiction. My father could not connect with me on an emotional level so my adult life is wasted looking for that bond. Before this I just focused on physical intimacy and brief hook-ups. But that brought shame and emptiness. Now physical intimacy does nothing for me and I need a bromance of sorts. I want to have a male companion to disclose to, support emotionally. However it eludes me. I live abroad and feel so lonely. I spend my days making small talk with acquaintances. I cannot understand why I live a good life, am an interesting person but cannot attract a decent person. Today I longed to meet my crush at the gym (married to a woman but appears to like men). He never showed up and it leaves me feeling oddly hurt and rejected. His interest would buoy me up which is fundamentally wrong. I try to be content on my own and have many hobbies. But they're all solo pursuits. The thought of being perennially alone leaves me feeling wretched and worthless.